Hello,
I have been searching high and low on the internet for help with this burning question. My boyfriend has ADHD. He wants to get married. I have gone over every possible "should you get married" questionair, searched myself, used my brain, used my heart.. Every time, I come back to the same place... Can I live with his ADHD how it is for the rest of my life? If it were never to change or improve, could I deal with that. Would I want my future kids to deal with that????? I never have an answer... I think because I don't know what exactly it means for my future... I am hoping to find an answer or the beginings of an answer here.
A little background on him and how ADHD has effected our relationship so far:
He was diagnosed as a teenager, he is now 33, and has tried several different medications and counciling with a ADHD specialist. It helps.. To a certain degree... Obviously it never goes away.. He doesn't like taking his medication and has stopped for the last year or so. We experimented with herbal remedys and have found those to more helpful than the prespriction varieties.
We been together for 2 years and lived together for 21 months of the 24 we have been together. It's like he becomes a whole other person when he is effected by it... When he is himself he is caring, calm, insightful, great at communicating in a calm manner... and then it's like a switch (I mean immediatly over a period of 3-4 seconds) and he changes his whole manner... He gets stuck on one thought and then as he continues to talk or think about it gets more and more tangled and not about anything we were originally talking about. He gets really upset, passionate, angry (never hitting or anything) it's like he goes from a 3 to a 8 or 9 in a matter of seconds and it's not even what we were talking about! He has tried to explain how his brain doesn't connect things when he is thinking... Here is one example of a conversation that happened just the other day..
Me: I wonder how you would go about cutting a whole in a wall to make a doggy door...
Him: Oh you measure and go right through, I think it should be simple...
Me: yeah..I don't know how I feel about just making a hole in a wall of my house....
Him: What? you would decide not to do something like that because of this? (typical of him to be VERY general to a point where I have no idea what he is talking about)
Me: Hmm? I just mean I would be wary of doing it.
Him: Wow I can't believe you would want to buy a house without making any improvements to it, that is incredible... How can you think like that? Why would you think like that?
Me: *silence*( Its easy to see we are no longer talking about how to make dog doors and I usually choose silence at this point)
Him: *5 minutes later* sorry...
Another example would be him letting over 25 letters come from the DMV and leaving them unopeneded. Only to find out later they were telling him he had an unpaid ticket and his license was suspended (5 months AFTER it was suspended ) Whereas if he had opened the letters paid the 50 dollars it would have been fine.
He just gets overwhelmed by things because he can't think them through in a rational way....I lovingly call this his "episodes of irrationality" Some of the ways we have tried to cope are as follows:
- We set up a code word. He said in one conversation about his ADHD that he doesn't realize he is slipping into these "epdisodes" until after it's over. I would always aggrivate the situation by trying to tell him he was being irrational and yadda yadda yadda... So we decided the code word of "strawberrys" ( I let him pick a word that made him think happythoughts) would be said when I first noticed signs of him slipping into an episode. It works to a certain point. But once he is past that point it doesnt.
- Opening the mail. We agreed and decided, after the DMV letter issue, that because we live together and depend on him being able to go to work and contribute that I would open all "important" mail. IE. from the DMV, IRS, Work related stuff, etc. and find a good time to show it to him and talk about any action that needed to take place. This has worked GREAT.
- The bill pay account: After a year of living together i grew tired of him overdrawing his bank account, not paying his share of the bills on time. And not for lack of trying. He doesn't go on spending sprees and is actually quite frugal. He just doesn't manage it well. So, I suggested we set him up with a second checking account that we call the "bill pay account" we sat down and budgeted how much of his paycheck each month went to bills and rent. So when he deposited his check he automatically deposts the same amount of money into the bill pay account each month. Then we set all of his bills on auto pay from that account. Now he doesn't have to think about it. Everything gets paid on time and he has not overdrawn his account in the last year since we did this.
- Lists I started making lists of anything I needed or wanted from him. From taking out the dog in the morning, to our weekly agreed upon chore schedule (which is hanging on the fridge for both of us to review) I try to make these notes and lists loving and encouraging Instead of nagging.. I don't know how well I suceed.
- Cutting off the alcohol: He is not what I would call a mean drunk. He is however a very unpleasant, un reasonable one. We both enjoy our wine and cocktails but have agreed that tipsy is as high as it goes. When he goes past that point it just becomes one long episode. To encourage this, I limit myself to the same level as him. That way I can encrouage him to cut himself off but cutting myself off. It works every time.
- Discussing situations before-hand: There will be times when I know there is going to be a situation that does not lend itself well to his ADHD. Driving 6 hours to my parents house for a visit, going to target etc. I try and bring it up before hand and talk about being aware of his feelings and letting me know his limits of control before things boil over so we can make a change to the situation. This works some of the time... not a lot though.
These are just some of the things we do on a daily basis to cope. Do you think these are helpful or will be more damaging in the long run??
Our relationship is actually (inspite of this) one the healthiest I have been in or heard of. I truly love him in all of his spontanious, quirky ways and can honestly say I am truly happy at least some point in every day when I think about my life with him. I am just afraid that if I take this step and marry him that I will find it unmanagable at some point.... I'm scared of the consequences it will have on our future kids... This is the only thing holding me back... I am ready to jump in on every other level......... am I being too picky? too wary? Are there ways to make sure we can manage this in our marriage and family life... Or will it always be a what if, every day...? I am willing to put in almost any amount of effort into this.. I just want to know that effort will pay off. At the end of all this I keep coming back to one thing. He is aware of his ADHD, he is MORE THAN WILLING (and I feel so blessed by this) to recognize and work on it by many different ways. But will that ever be enough? I don't want to be these women who 30 years later say they would never have done it again. Please help...
Thank you!
Leah
I am one of those women
Submitted by Clarity on
At least you are more informed. My personal experience was that after we married, his demeanor changed. It was like he flipped a switch. We had made certain decisions about our future but, it didn't matter. He did what he wanted to. I was more than willing and just made the best of it hoping things would change but, they didn't. After our daughter was born, I had more responsibilities and he became more detached. She had his "personality" and later after she left home was diagnosed as bi-polar. I had anxiety attacks and heart palpitations and the doctor told me I did too much. I kept at it and eventually my blood pressure took off.
Things never got any easier. I am older, my energy levels are not what they once were and his chronic behaviors still have to be addressed constantly. Your example of a "conversation", is very much what still happens here after 28 years. My strategy now is evasive manuevers.
Though I made a great effort, he ruined our finances and I'm hoping we don't lose the house. My goals have not been met, my dreams are gone and I'm exhausted. You've not been together very long, take your time, keep your finances separate, consider dating others...
I've been married to an ADD man for 8 years
Submitted by Aspen on
and I would describe myself as very happy with him and our life, so I'd never be one of those women to tell you to run and never look back.
I think this is a very important statement that you made, I am willing to put in almost any amount of effort into this.. I just want to know that effort will pay off. At the end of all this I keep coming back to one thing. He is aware of his ADHD, he is MORE THAN WILLING (and I feel so blessed by this) to recognize and work on it by many different ways. But will that ever be enough?
I attribute a lot of our success (and we have plenty of frustrations too) to my hubby's willingness to recognize and work on treating his ADD (diagnosed roughtly 2.5 years ago and we're treating with meds, ADD psycologist and coaching). We, also like you, have come up with some personal tweaks that work for the issues that come up over and over. For us it takes a while for him to get used to a new way of doing things--sometimes a couple months, and then it takes a couple more months to gauge how well it is working. Some we stick with and some we scrap and try something new. It can be a frustrating process.
Two things I will mention that seem to make us different from a lot of frustrated mates I've talked to...we are dealing primarily with inattentive ADD and I think those that are dealing with the Hyperactivity factor seem to deal with a lot more impulsiveness, spontanaity, and outbursts than those of us not dealing with the *H factor*. Also, we do not have children. It was a personal choice we made for many reasons--and his ADD and the other mental issues that run in his family were factored in. We do however deal regularly with the nieces and nephews staying at the house regularly for several days and he is wonderful with them. He loves them and they love him and we have a great time playing together and sometimes it is him that comes up with the most fun idea, BUT there are also times when he shuts down and needs to go into his office and close the door because it becomes too much for him to come home from work and deal with 3 little kids running around. It is mostly ok because I love being with them, but sometimes I feel resentment if this wasn't a fun visit that I planned (like for example my brother calls up and we need to take the kids in a rush changing all our plans--this happens more often than you'd think as my SIL is bi-polar) because I am feeling hassled and I am looking for some relief when he comes home.
Most of the time he is great so I can deal with when he isn't up for it. Frequently he can also give me a timeline for how much downtime he needs before he can help. But if these were our kids and this came up all the time, the resentment issue would probably come up more in the kids scenario.
I think if you both have an attitude of willingness to work on the issue you won't have much more than the normal marital ups and downs. My husband is awesome in a crisis which helps a lot. My grandmother slowly died over the span of about 8 months and between hospital, caring for her at home, and nursing home at the end I was a wreck at the end of the day. And this was all pre-disgnosis!! My husband was the one that kept the house running more or less...yes when the fog lifted I had some catching up to do but he kept all the balls in the air and I kept the bills paid. We also had a disaster where several friends died in a plane crash and my grief felt overwhelming for a while--I don't think I cooked dinner for a month! I did my work and held everything else together as best I could but he picked up the slack.
If your BF can be a help in those situations, and you can continue to deal with his ADD in a healthy manner, I think you will be able to say that the pluses far outweigh the minuses.
good coping strategies
Submitted by arwen on
Leah, you had a shorter similar post called "making a decision" which I responded to with "eyes wide open" -- so I won't go into those points here. This post has a question in it, though, that your other post didn't, that I'd like to address. You say, "These are just some of the things we do on a daily basis to cope. Do you think these are helpful or will be more damaging in the long run??"
In my experience, these things are helpful, not damaging. They are very similar to the things my spouse and I have done, and they definitely helped us (except the code word thing -- that never worked a lick for us), so I would say you are on the right track in finding ways to cope.
But I am not so sure that you really understand quite what is going on from a brain function standpoint. You talk about how "He just gets overwhelmed by things because he can't think them through in a rational way...". In my experience, ADDers are actually quite rational -- the problem isn't whether they are rational or not (I also used to think they were not!) -- what I've learned instead is that the problem is the set of data or information that they are basing their thinking on. Typically, the ADDers I know will reach a conclusion that seems crazy to me because I am looking at a much bigger picture of the situation than they are. Because people with ADD often have trouble retrieving memories, they often end up only considering a small subset of the total relevant data -- and based on just that small subset, they reach a conclusion that is perfectly rational within this small scope, but may be totally wrong in the bigger picture.
This is just one example of how the ADD brain function differs from the norm -- memory storage/organization/retrieval, reward response, impulsivity and communications abilities are all impacted by the differences in neurotransmitter function. The more you can learn about these brain differences, and then apply that knowledge to your partner's individual behaviors, the better you will be able to figure out other useful coping strategies. There are other good suggestions throughout this site -- I urge you to read as many of the posts as you can to augment your "toolbox".
Good luck!
Thanks
Submitted by Leah on
First I want to thank those who responded to both of my posts..... It's given me a lot to think about. I guess I am still at a stand still. I know everyones different and each case is unique to a certain degree. It's hard to feel happy in the here and now and consider choosing to not move forward with it because of a posible future crash. But I don't want to set myself up to be miserable. I've been reading a lot on this site and the majority of the advice can be applied to our relationship. I talked to him (my bf) about it briefly.. He suggested we find a psychologist who specializes in ADD and go on a regular basis untiL i feel I can make a good decision for me as far as marriage goes. He really wants kids... He is good at helping around the house and taking care of the dog and cat. Should that comfort me? haha.
Anyway, I am just at loss with this whole thing. What steps would be good to take to ensure I am completely informed?
Thanks again.
Leah
Informed...
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Leah, I would suggest doing all the research you can. You are going to be his coach, for the rest of his life, and if you two have a good friendship underlying the romance, this is a good thing. It means that you will be able to find joy in each other's company; you will work together on all issues; regardless of ADHD/ADD behaviors and ramifications, you will have a happy life. AD brings some wonderful traits with it that are seldom addressed, like creativity, spontaneity (yes, this can be a good thing!), intelligence, and empathy. Yes, empathy. They may not remember 5 minutes later, but AD folks know what it's like to have life kick you around.
My husband and I have been married 6 years, and he has ADHD (recently rediagnosed). My son has ADHD. So we've implemented a number of things to help our lives flow smoothly. My husband tells me how he feels, signals me if he's losing focus on a conversation, and he knows when I remind him of something that I'm not nagging. We work really hard together to keep our relationship strong. We have a schedule posted for morning (getting us all out of the house on time), after work (dinner, homework, etc), bedtime (kids' bedtime routine), and weekends. We have a cleaning schedule posted (what to take care of on what day) and spend 20 minutes a night working together on the list, whatever can get done in that 20 minutes. We tag-team parenting, which sometimes means I have to remind hubby that now is not play time :-). We make time to be together, to take dates, to talk about household and personal things. We make a point to talk respectfully to each other. And my husband understands what his issues are, and is working with me on them.
Bottom line is, my best advice to you is that if you are a strong woman, and love this man, go for it. Be his advocate, his best friend, his playmate, his confidante. You will have a partner who can laugh at life, find fun, and be loving. Yes, it's challenging, but it's immensely rewarding, too. Good luck with your decision.
Getting off the Merry go round
Submitted by Leah on
:-) just had to share a conversation that happened tonight. I couldn't help but be ammused at how ADD it was.
background: We are moving in May and are looking for the right place.
Me: hmm I wonder if the 680 or 880 freeway commute would be easier for you.
Him: Are you kidding? 680!
me: Oh ok.. Last week you said 880
Him: no way, 680.
Me: oh ok, it's your commute so whatever works for you.
Him: no, 680 all the way.
Me: like I said, oh ok, it's your commute so whatever works for you.
Him: NO! 680 (hand movments start here to make sure his point is being driven home)
me: haha... oh ok, it's your commute so whatever works for you.
Him: NO! How can you think 880 is ok? I'm telling you it's 680!
Me: Yeah and all I have been saying is ok it's your commute..I am agreeing with you...
Him: I am trying to make a point. It HAS to be 680 and you are making weak arguments about trying to tell me it should be 880;
Me: Actually I am agreeing with you and saying it's your commute so you're gonna do whatever you're gonna do.
Him: No... it has to be 680.
Me: ok you are going around in circles now.. you're stuck on a track and I'm getting off the merry go round...I'm not going to continue around in circles with you.
Him: *silence* walks away
as frustrating as this sounds, in the moment I was actually amused... call me crazy. But i was amused by the fact that it was so easy to pin point what happened that it didn't really bother me as much that he wasn't getting what was actually going on. I got the information I needed.. ( he wants to live by 680) and that's all. But it was such an ADD conversation that I couldn't help but be amused... :-)
Good for you!
Submitted by Aspen on
That is excellent that you could see the problem and be amused by something that alternatively could be so crazy making. The merry go round is one of the things I find the most frustrating because instead of laughing it off or shrugging it off, I tend to take the tack "Exactly what about what I'm saying makes you think I am saying 880? I am NOT saying 880. I am agreeing with you. STOP arguing when I am agreeing." I think laughing it off is great, but I still sit here wondering what on earth about what you were saying made him think you were choosing 880--did he misunderstand "oh ok"?? I mean I genuinely want to know!! :)
Next week he will be totally
Submitted by brooks30 on
Next week he will be totally convinced that he was arguing that 880 was better ;)
Should I get engaged - reply
Submitted by maryb on
I noticed that you said you were "amused" by some of these circular conversations, etc. Believe me, after 5, 10 or 15 years...."amused" will NOT be the word! ADHD men can be funny, boyish, irreverant and downright FUN....and that masks the problem. Dating...fine....Marrying...run the other way!
That you can be amused by
Submitted by Astrea on
That you can be amused by this tells me a lot of good things about your relationship and your ability to live with his ADD - if that was me & my fiancee it would've dissolved into yet another "Why aren't you listening to me?" argument. (I do my best to try and keep calm, but my fiancee was just only recently diagnosed and sometimes it's almost a habitual reaction that I can't stop).
I will say though, that despite seven years of 'Why isn't he listening?' 'Why doesn't he pay attention?' 'He doesn't want a partner, he just wants someone to look after him' once the diagnosis was confirmed, not marrying him never crossed my mind (even though it had many times before that!) It was almost as though we'd pressed a 'reset button.' We both have things we have to work on and there's a lot of wounds that have to heal, but he's still the same man I originally fell in love with.
Best of luck for the future, whether you decide to go ahead with the relationship or not.
For Leah
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thanks for posting your story at this site! You ask for input on a very personal question - should I marry this man? Ultimately you are the only person who can look deep into your heart and answer that question. To contribute to your thinking, I would like to add these thoughts and observations:
Best of luck to you! It sounds as if you really have something wonderful.