Who in the world am I anymore?

I have asked myself this but I dont think I was as serious as I am now. Im so sad. Im angry. Im frustrated. I can NEVER get my time that I have invested back. I can never get the trust or respect back from my kids that I have lost over the last 10 years and I still cant get out. How do you begin? My spouse has not been DX but through my own *stories* of events and his reactions (or lack there of) my therapist of 5 years has said shes willing to put $$$ that he has adhd and he is narcissist. Our marriage already lacking trust and security just got hit with another bomb that I dont think he'd be able to understand my point of view because he totally lacks common sense. For 2 weeks now I have been trying to work past my feelings and its just getting worse. Its the type of situation where my gut intuition told me not to go with something and he told me I was being paranoid and uptight so I gave in....now 9 years later I found out I should have went with what I felt and Im so mad at him for it. Now whats following is every friggen thing that he ever made me feel that way about, Its all wrong in my opinion because he knew nothing of what he was talking about and I trusted him. Even though I had doubt in the back of my head he always seem to be able to "recover" from a fail (which was very frequent), but not this time. He still didnt take any ownership in the situation. It involves his dad and he would never disrespect him. I wouldnt expect him to. He just was able to excuse himself by saying that I was upset with him (the dad) because of something I had heard that happened 9 years ago. Then my husband proceeded to tell me, Im not taking sides, Im not saying I believe you or him. I just need counseling. (which he still hasnt made an appt for) I even brought him a card from our marriage counselor from some years ago. Tired of being his backbone (as he says) when I dont even have one for myself :( Recently I have been dx with major depression. placed on 2 antidepressants that allow me to speak my mind. I seriously dont see it as a bad thing but hes having a hard time dealing with it. Im pretty sure my marriage is over, he probably knows it is too. Its just when am I gonna say it cause God knows he would NOT. I do everything for him. he is extremely comfortable. One thing I do not get though is he does work. He maintained within the same company with my s dad for these past 12 years. Moving his way up to a 6 figure salary all of a sudden along with the economy his income took a hit. Recently he shared with me how much he hates his job, has hated it and the only reason why he stayed is because all the other SIL couldnt hang and he didnt want to be a <insert bad wrord> so it began to make sense to me. The economy didnt take his income, he walked away because my dad retired. He convinced me that it was in fact a good thing because then he could be home to help me with the kids but in fact it makes it harder on me cause he doesnt do anything but sit on his ass on his computer.....I have fought for 3 modifications for this house during this "economic crisis". end result is bankruptcy and we are walking away anyway. does he care? nope. is he concerned? nope. will he help pack? nope. will he help look for another place to live? nope. is he stressed out? nope. but when his computer crashed the other day BOY was he on it! one night he skipped dinner all together came home from work and went straight for his computer. done venting...i just need to know how to start the conversation when he thinks everything is just hunky dory that everything is NOT hunky dori....certainly my actions should tell him that things are not ok but im telling you he HAS no common sense.

I am a little confused...you

I am a little confused...you say he works...but he just walked away from a 6 figure job? and is not working? At home all of the time? 

You cannot go back and change the past. You cannot regret what you perceive you've lost. You also, sadly, cannot blame anyone for your choices and decisions but yourself. If you went against what you knew was the right thing, then that responsibility is on you. Until you direct your anger at the right person, you'll never be able to work through it and get past it. However, I do believe we can rectify things NOW so that the entire past is not in vain. I am very familiar with the act of making decisions/doing things based on what one person told me and then later finding out that I made the wrong decision and defended the wrong person or was completely lied to...leaving hard feelings all around me...all for nothing. However, I knew at the time I was doing it that it didn't feel right, but I did it anyway and blame myself 100%. It was the "right" thing to do, but only the eyes of others...and I let their 'right' become my own. I tell you this in the hopes that you are able to not have regrets about the past, make amends where possible, and start living for TODAY and not holding onto the past. I am not clear on the father in law issue either, but if made a decision based on false information he gave you, then go back and tell those involved what happened if it will give you some peace about it and help mend fences.

I am sorry for all you have been going through and are going through...I cannot imagine losing my home because of my husband just walking away from a job that provided for his family. That is almost unforgivable in my book. 

There are many times in the past 15 years that I have, too, felt like my husband lacked common sense. So many examples I could give that would leave most people scratching their heads and wondering WTH he's thinking. However, I do not think it is a lack of common sense, but a HUGE difference in perceptions. Life, and every situation we are in day-in and day-out, is all about perception. When it is threatening to the family, marriage, and health of others then it becomes an issue for us to deal with. Otherwise, I have learned to agree to disagree. There is NEVER going to be a meeting of the mind on some of the 'perceptual differences' issues...no matter how hard we try, how rational it sounds to us, or how wrong/bad/harmful we know it is to our spouses/marriages. The best we can hope for is a mutual respect and enough compromise to make both parties happy. I've had to set some tough boundaries because of these differences...that might ultimately cost me my marriage...but I did it his way for a very long time and all it got me was misery and a train wreck of a marriage. For a very long time I just felt he was just completely oblivious and clueless to what was obvious to me...now I just see that he will always live, to some degree, in his own world and have his own coping (however poor they may be) mechanisms that make it impossible for him to see things any differently. It makes life more difficult, but not impossible. 

You are not alone...I wish you luck with everything you've got on your plate. Please keep us posted.

 

yeah I can take ownership for

yeah I can take ownership for not standing my ground and I will. I cant allow my guard down anymore. Sorry for the confusion re him working. he has the opportunity to make more $$$ within the company but chooses not to. My dad got him the job he started with 12 years ago. He moved his way up within the company moreso because he was family. Middle positions required alot of labor but in the end he was a supervisor and my dad was 1 step above him. Once my dad retired, seems like 2 months later my husband was "demoted" lost more than 1/2 of his income and he is fine with it. So there are positions avail where he could work but he'd rather not. One of my gripes at the moment is I try to think of ways to save $$$ and he takes his co workers out to lunch. His excuse is always so n so took me to lunch so I had to pay them back....well according to the ATM records your eating out every single day so WHEN did they take you to lunch? mind you me and the kids eat cereal and top ramen :D I never have cash and dont have a checking account. I do have the bank atm that is not in my name so in order to use it I have to ask him for his check card account number and transfer money online wait 24 hours and answer his 20 questions....ok and now im typing all this out, i need to get my own bank account, lol. anyhow the father in law crap....My older son, no kin to my FIL or my husband began experimenting with drugs when he was 13- 14. well caught I should say. FIL is a proud "X drugie" still uses if you ask me. takes advantage of everything he can. searches for a free ride in everything, is a master manipulator of all trades, done everything under the sun, collects disability for a bad back but can climb a tree to prune it and detail a car for the right price and he charges full license certified fees ;o) ~get my drift? I knew from the beginning that he wasnt right. I knew he was still getting high. Sad but it seems that EVERYONE knew except my husband. long story short my husband and my fil convinced me to allow my older son to spend time with my fil to "scare him straight" and looking back my older son did seem to straighten up however it was just brought to my attention from my 2nd son that my fil was giving my oldest cigarettes when he was 12 and my fil told my 2nd son to never tell me. cigarettes are not pot i realize that. but I wouldn't put it past my fil to get high with my son, not saying he introduced it to him, just that im certain they did it together. I just feel like I threw my son to the friggen lion. At 17 my son was doing meth (devastating) So from 14-17 he was doing pot progressed to meth Im confiding in my husband and confiding in my FIL whom I didnt really think would do anything to jeopardize his step grandsons health, I mean who does that?!?! He asks me if I knew where he was getting it from and all I could do was speculate but I had a pretty good idea, anyhow seems every time my fil visited he was asking about my sons "friend" say "i need to go for a walk" coincidentally in the direction of the kids house, really?