Why am I still here?

I’m new here and this is my first post. As I work my way through what you’ve all written, I see my life in so many of your posts. I’m on the verge of tears constantly. I’m so over it. I’m hurt, I’m angry, and I’m scared. I don’t know if this can be fixed anymore. I’ve been married to my ADHD spouse for 19 years. About 10 years ago we went to counseling separately and then had one joint session together. Two therapists agreed I’d gone as far in my individual counseling as I could without my husband getting further individual counseling and possibly medication. He refused and that was the end of it. Since then, I’ve asked him to leave twice. He refused and insisted he wanted to stay to work on things. He didn’t make any effort. In fact, it all seemed to get worse and I feel as though it gets worse with time.

More recently, he finally agreed to try medication. I was thrilled… until he told me why. It was not for us and not for our family (we have 2 teenage girls). It was strictly so he could focus more on work and get more done (he works from home). He now sits at home in his office every day with a noise canceling headset on and ‘works’ (although we see him wandering the internet, watching videos etc, so ‘work’ is debatable). He does this from 6am to 10pm, except for his daily naps which he insists are necessary for him and that help him cope.

He is like a stranger in our home. He has very little interaction with any of us, spends little time with our girls, and seems to exist in his own world. The meds seem to have made it all worse from our perspective. He takes them only Monday to Fridays (again, they’re for work and he insists he doesn’t need them on weekends), so maybe they aren’t working because of that??

The house is a mess. He does nothing. He comes and goes as he pleases. We can talk to him but it’s as though he can’t hear us, or he will literally tune us out mid-conversation and drift off. It hurts EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

After 19 years of this, I’ve told him I’m so angry I don’t know if it can be fixed anymore. He will seek treatment only for work reasons. That speaks volumes to me about how he feels about us and our family, but he insists he still loves me and would hate to see our marriage end. Every time I talk to him about it he acts surprised, like he’s never heard it before, or like he’s doing everything he can to fix it (which seems to mean working harder to earn more money?).

I myself have tried working full-time, part-time, and not at all in an effort to do everything around the house, take care of our girls, and keep things together. When the girls were younger, I’d come home from work and find them trying to cook food in front of our fireplace while my husband sat oblivious in his office on his computer. He never understood why I would get angry. I’ve done therapy (three times) and every therapist has agreed I’m overwhelmed and have too much on my plate. They all tell me the same thing – he needs help. He refuses.

I’m now working part-time (looking for full-time) and have opened a private bank account in an effort to put away my own money as fast as I can. I am ready to leave. I love my husband, but it seems to me we’d both be happier apart at this point. I can’t handle the anger and frustration anymore. I’m 53 and never expected to be starting over, but it seems like nothing will change if I stay. I ask myself and my husband, why am I still here??