Lately, my days have been overcome by fear and grief. Shock at the reality of who my partner really is. That I cannot trust anything he says he will do - the integrity and self-efficacy I admire in others, isn't in my partner. It was ME that had to beg him to get the diagnosis, see a specialist, and try stimulant medication. His life without such things, is dysfunctional. As in, cannot work, can hardly feed himself or clean up after himself. I feel really sad just sharing this. Like, why did I think this person was someone I could help - and why did I want to get so involved? When, for years, he has existed this way, and I now feel like I will never be taken care of, feel secure, or even feel safe and connected in any long-term situation. I will be a permanent caregiver.
I've poured countless hours into understanding the ADHD, staying up all night watching all the lectures, reading all the books I could find. And now? I'm just not sure I want to sign up for this. A healthy relationship has enough demands on it, but throw ADHD into the mix and now I'm responsible for taking care of a grown man? Reminding him of when his dental appointments are? Making all the plans, because his fell through? Soothing him after he forgot to finish something and has a meltdown about it? It feels like chaos.
I have no control over this, and neither does he. And all it does is make me feel unsafe, unloved, neglected, fearful, and completely exhausted. Why am I doing this. What does this do for my life, my growth, my independence, my happiness. There are so many support groups now for ADHD, and I start to fear that everyone is constantly struggling, that there is no true recovery. Maybe meds will make him more focused and efficacious, but what if it simultaneously makes him aggressive and mean and distant? What if, because he is now so focused, he pours all of that energy into finishing all the projects he's had for years? Instead of pouring any of that into nurturing the relationship? I'm just, so sad. I don't think it is healthy to be thinking such things, to have these fears and low faith, and still be with him. It's not fair to him, or me.