Hello all,
Lately, my days have been overcome by fear and grief. Shock at the reality of who my partner really is. That I cannot trust anything he says he will do - the integrity and self-efficacy I admire in others, isn't in my partner. It was ME that had to beg him to get the diagnosis, see a specialist, and try stimulant medication. His life without such things, is dysfunctional. As in, cannot work, can hardly feed himself or clean up after himself. I feel really sad just sharing this. Like, why did I think this person was someone I could help - and why did I want to get so involved? When, for years, he has existed this way, and I now feel like I will never be taken care of, feel secure, or even feel safe and connected in any long-term situation. I will be a permanent caregiver.
I've poured countless hours into understanding the ADHD, staying up all night watching all the lectures, reading all the books I could find. And now? I'm just not sure I want to sign up for this. A healthy relationship has enough demands on it, but throw ADHD into the mix and now I'm responsible for taking care of a grown man? Reminding him of when his dental appointments are? Making all the plans, because his fell through? Soothing him after he forgot to finish something and has a meltdown about it? It feels like chaos.
I have no control over this, and neither does he. And all it does is make me feel unsafe, unloved, neglected, fearful, and completely exhausted. Why am I doing this. What does this do for my life, my growth, my independence, my happiness. There are so many support groups now for ADHD, and I start to fear that everyone is constantly struggling, that there is no true recovery. Maybe meds will make him more focused and efficacious, but what if it simultaneously makes him aggressive and mean and distant? What if, because he is now so focused, he pours all of that energy into finishing all the projects he's had for years? Instead of pouring any of that into nurturing the relationship? I'm just, so sad. I don't think it is healthy to be thinking such things, to have these fears and low faith, and still be with him. It's not fair to him, or me.
I think there are people who
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think there are people who can thrive with or recover from ADHD, but my ex-husband is not one of them. However, despite him once telling me, "I can barely take care of myself," he indeed can. What he couldn't do or didn't want to do was help take care of me and our children.
I just left a relationship
Submitted by lgabelis on
I just left a relationship with my best friend of 17+ years (since high school) - in a relationship since 6.5 / live together. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. He's ambitious and can hold down a good job - but I feel like I've had to beg for attention, support & affection for years and I'm just utterly exhausted. What makes it all so frustrating is that I'm very low maintenance / independent so the bar I set was extremely low. But I could be disappointed anymore - I couldn't be heartbroken for the zillionth time while we were still together. Like you, I began to wonder if he would (or could) ever change and meet my needs.
Face it, you are screwed
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
The question is how will you respond. You can continue to pulverize your self in the 'never-ending ADHD support grist mill' (you know in your heart it will never stop) or do something else. I know you don't want your relationship to be like this (but it is). Move yourself forward. Martyrdom does not work out so well for the martyr.
Where is the Thriving?
Submitted by Wilpena on
Your comments touched me to the point of tears. Today we even had our first coaching session and I was filled with anticipatory hope and excitement for the 2 weeks waiting... and tonight I am beaten by the apparent absence of self awareness, reflection, empathy and especially memory, of all the millions of things that have screwed our life for 22 years. All the years pre ADHD diagnosis I lived in a hopeful, optimistic fog, thinking all would be better once the hypoglycemia issues, the depression, the anxiety etc etc, were FIXED. Post ADHD there was the dream that medication, awareness and coaching would FIX it. Tonight I'm just overwhelmed with the sadness that apparently our marriage and our shared happiness isn't enough to motivate him to make any of the effort and adjustments necessary to give us just ten or so years of relief before we all die. Even worse is the way he's pushing the guilt back onto me because now I make him feel bad about what " a prick" (his words) he's been (what I've had to live with - ie all the things the coach openly discussed as the most common impacts on relationships....DUH) Did he seriously have NO IDEA? Can there seriously be no self awareness and acknowledgement without deflecting the guilt onto the people closest; the people who've accommodated and adjusted their lives to make it all possible for the ADHD person?? I'm so tired of having to be responsible for everything in this home, even his regrets.
The lack of understanding
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I was floored by my ex-husband's lack of understanding or care of his impact on those around him, even when it was very clearly laid out for him. With my spouse, I think there was almost a total absence of empathy. He just could not put himself in my shoes and see my experience in the relationship. Maybe that's just what I tell myself, because the alternative is that he knew exactly what he was doing to me and didn't care.
I think this must be very common Melody.
Submitted by c ur self on
You just stated one of the biggest questions for me the past 13 years....Is this lack of awareness and empathy an inability, (blindness) or is it coldness of heart?? It fits right in with other behaviors that flow from a ME lived life....Selfish, Self-absorbed....She can be so combative when it's mentioned by (me) the spouse, it's just not worth all the negativity, and stone walling to attempt to discuss it.....Refuses to listen, interrupts, looks to flip it, etc...
Two things that happened just yesterday....She needed to use my truck a couple of days, her tires had to be replaced, so I gave her a key, and off she goes.. Fine, no problem...But when she parked it yesterday, it was below empty...I had to use the lawnmower gas to make sure I made it to the gas station...Her response, "Oh if I would have noticed it being that low, I would have stopped...Light on, gauge pegged below empty"...Really!!! Little to no remorse....
Then last night her sister (two years older than her) came over to play spades w/ us...(She had been over just a night or two ago to play also). My wife took the score pad and was tending it...At some point there was an error made, and neither I or her sister was saying much...Then after a second little discussion about the score, her sister cut her eyes at me and said calmly, " we may have to take the score pad and check it"....My wife took offense right off, in a sister way of course...Which her sister was expecting, (evidently she was baiting her) because she said, "well that's what you did to Craig the whole time we played the other night....I had the score sheet the last time we played, and she is always badgering, always wanting to control...It's very tiring!....Her sister doesn't have add. People notice....
It's so attached to everything she does....From the TV remote, to travel plans, to spontaneous demands....There just doesn't seem to be any awareness or concern coming from her about what it's like to on the other end of her actions....If it's not intentional, it's very sad...If it is intentional WOW!....Maybe that no ownership thing is because they have no awareness of their actions on others....It makes sense....When people can't comprehend their actions...No awareness, it would make sense that all the pointing out of things they aren't seeing, would cause feelings of low self esteem, I'm no good, even depression, and rebellion, anger......Who know's...God knows....
Hope you are well!
c
Can it be both?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
The stories you shared are both interesting and familiar, C! I have been on the receiving end of an empty gas tank more than once.
I am someone who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have always thought my husband CAN'T see it (the impacts of his actions), have believed that perhaps he is trying his best (as he can unmedicated) and honestly feels a bit bad when he lets others down. HOWEVER, as we were selling our home, he informed me of a leak I didn't know about. We agreed it needed to be fixed in order to ethically sell the home to the new owners. This was his sole job. He didn't do it. I reminded and re-minded over weeks of time. As the day drew closer, he asked if my dad could do it. My dad was already doing a ton for me to help me move and this leak was in a tough spot. My dad also has Parkinson's. I told my husband that my dad could not fix it - that it was too tough and awkward a job for him and that also it wasn't his responsibility honestly. I offered to split the cost of a plumber with him and said I would arrange it. He refused, saying he would fix it. Just two days before the transfer of property, the leak had still not been fixed. I asked him about it and he said, "I hoped if I left it long enough that you would just get your dad to do it."
What an idiot I felt like.
Honestly, that really upset me. He knew what he was doing all along. The delaying was due to ADHD, sure, but he also knew that if strategically he waited, there was a decent likelihood that someone else would swoop in and take care of it. And that makes me pretty mad... because I'm sure it's true for many or even all things that needed doing in our marriage. He knew if he procrastinated long enough that they would get done--from attending to a crying baby to cleaning up the coffee he spilled. I'm sure that was true at his job as well. The leak incident is the first time he's ever let it slip that he was being intentional about shirking things. And that is a lot harder for me to accept than him being oblivious.
Perhaps I'm still being naive, because I still believe that he really can't see how negatively he impacts those around him... but I also don't think he cares either.
Sorry for the ramble!
I am doing well, thanks. I'm happy in my new home with no regrets. :) I hope you are doing well too and taking care of yourself.
My ex-spouse did and does
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-spouse did and does stuff like this, too, Melody.
I think it is both.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We all can have tendencies no matter how our minds work....Certain behaviors/tendencies that relate directly to add is in the make up of the minds of these children and adults....But that's where it ends in my opinion....Once a thought, feeling, or behavior surfaces, it's visible, no matter who we are, or where we are....(unless you are so demented you would have to be locked up for your own safety, and the safety of others)
So what a person does with their active thoughts, feelings and behaviors at that point is a choice....It's easy enough to prove....If many of our spouses responses to their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors was the same on their paying jobs, as it is in their homes...They would be engaging in firing offense's most days.....People know when their wrong, when they have spoken harsh or unkind....You own it and deal with it appropriately, or you just justify it and act like it didn't happen....Because at home they can, it's a choice!
c
The hard realities of life....This thread is so many of us.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Luna 91...Your summary of your life experiences being the spouse to a man who's mind is impacted by what the world calls ADHD, is such a true statement for many of us in your shoes.....I do not have the answers, each of us have different circumstances....But, I have worked very hard the past several years to make my marriage relationship the best it can be, under the circumstances....I've come to realize my happiness, my peace, and my enjoyment of the life I've been blessed with, depends in a very large part on my ability to not be impacted by negativity that spawns from any source...Of course I'm speaking here of my spouses day to day living of life...(her words, feelings, behaviors etc.)....
The hardest part is totally coming to peace with and having full "acceptance of her reality". Until we get to that point, we can never stop reading and writing posts like your's, and the hundreds I've written, that are fact based, and brings us to tears for each other....These fact based post's never change as long as they are based on, what we (the spouses) missed out on in our lives because of the reality points you have listed so well...Those that completely limit all phases of communication and unity etc.....
Total Acceptance of her reality...."SHE'S NOT CHANGING" put me to work eliminating ever aspect of interaction, and sharing attempts (boundaries) that life with her has proven to me isn't possible....I had to (and have to continue daily to do) stop asking myself what should be going on with two people who are married?? And I had start living in a mind, that bases interaction between husband and wife, based on what, if anything, is possible, and peace, calmness and mutual respect still be had...
As long as I attempt to fix (change) what is permanent about her, she stays insulted, miserable, and depressed....That is another very unfair part of marriage to an ADHD minded person that is a daily reality for many of us.....When we say I do, to a person who's life is going to take on a certain pattern, with us, or without us, it's very unfair to beat them up continually with our desire for them to change....The fact is, when a life is destructive for any reason, that Individual has to care what the results of their existence is causing to them, and those around them....Blindness and denial always produces, blame and indifference....The most major point I've come to realize when I consider my wife's living of life is: What is ADHD tendencies, and what is free will personality choices? Heart vs Head...I've come to realize that she uses her add tendencies for excuses in her life pursuits...If a person can change (be aware) for three months, they can do better in certain area's for life....Many people live destructive and intrusive lives in certain area's of life because of their hearts...Self absorbed...But, I'm not her judge, nor am I going to stay upset preaching this reality to her...When a person truly cares, they will quietly communicate about their actions, painful or not....What I have learned is, I can't be afraid to enforce (enact into my living of life) boundaries, and just live my life....Watching me be blessed, content and thrive has impacted her behavior & awareness more than any words has ever or could ever do....
When we reach the place that allows us to cherish our days, and walk away (without a word, so so difficult for me) from behaviors and interaction attempts that are not productive and peaceful. only then does our Joy return, (we return) only then do we see what had to happen to end the conflict....
Be Courageous dear friends
c
You’re not alone…
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
I'm sorry you're in this position. It's truly a miserable place to be. Nobody in my world understands the diagnosis, therefore they can't begin to understand the situation. And all I found on this site was negativity - to the point I stopped reading comments. Things get better and then worse. There's hope and then despair. Read my post if you can... I empathize with you wholeheartedly and send caring thoughts your way.
Hello SOS...
Submitted by Luna_91 on
Hello S, thank you for your compassionate response. I read your post. Are you still in the relationship? It seems to me that you have done everything. Everything possible to adjust your life plans and happiness to accommodate an extremely needy and selfish partner. And I am sad we have to be in such situations.
I've decided that if he doesn't change in the next few months, I'm done. Even small changes with maintaining faith and consistency with treatment, getting a job or training. If none of these are accomplished, it's over and I have no faith he will change unless I leave.
Even then, I worry he may do the worst (commit suicide). But that is not, has not, will not, and cannot ever be my or anyone else's responsibility. We don't exist to simply coach, counsel, and motivate people back to living a successful life. Unless you're getting paid to do that as a clinician. Even then, you have to recognize your limitations with clients who just don't respond or adhere to your treatment recommendations.
Lately I have been telling him that he cannot talk to me in certain ways that disrespect or humiliate me. I find it intolerable, and find it wildly inappropriate for a grown man. But why should I even have to say such a thing. Every boundary I am practicing has felt stupid. Like...why should I have to do this with a partner?
He's a ghost when he's tired. A tyrant when he's stressed. A saboteur when overwhelmed. And a wounded animal when he's depressed. How the hell can this man ever raise a kid. He certainly won't be raising mine.
So yeah, I hate myself for knowing all of these things. And yet I cling to some hope like a pathetic loser. Afraid of loneliness? Yes. Afraid of the absence of the good parts of the relationship? Absolutely. Afraid that nobody else could tolerate some of my own issues? Yes.
I just want to be alone without fear. Without loneliness and anxiety. Without having to search for a partner. But the landscape of dating and even friendship seems very tough these days, but I cannot remain a cynic.
Well...
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Still married, yes. And we've been through a lot since my original post a few years back. I occasionally pop out to this site when I'm feeling defeated - perhaps to be lifted up but sadly, that nevers seems to be the case for me. While I don't disagree with your views on needy and selfish, I've tried looking at them from a different angle. I truly think "unaware" is a better description for my situation. My heart truly breaks for my spouse and while I wholeheartedly agree with others that there is more the ADHD partner can do, there really are limitations. I cannot imagine going through life in their shoes and I have tried to approach our situation with a different mindset. I don't want to parent as much as they don't want to be parented. I try my hardest not to engage when things start to spiral because it gets us nowhere... and I am exhausted losing 24, 48, 72 hours because there was miscommunication. At this point I state exactly how I feel. From "your comment wasn't necessary" or "that was inappropriate" to "there was NO need for that" or "that really hurt me." I often offer the opportunity for a "do-over" that was shared in Melissa's seminar and sometimes those things work and sometimes they don't. We literally take everything one step at a time from a conversation, to a meal, to a plan, etc. Whatever the case may be. I don't like to compare my situation to others because we are all very different. I am at fault for so much of our pain because of how I choose to act, respond, react and I own that. Every time we have a problem I try to learn from it. We go at each other so hard sometimes to find in the end, we weren't even arguing over the same thing. More time wasted. Most recently we listened to a webinar offered by Dr. Hallowell and he referred to ADD as Attention Deficit Distorter. That one line cleared up a whole lot of confusion for me. There is so much distortion between what I say and what is heard or perceived. Exhausting.
I empathize with you on so many levels. I read your posts and comments to others. I am sorry for all you are dealing with that is outside of your control. My heart breaks for you. I also understand the fears of loneliness, of losing the good stuff, of possibly being understood by others down the road. It's scary to stay - it's scary to go. It's lonely in these relationships, how lonely could it be out of them? Something I ask myself all the time, sadly. As difficult as the ADHD marriage can be, it's even more difficult not having anyone to talk to about it. I hope you have some type of support system you can rely on, even if just to clear your mind once in a while to prevent you from exploding. You need to do what is best for yourself - mentally, physically and emotionally.
Take care of yourself.
You’re important too
Submitted by Lolkje on
So sorry to hear you're going through this. The uncertainty about the future can be overwhelming. Try to figure out where you must draw a boundary around yourself for your own sanity.
We are fortunate that my 47 yo husband's ADD is mild. His medication helps quite a bit, and he is honest about his struggles. But I draw a line when he asks me to remind him to brush his teeth. I'm not his mother.
With the pandemic, our 9 yo daughter's ADHD has been exposed, and she has some terrible days. His medication is giving him just enough bandwidth to help our daughter. Our marriage is taking a back seat right now, and I understand the frustration. I try to concentrate on being grateful for the times when he is able to help himself, and that he is the one that understands our daughter.
Good luck and best wishes.