WHY can't you throw the wrapper in the garbage!!!!!


I am new to posting but not to reading - in fact - 18 years of reading about ADHD. Not only am I the mother of a 19 y/o with ADHD, who I raised alone and has been off of medication since age 17, by choice (she wanted to join the military), but I have been dating and in love with someone with ADHD for the past year. I have known him for years but I realized shortly after I started seeing him that he has the same thing as my daughter. I can tell you for certain that I have clear boundaries with him, and I will not be entertaining the thought of living together or marriage at all.

I was married for a few years in my 30's and will never go down that road again. I am far too independent, very set in my ways, and find that in marriage you end up having to compromise way too much and that just doesn't work with my personality. I do not like being told what to do at all, nor do I need to be told what to do. I have been utterly self-sufficient in all aspects since I was 17 years old and I do not let people take care of me, my house, my bills, my appointments, and furthermore, I would not WANT anyone else to do it. I had my daughter at 19, worked FT, went to college to get a BSN, became an RN, went to grad school and by age 30 was still unmarried by choice, owned a home with significant equity, and my car was paid for. Watching my dependent housewife mother who was stuck in an abusive marriage due to a lack of skills and education propelled me to be studious instead of a party-girl in school. I never wanted to be in a position where I was dependent on a man for a red cent, and I when my husband started to act up, I showed him the door in one year as I warned him I would. My life is too short and cannot be re-lived and I have no regrets. I filed for divorce, there was nothing to split because he had nothing and we shared nothing except our dogs, which  kept, and I moved on with my life.

I want to know why, and I want to know, seriously from the people with ADHD, do you NOT AT ALL see your actions as inconsiderate? I have told my daughter since she was little, 4-5 years old, my principle of OHIO - Only Handle It Once. She grew up seeing me open my mail over the garbage can and immediately file my bills. I spent years reminding, nagging, when she would walk in the door and set her stuff of the hallway floor, then move it to the table, then to the bedroom after the third time. Why not just carry the damn bag right into your room while it's already in your hand? How dare you let your laundry pile up and then bring three huge bags to the basement and say "Are you going to be doing laundry - because I have to work and my shirt is in there." I tell her to do it herself and she has an excuse for something else she has to do. I can see that my boyfriend, who shares a house with his mother, is the same way with her, which is why I will NOT be taking over for her and we will not be living together.

Do you people with ADHD have any idea how the other person feels when they spend all of their time outside of work "fixing" and "doing" and doing housework or fixing problems they didn't create? Don't tell me to just leave the dishes that come from you - because they won't get done. The sink will fill up and smell and you will NEVER load the dishwasher and if you do, we have to stand over you and make sure you do it right. I have had a dishwasher since my daughter was 5 and I have shown her 50 million times how to do it - it doesn't matter.

Did it ever occur to you that we want a grown adult housemate, not a perpetual child who you have to stand over, guide, direct, dictate, or just do it all yourself?

The worse part is that you feel guilty for nagging, but PISSED OFF that you have to do it all!!!

I am a very neat and organized person, and I can recall back to age four being this way. I didn't get through four years of college and grad school as a single parent with a kid with ADHD because I lived flying by the seat of my pants.

It makes me sad to see that my boyfriend is almost 40 and still lives the same way he did as a teenager, has changed jobs many times, has tons of bad debt, and just hands the bill money to his mother and she takes care of paying the utilities. I fear that in 20 years, that will still be me with my daughter. They are both very creative and a lot of fun to be with, very social and have a lot of friends, but they are just alike and I don't want to be anyone's MOMMY anymore. My daughter works and has a car but she lives frivolously and vicariously and while I know it is different for teenagers now, that there is an extended period of adolesence going well into their twenties due to the economy and parental-coddling, but I fear that she will NEVER be able to be self-sufficient.

Problem is, when she took medication, she was like a NORMAL RESPONSIBLE person. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, worked as well as the meds. I no longer bring it up because she refuses to take it and she has a million reasons why I was glad she graduated from high school and I bought her the car as a reward as promised. Yes, she has run out of gas. I even got her a small gas can, which I found on the garage floor instead of in the trunk. Yes, she has been stranded and called me with her crisis and instead of calling the roadside service I pay for, I am supposed to stop what I am doing and go rescue. I seriously think that my boyfriend sees that I am a rescuer/caretaker and that is why he is attracted to me!!!

I'm so sick of spending my days off from work "working" on fixing, cleaning, doing in this house - problems I didn't create. Everyone needs to take care of themselves.

Sign Me,