My journey into Adhd land was only the beginning of what has been a 7 year journey into a dynamic that evolved over 44 years of marriage.
I am posting under this topic because I am FINALLY getting a glimpse of a better future for both my H(adhd/attachment disorder) and I.....together or apart.
I will say the very best advice I chose to follow was MY co dependency. No matter the reasons behind it.....once I accepted it ....whoa! What do they say about bad habits? Hard.....HARD to stop. Disengaging while still in the thick of it? Holy cow! It is a sneaky little sucker and it is not something you fix in yourself overnight. I thought I had a pretty good handle on it.......who was I kidding? Actually having a calm, peaceful mindset while disengaging was not easily achieved. For me....I had to create physical distance. Did H think that was necessary? Of course not......but at the time.....I was done with what H thought.....because he was concerned with himself( this is not a put down just an honest experience). I have made so much more progress at getting a healthier look at what had been transpiring in the marriage and where my contribution did not help.
Adhd was an added hindrance to a far more detrimental "trauma" that my H experienced. I cannot believe, even now, that I did not see I was trying to have a growing mature, sincere, loving relationship with someone who honestly, through no fault of his, DID NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE MEANS. By stepping back and observing and LISTENING I have learned so much more about him in the past several months. While I shared with him some of it......I have now refused to initiate any further discussion. It causes him to experience pain he cannot bear. He has stated this and says "I am not going there. It serves no purpose". I can see that it is awful for him. How very sad......that he refuses to see how it impacts US. However.....he has just as much "right" to his decisions as I do mine. Our "living of life" slid into HIS way of living life.....THAT is not his fault. I am accepting there is no blame on either of ourselves......but their is accountability and it is not a four letter word. My H can only be accountable at an 18 year old level. I have been trying to have a marriage with a HUGE mental age difference. This IS NOT ADHD.
There is so much more to "my" story that I won't bore anyone with. What I am saying.....from my POV....is ADHD in an emotionally mature person is NOT the end of the world. Any spouse with adhd that says " it's not that bad" or " I have a handle on it don't worry" or "i will deal with it my way" or "it's MY problem".......has another issue going on....that is going to interfere with any possible progress for the relationship. Trying to address ADHD when THAT is really not the problem is not going to work. DUH..
I still interact with my H. I keep the conversation on my half.....calm, upbeat, short sentences and no references to any issues. He does better when he sees less of me......though he won't say that.......ummm maybe it is ....I do better the less I see of him? It is not without effort to disengage from a partner in life after 44 years. I remind myself ....I am worth it.......because I would NEVER hear that from him.......and I am nearing that place.....that I don't need to. I am really starting to LIKE this "new" way of being/ finding ME again.
For anyone thinking I don't "value" marriage vows......think again. God has been with me every step of this journey. While we may all share the same problems/issues.....our spiritual journeys are individual.....between God and you. I do not put God in a box where "one size" fits all. What he "shows" me he may not "show" you. To all who feel the crushing weight of an ADHD/ whatever is going on relationship/marriage........we here do understand......because we have EXPERIENCED it ourselves.....and I will judge no one on their pain....or decisions. This is a "safe" place to express and ask questions. Too many names to mention have given me their patience and strength. A grateful thank you.