WHY can't you throw the wrapper in the garbage!!!!!

Why, why, why! HOW DARE YOU UNWRAP SOMETHING AND JUST LEAVE IT ON THE COUNTER!!!WHY - BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THE OTHER PERSON ON THE HOUSE WHO CAN'T STAND IT WILL CLEAN UP AFTER YOU INSTEAD OF GO AFTER YOU AND "NAG" AND "REMIND" BECAUSE IT IS POINTLESS????

I am new to posting but not to reading - in fact - 18 years of reading about ADHD. Not only am I the mother of a 19 y/o with ADHD, who I raised alone and has been off of medication since age 17, by choice (she wanted to join the military), but I have been dating and in love with someone with ADHD for the past year. I have known him for years but I realized shortly after I started seeing him that he has the same thing as my daughter. I can tell you for certain that I have clear boundaries with him, and I will not be entertaining the thought of living together or marriage at all.

I was married for a few years in my 30's and will never go down that road again. I am far too independent, very set in my ways, and find that in marriage you end up having to compromise way too much and that just doesn't work with my personality. I do not like being told what to do at all, nor do I need to be told what to do. I have been utterly self-sufficient in all aspects since I was 17 years old and I do not let people take care of me, my house, my bills, my appointments, and furthermore, I would not WANT anyone else to do it. I had my daughter at 19, worked FT, went to college to get a BSN, became an RN, went to grad school and by age 30 was still unmarried by choice, owned a home with significant equity, and my car was paid for. Watching my dependent housewife mother who was stuck in an abusive marriage due to a lack of skills and education propelled me to be studious instead of a party-girl in school. I never wanted to be in a position where I was dependent on a man for a red cent, and I when my husband started to act up, I showed him the door in one year as I warned him I would. My life is too short and cannot be re-lived and I have no regrets. I filed for divorce, there was nothing to split because he had nothing and we shared nothing except our dogs, which  kept, and I moved on with my life.

I want to know why, and I want to know, seriously from the people with ADHD, do you NOT AT ALL see your actions as inconsiderate? I have told my daughter since she was little, 4-5 years old, my principle of OHIO - Only Handle It Once. She grew up seeing me open my mail over the garbage can and immediately file my bills. I spent years reminding, nagging, when she would walk in the door and set her stuff of the hallway floor, then move it to the table, then to the bedroom after the third time. Why not just carry the damn bag right into your room while it's already in your hand? How dare you let your laundry pile up and then bring three huge bags to the basement and say "Are you going to be doing laundry - because I have to work and my shirt is in there." I tell her to do it herself and she has an excuse for something else she has to do. I can see that my boyfriend, who shares a house with his mother, is the same way with her, which is why I will NOT be taking over for her and we will not be living together.

Do you people with ADHD have any idea how the other person feels when they spend all of their time outside of work "fixing" and "doing" and doing housework or fixing problems they didn't create? Don't tell me to just leave the dishes that come from you - because they won't get done. The sink will fill up and smell and you will NEVER load the dishwasher and if you do, we have to stand over you and make sure you do it right. I have had a dishwasher since my daughter was 5 and I have shown her 50 million times how to do it - it doesn't matter.

Did it ever occur to you that we want a grown adult housemate, not a perpetual child who you have to stand over, guide, direct, dictate, or just do it all yourself?

The worse part is that you feel guilty for nagging, but PISSED OFF that you have to do it all!!!

I am a very neat and organized person, and I can recall back to age four being this way. I didn't get through four years of college and grad school as a single parent with a kid with ADHD because I lived flying by the seat of my pants.

It makes me sad to see that my boyfriend is almost 40 and still lives the same way he did as a teenager, has changed jobs many times, has tons of bad debt, and just hands the bill money to his mother and she takes care of paying the utilities. I fear that in 20 years, that will still be me with my daughter. They are both very creative and a lot of fun to be with, very social and have a lot of friends, but they are just alike and I don't want to be anyone's MOMMY anymore. My daughter works and has a car but she lives frivolously and vicariously and while I know it is different for teenagers now, that there is an extended period of adolesence going well into their twenties due to the economy and parental-coddling, but I fear that she will NEVER be able to be self-sufficient.

Problem is, when she took medication, she was like a NORMAL RESPONSIBLE person. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, worked as well as the meds. I no longer bring it up because she refuses to take it and she has a million reasons why I was glad she graduated from high school and I bought her the car as a reward as promised. Yes, she has run out of gas. I even got her a small gas can, which I found on the garage floor instead of in the trunk. Yes, she has been stranded and called me with her crisis and instead of calling the roadside service I pay for, I am supposed to stop what I am doing and go rescue. I seriously think that my boyfriend sees that I am a rescuer/caretaker and that is why he is attracted to me!!!

I'm so sick of spending my days off from work "working" on fixing, cleaning, doing in this house - problems I didn't create. Everyone needs to take care of themselves.

Sign Me,

Fed-Up

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are just like me! :)

Except a little younger. I too have an ADHD daughter and was a single mom for years. (I have 2 daughters, my other daughter is a happily married and successful lawyer.) It seemed like I chased my daughter around emotionally for years, saying "haven't I done enough for you to love me?" while I tried to get counseling for her, worked two jobs to support her, supported her friends, etc., while she stole money from me, stole my car, stayed out all night with my car and made me lose my job, got pregnant at 15, etc. At 30 she has lost custody of her son, has a GED (because she never would go to high school) and works in a pizza place.

So I fell in love with a man with ADD, who, like your boyfriend, lived with his mother. Unfortunately, I married him! He has not a clue what it takes to make a household work, does nothing, breaks promises, etc. He loves me, I suppose I love him, but our life together is miserable. I don't suppose it will ever change. He's been taking meds for years and at least he works, but he does not make me, my needs, or our household a priority. Maybe I want him to love me because I couldn't make my daughter love me.

And he doesn't throw the wrappers away either!

I have read many, many, many of your posts!

I have often said to myself "I would have been divorced by now" after reading yours.

I have to say, to her credit, my daughter was and is a good kid and has never ever said "I hate you" to me, called me names, slammed her door in my face, etc. She has never stolen from me and I have never had to go to the police station for her. She hasn't gotten pregnant and after working at a daycare center for 18 mos. and watching her friends with kids scramble to juggle work/childcare and a apartment with no help from the fathers, and the women in this family do the same, me included, she is responsible about birth control and STD prevention and states flat-out that she is never getting married or having kids. Part of me truly sees this happening. She is like me and needs time to do her own thing and is easily annoyed. She also says she is NEVER moving out! Now, honestly, I would have no problem if she lived with me forever, but I want her to be an equal roommate partner, not this "I do 90% and you do 10% and I give you tons of praise and be grateful you cleaned your room or didn't run out of gas." crap.

I have NEVER run out of gas. I have NEVER been stranded. I have NEVER driven away with my belongings on top of the car. I have NEVER flushed an already plugged toilet and let it flow over onto the floor with runaway turds and used 11 bath towels to clean it up. Both daughter and boyfriend have. All of my OCD/organizational traits do NOT get picked up by either!

I have to say, I am the 3-11 charge nurse in a 120-bed subacute rehab. There is a REASON why I do that job. Because I am organized, I plan, I predict, I write, I keep things neat, I do the admissions correct and don't miss a beat and get us through the shift. I always worked days raising her so I wouldn't miss out, but when she finished school I went to 3-11 and started taking care of ME in the daytime. I workout. I pay my bills. I spend time on my hobby. I take care of my dogs. But I spend TOO MUCH time picking up in this house things that she does, leaves, or does not see.

I literally micro-managed this kid for the last 19 years. When she went to school, I felt like I was going right along with her. I have to make sure she writes down her work schedule so she doesn't get in trouble. Forget about consistency with her paying room/board. I don't even bother asking her for her cell phone/car insurance/bill money anymore. Instead, I ask her to bring home dinner, or get me a DVD set I wanted, or pay for my eyebrows at the salon. A huge part of me feels that since I haven't had to deal with pregnancy-problems, police-problems, trashing-my-house-with-parties-while-I'm-gone problems, I should be easy on her in that area. To me, I see a perpetual teenager. She watches cartoons.

My boyfriend and daughter both work in restaurants. He finished college and is a Sous Chef. My daughter works in a pizza place because she has gone to register for college three times but never gets started. Ok, fine, I was 22 when I went, and I was ready to sit down and get A's. She can go whenever. But when she's not at work, and he's not at work, it's all about fun and going out while I and his mother clean our respective houses of the messes they leave.

His mother told me that he throws his wash in the machine and leaves. So in order for her to do hers, she has to take his out (or rewash it) and dry it and take it out of the dryer. HE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH A 69 Y/O WOMAN HAVING TO DO THIS FOR HER HOUSEMATE/SON! I am afraid this will be my future with my daughter, which is why it will not be my future with him. When she dies, he can live in that house on his own and expand his mess.

I have had to lower my standards raising her. I have had to learn to live with dishes in the sink. I am just sick and tired of cleaning up, fixing , doing. Other people say "Leave it, she'll get sick of it." NO SHE WON'T! I have photos to prove it! I refuse to live like this and she KNOWS I will clean up.

I knew when I saw the inside of his truck, and his place, that he was just like her. He is great fun to go out with. He is great in bed he is funny and charming and thoughtful. I just know what would happen if I took things further, so I don't. I see him two days a week and that's it because that's about all I can handle in my life. People with normal kids will never understand. My mother and sister hounded me when my daughter was ten and I had her on Ritalin. "She doesn't need that when she's with Grandma." "She's just a spirited child." You know what I did? I sent them camping with her for ten days with no medicine. Counties away. Changed that tune forever. But they never apologized.

I read so much here and I have no doubt that I made the right decision to establish the boundary up front that we will only see each other a few times a week, we will not ever live together and we will not get married. OCD personality doesn't work well with ADHD.

Don't you feel like you want to walk away?

 

Walk away? Heck yes!

Or run, if I was capable of running.

When we were in the thick of it, and he was refusing to work or do housework, I saw a counselor (he was seeing a different one at the same place) who suggested that he should move back in with his mother and I should live alone and we should "date" because the time I was dating him was the happiest of my life. From what I understand, counselors aren't supposed to tell you to leave your spouse, and I never took that advice. I congratulate you for having the good sense to see that a marriage with your ADD man would not work for you. I think it's too late for me.