I have been reacting, responding, being of service, bewildered, discouraged, damaged. My heart and mind have been little more than a whirlwind around my H's presence, his words, his action/non-action, .... who he is/and isn't in my mind trying to make sense of our/my life. To the point where there seems to be no him and no me anymore....other than accusations and a senseless game of "Who can out-ignore, with hard shells, out-distance, have higher boundaries?" And there certainly is no marriage partnership. Two ships that pass in the night. I have, this past year, given him all the independence from me he seemed to be fighting for. And I just permitted myself to see what he was willing to GIVE if I stopped asking, expecting praying for. He has given nothing to a positive growth of our relationship. In fact, he SEEMS (I have to guess because he does not talkabout anything other than ranting about the governement) to resent me for stopping all my over-compensating that I used to do.
When he would say something really stupid in front of others, I used to giggle or make light of what he said or act out a "Oh, Gosh!" and play a game of "Oh, you are offensive, you little cute devil!" I have stopped that. Now I let his insensitive sarcasm ring in the empty air around him. I had been conditioning him to be able to say and do whatever he feels like without filter and I would try to make it OK in all our eyes.
But I lost my own self. I lost my strength playing all those games for him. I am trying like crazy to remember how I spoke, how I held my body, how I thought before I was H's shrewish enabler. Who do I want to be now? I accustomed myself to being someone in the background without a will or presence of my own to bring to the table....just an over-compensating helpmate to H and an over-parenter to my children. I hope it is not too late to give myself the gift of BEING my self. I feel like a wounded soldier and there are no agencies or groups of support for spouses of "missing in action" ADDers. Life could be a lot worse. I can see that it is within my abilities to pull myself out of my own Land of the Lost. It is something that I am working on. It is not selfish to be a whole person with conviction and voice. It is necessary if I am going to be a person who has anything of substance to give to my loved ones.