Why could I not be gracious . . . . .

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Why could I not be gracious...

Hmm... I'll take a stab at it. 

When I have asked my husband to go somewhere with me multiple times and he has declined, then suddenly out of the blue one day he decides to go with me, I feel angry and irritated because it just reminds me of how ITS ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS NEEDS.  It was never important to him that I needed him to be with me.  He gives according to his WANTS, not according to my needs.  Plus, the old "hurt tone" feels manipulative.  "What- you never noticed my "hurt tone" when you were turning me down all those years?"

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Is there no empathy button?

I am constantly amazed that while my husband is very sensitive and in-tune to other people's feelings - he also has a broken sense of empathy. 

If I get sick, he thinks I'm making it bigger than it is.   He has no patience or empathy for illnesses longer than one or two days.  I had morning sickness for 3 months when I was pregnant.  And it was the 24-hour-a-day morning sickness.  It just drove him nuts.  It was such a BURDEN to HIM.  When the same thing happened with my second pregnancy, I decided that I would be content with 2 children.

 As I type some of these posts, I can't help but think how dumb I was to allow myself to be treated that way.

waynebloss's picture

Re: Button

It is not the button that needs to be pushed it is our way of dealing with certain situations that we are not comfortable in or unable to deal with.  Our spouses are our security blanket and when you are down, the person who TAKES care of us, then reality hits that we have to do things that either we do not know how to do or things that scare us to death.  For me, it was the bills!!!!  I was horrible with money and when my wife became ill or was gone on vacation and there was a bill due I had no clue what to do.  I honesty knew what to do but also knew that she handled all of that so I was lost. 

Him making it bigger than it is might his only defense mechanism that he knows on how to deal with that type of situation.  This is just my thoughts, I am the one with ADD in the marriage adn I know that is what I used to do on the bill issue.  She always did so she NEEDS to always do it no matter what.  It is a very bad habit but it is the one we know, the one we are comfortable with. 
 

I am now in the beginning stages of changing my habits, how I act and react to situations.  It is the hardest thing I have ever tackled in  my entire life.  So it can happen, an old dog can learn new tricks!

 

 

\Wayne

flexibility

This is a common pattern for me/us, too. My husband cannot plan and has trouble deciding what to do. I used to try to get us to plan and decide together. When I finally realized there would be no partnership in this, and it was impossible to get him interested, I first gave up and missed some parties, etc, because he didn't want to go. And got even more angry! Then I realized I was still letting him decide in a sense and made myself go to a number of things I would have preferred we would do together. But sometimes he would decide at last minute to go anyway. At first, this made me angry, too, but then I realized that I was getting angry at what I wanted! Now, I try to decide without any expectations about him - but remain flexible enough to include him if he decides. 

I mean, this works for things like parties - harder to be flexible on more important events and appointments.

As upset as you might be that

As upset as you might be that he refused to go all of those years, making you not want to go alone and resulting in you not going at all, I would try and maybe just not make a huge deal of it. It is hurtful to see them act as if 'nothing ever happened' and be all raring to go when they refused in the past. This is where we end up losing ourselves in these marriages...because we have this idea in our head of what we want (A partner who is always by our side and enjoys the same things and people we do)...and when they don't want to participate, for whatever reason...and we end up missing out on things. It is embarassing..for me anyway. There is no excuse for your husband refusing to go with you...ever. To me, that is what love and being married is about...making what is important to them, important to us. (and vice versa)

Last month my husband drops the bombshell on me (while I was sitting in class...through a text message) that he wasn't going to my family Thanksgiving dinner with me. I'm 42 years old and never spent the holidays without my family (it is just me, my brother, and my sister now...and their spouses and children...my Daddy passed away last Nov). We've been married 13 years..we've always gone to my family's for all holidays. I was devastated to hear him say this..I felt like he was trying to rip the last piece of hope for sanity I had out from under me...making me choose between my family and him...because I need both so very badly right now. His reasoning was that my sister's husband's family would be there...and he doesn't "like" them. Even our counselor said "can't you just go and be with Sherri and her family and ignore them?" He did end up going...but somehow feels I "forced" him to go. I was very upset...and it was all I could do not to cry in class when I got the text. I was very upset...and I guess because me being upset made him feel guilty, and maybe he only went out of guilt, then I guess in his mind I 'controlled' him. To be honest, I am dreading Christmas because I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that he's going to do the same thing. It is very heartbreaking when they don't see how hurtful these things are. My own theory is that this is how his own guilt, that he can't/won't let go of, is still hurting us. I think he's either pushing my family away because he is ashamed of what he did to me last Fall or he wants to make me prove my love for him by making me choose between my family..and him. Either way, I lose. I get hurt...and our marriage suffers. He told me "you can't just say the magic words and make me let go of my guilt" and he's right...but don't we all choose to hang onto things like that because they serve some kind of purpose to us? Anyone have any ideas why he can't let go of the guilt and shame? I have forgiven him, my family couldn't care less as long as I am happy, but he is hanging on for dear life and I cannot wrap my mind around why. Easier to just feel that than to just say "I f***ed up and I am going to never do that again!" or something?

:( So sorry...I would just go to the party with him and enjoy yourself. It is Christmastime...maybe time for a little extra forgiveness?

I'm So Exhausted's picture

All I can do

I am so confused by the ugly thing I have allowed my marriage to evolve into that all I can do is sit and cry as I read the responses to my posts.

waynebloss's picture

Sameboat

This is the 1st year that I did not go to her family for T-Day as well and you know how that turned out! There is more to the story but will start another post about that!.

 

Wayne

Well I.S.E., it sounds to me

Well I.S.E., it sounds to me like your husband is looking at this situation as a game, and as we know, games are meant to be won. After many years of tacit agreement with him in not going to the party, you decided to what-the-heck go the party without him. You may as well have said "checkmate" because that seems to be how he's interpreting your move.  Not cool.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Chris, I fail at strategy games

I have often pulled out my hair in frustration because this does seem like a game - that I cannot win.

And, yet . . . I am still here playing.

I really really do not want to fail at the marriage thing.

Control tactics,

Control tactics, manipulations and oneupmanship; Your heart tells you this is not what marriage is about. He offers no real interest in whatever it is you offer, until you stop following his script; Your brain knows this is not what marriage is about.

However, it IS easy to start believing this reality on the surface when you've got nothing else to go on.  I imagine you go to other people for a reality check from time to time, but it's so difficult to get them to understand. And when a common response is "Christmas is the season for forgiving" - well - what's the point in reaching out to anybody if they're going to invalidate your experience with platitudes?

So you know what? Being treated like this is not OK. Putting up with his becoming mentally allergic to introspection about his own actions and words and how they affect you is not OK. You can trust your instincts. If an interaction feels like a big game, you aren't imagining it. You can tell the difference between a sincere gesture and an insincere one.

Go ahead - demand a better life for yourself.  You won't fail.

Give me your insight on this...PLEASE

I feel I live in 2 very different worlds...it's getting to the point I'm second guessing what I would not in the past or is it real ? See I am sooooo upset that I to cry most of the time. Things that once seemed normal I now question. I had hit my bottom with only one thing to keep me from walking out for good, that was for him to return to get help. Last week at the 12TH hour he made the appointment he is to go 12/30. I'm not sure I can hang in there until then and that scares me, because I do love him.

Naturally the first few days were the pink cloud, then the bad came on fast. I knew he had made plans to get his furniture form his dad when I was moving out , but did not or want to know the details. He ask me to go to is parents house for Christmas( during the pink cloud) The first 2 times I said nothing, then I ask him if he would find out what I could take this was Saturday night. He said he didn't want to call him, because he had not told his dad that I was not leaving (no surprise here). I also felt that feeling= he'd lied and going to tell more, so he did not want to talk to him in front of me. I left the house so he could tell his story :(. When I returned he said he had to move his furniture , because is dad had already bought stuff to replace his and it was being stored @ his brothers house and was in the way. I said did you tell him we were looking to buy a bigger house and see if his bother could keep it until then, and what can I bring Christmas (I love to cook and everyone knows this) He said i have to get it so I saw no need to ask him, he also said that there is nothing you can bring.

Monday we had a full day looking @ houses that should have been wonderful ( his first house & our first together), but it was another nightmare for me. He got up in a testy mood which he knows is upsetting to me , so I remind him which only increases the behavior. ( I cry and he laughs) I leave to take the baby home and he leaves for the gym. Three hours later we meet back home, did you have a good work out ? Yes, worked out for an hour and half just got home. What else did you do? Don't worry about it! I'm so tired of fighting with you ! I just ask you a question. I SAID DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Oh I went to the doctor and got my progesterone shot. I looked at that house by the doctor's office It is laid out odd, little rooms from what I could see though the windows. I say nothing. We are on rout looking at houses and he says: I called and talked to my mom and she wanted to know if you were coming Christmas, because if you are they were going to get you a gift which will be $100 if not they want get you anything. Did you ask her what I could bring? I ASK THE ONE IN CHARGE AND YOU DON'T GO TO THE SECOND ONE IN CHARGE! THAT'S LIKE A KID PLAYING HIS PARENTS AGAINST EACH OTHER AND I'M NOT GOING TO PISS HIM OFF! ok. THAT'S LIKE ONE OF THE INMATES ASKING ANOTHER OFFICER AND THEN ASKING ME, I'M GOING TO SIDE WITH HIM NO MATTER HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT! ok i heard you. I wanted to cry , but some how was able to not. About the 4TH house he was ready to make an offer and also on the 5TH house. He knows nothing about making a offer, but acts like he knows and I know nothing. I said it's a god ideal when we find one we like to look at it again, before we make an offer. He seemed to understand. Back home he does what he always does : calls his dad tells him everything he can remember and ask me questions about what he can't remember to totally inform his dad. This behavior is very up setting to me, his dad by his own account and his dad is a sick man that refuses to get help. His dad said he would fix himself. His dad has told things to his brother that he talked about and laughed at him.

The next day (yesterday) we were to continue looking at houses starting at 11 so we went our on way to meet back at 10:30. I got a call for an interview so I called the agent to see if 2 would work for him and he said yes, I left him a note with the information . When I returned home he was on the phone with his dad and handed me a print out of a house, with no explaining. I went outside , because I could not take hearing them and I was hurt that he had gone house hunting without me.

When he got off the phone I went to the bedroom to watch TV and get my feelings together. He comes in and ask have you seen that list you made me for Christmas? No. Can you make me another one? No, I'm hurt and now's not a good time for us to talk. Well today is the 21ST and  work the next two days and I'm not shopping after working 12 hrs. (me thinking no, but you will go to the gym and workout 2 hrs) Can you make me another list? I said we have been together 2 yrs and you need a list, it was hard enough to make the first one and you lose it in less than 6 yrs? He leaves, I start to Com down when someone leave a message on the phone. It was the agent letting him know that he had submitted his offer on the house. What a way to find out! He returns home ,comes to the bedroom and wants to lay down with me, I said the agent called and said he had submitted your offer, good he says. I'm getting up, he in a playful mood try's to stop me. I say we want different things, THAT'S RIGHT ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FIGHT, me picking up my mess and leaving the room he say's THANKS FOR PICKING UP YOUR MESS AND I WILL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK! I spent the night with the baby at a friends house. Today he's at work and I'm here, not knowing what to do and no one to talk to about it. All my friends and family have no desire to even try and understand ADHD nor do they want to see my pain. To them it's simple he's a A** H*** and I desire better. I'm afraid that I will be spending Christmas at the Farm alone...FUNNY FARM that is. I need an ADHD person that is being treated to give me some insight to get me though Christmas.

Looking back and reading this ... I'm more confused than ever. Help!

Ok...take a step back...take

Ok...take a step back...take a few deep breaths...and just put things into perspective.

I would suggest that you put a hold on the house hunting at least until after the first of the year.  As volatile as things are right now, there is no way this will result in anything but a fight. He has crossed boundaries and lines that are something any reasonable person would feel. Even if he gets furious, so be it...but if he went and got a house, he would be on his own. Just like Melissa said, he has a right to do what he wants...but so do you. He also crosses the line with his family...it feels like you're about 12th in line when it comes to who matters most. If he gave you the same consideration he gives his father....but that's neither here nor there, and not helpful.

Focus on the appt lady. Just focus on what hope it might bring. He hasn't been, nothing is being treated, so to see the same old sh!t, different day isn't surprising. He is getting what he wants....by saying the right thing...and then when he thinks "ha, I called her bluff" he's right back to the same old tricks. You need to make clear your boundaries to him. You need to get into counseling for yourself as well because you have to let go of the anger regardless of what he does or doesn't do...for YOU. You cannot go on like this...and you don't want to leave and still be bitter 2-3 years from now. It is a very, very sad reality that many ADDers don't change unless 'motivated'.

I would suggest engaging in ZERO 'hot topics' from now until the 30th...let him do what he wants, but you need to just exsist until then...for your own sanity. I only say this because you say you love him and I definitely feel you want things to work. I don't like the way he treats you, but I do like that he's at least agreed to go to the doctor. My main 'condition' when I decided to try and make things work one last time after my husband's affair last fall was counseling. Even though it took months for us to find the right one and then a while to budget the money (we have to pay out of pocket) I did not lose sight of that promise, nor did I let him. If he'd have refused to get help, we would not be married today. Not a doubt in my mind. That was a boundary I set for myself that I would have rather faced the horrible pain of divorce than to give up on. Make appointments, remind him over and over again...whatever effort you feel is worth it.

For now...just do the best you can until the appointment. Is he going to the doctor or to a counselor, I can't remember. Either way I would make sure he understands that he either gets a diagnosis and gets treatment for what the hell ever is wrong or you are leaving..period. Don't let it be a wasted trip where he says "oh, they said nothing was wrong". I think you both know better.

Re -Step back

I'm trying , but am doing an awful job at it. :( Last night he came home kissed the baby grabbed the cordless ,and went into the bedroom to talk. He emerged an hour or so later said he was going to the gym. When he returned an hour so later, ask if I had fix his lunch for tomorrow (today)? No,  didn't know I was to ,you haven't talked to me in 2 days. He gets the cordless and back to the bedroom he goes.

He and the baby's B.T. is 9...at 10:30 he emerges again....of course making noise, asking about his lunch etc. I reminded him that it is 10:30 and I was trying to get the baby down. Well I'll go stay at the camper and get out of your way,I never said you were in my way,but it's past his bedtime. (h) Where are you and the baby sleeping tonight, where ever you want us too. He comes cover and kisses the baby and me ...hurry up and come to bed.

He wakes me up @ 2 am. ya know wanting some loving....the pillow talk started and I remembered what you said "think about the appointment he has scheduled". Not sure if this happen to you , but as I was talking I knew I should have just kept quite. He sad he'd know about his offer on the house Monday....and wanted to put this one on the market the same day. I said I'll buy it. he say something else, then I ask how much and he prices it for me at a discount. I did try , but @ 2am , my heart hurting my emotions got the best of my mouth. I said though tears "if you wanted me out of your life you could have said so,it didn't have to be done this way" He said I told the realtor that he would meet him @ 11 and I had an interview which I would not tell him how it went. I said I had spoke with the realtor (which I had left a note saying so) and later was good with him. I said" you didn't want to wait...it's that simple. He said I  was being to sensitive ...can you belive any spouse could or would use that line? I said that no couple would agree with him, and his behavior was hurtful. You know that saying....know when to say when...well I forgot it @ 2 am. He said you'll like it ..hum I said what you did ended us. I started to get up and he makes his attempt to keep me in bed saying you sexy woman just lay down.

He was in a tail spin @ 4 am, because he could not find his lunch. I went and got it for him...he said will you work on this house today it's a wreck. I said I will, but I'm sick of the messes you leave and I will not pick up after you. On his way out he stops and kisses me passionate and says now that's talking.

I'm not sure how much is ADHD anymore, and not sure it matters. I love him ,but I don't know how much longer I can stay on this roller coaster. He has other traits that I'm not sure about and if you are anyone has insight I'd love to hear back. When there is things going on in his life or anyone else's life he talks about it to anyone that will talk back. Example: I lost my rental house in Foreclosed  in August... he told a lady that stop at the house when we were packing things up....I had left to run errands, when I returned he had a lady's # and said she could help me save the place...WOW..I was in shock, mad, hurt and in disbelieve that he would discuss my personal business with a stranger, then he told his dad all my business after him promising he wouldn't. When I found out he had... I was hurt. He said didn't know what to say, but he would not lie to his dad when he ask ? Yes he ask because, he had already told him information that he had no right discussing with him. No he would not nor do I want him to lie , but he could lie to me when he broke his promise. I have notice that bot and his dad will gossip about any and everyone..far worse than I have ever heard in a hair solon.

Some of his behavior reminds me of low esteem and if it is I know counseling can help, but if it's who he is..... I'm so gone he can't see my tail lights. Thanks for reading, feedback welcomed, and prayers needed.