Is this something my fellow "non"s have experienced?:
We (I and my ADHD spouse) have been dealing with a volatile issue-money(go figure). Since this, and let's be honest, sometimes when we are doing ok, I reach out and...nothing(he's not there/doesn't want to talk). Then, he brings up a touchy subject, I respond, I ask for a response and...nothing. I do not hear back from him, until muuuch later, and then it is almost like it never happened. I start to wonder if I am crazy...?
He says he will call, I don't hear from him. By the way, this is NOT the norm when we are doing fine. When I ask what happened, he gets angry/defensive. Then, he comes forward and calls me. When we talk this time it is like nothing happened. I reach out, he doesn't answer. And around and around we go. Any insights on this bizarre behavior?
I experience this, too. It
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I experience this, too. It happened on my birthday, two weeks ago. My husband was out of town, as he is every week, helping out his parents. He didn't acknowledge my birthday. I sent him a short message the next day, "Wondering why you didn't acknowledge my birthday." He did not respond to that for two more days. I felt like I didn't exist during that entire time.
Wow
Submitted by cbrooks123 on
Rosered, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel-my birthday is tomorrow, and I fly home tomorrow. He is supposed to come pick me up from the airport, but I did not hear from him at all yesterday, except to say the bank account was low. Happy birthday to you!! :0)
PS I am impressed with how calmly you took that also. I suppose there comes a point when you just have to-it's not such a surprise/shock any more...
I feel the same
Submitted by Gettingbetter on
I feel that same way with my wife. What ever that subject is it works. She use's it as a tool to not talk about what ever little thing. She don't want to talk about. Even if that issue was resolved years ago. What you are writing sounds a lot like my wife. I'm the one with ADHD. It hard to reach her. I think it some kind of comfort thing by doing this. Maybe it a stress thing.
Same here.
Submitted by jennalemon on
Same here. Everything you mentioned is what is going on (and not going on) in our home too.
Now What?
Submitted by cbrooks123 on
Ok, thank you all for your insights, but now that I know(thank God) it is indicative of the disorder, what do you DO about it? I just can't keep going like this. I feel physically sick, like I am going to throw up, much of the time. I always want to drink, sometimes I take a "chill pill" to START my day, especially lately. I wonder if it's someone else, but I don't have any real reason or evidence to believe that. I feel SO alone it is depressing. Marriage is not supposed to be like this.
Does anyone know how to make this better?
I can so sympathize. I was so
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I can so sympathize. I was so lonely those first months of my marriage. I remember sitting across from my husband at dinner on our first anniversary thinking "Who is this stranger?" It only made matters worse that he had been so wonderful once upon a time ago. You are left with a feeling of confusion and heartbreak as you try to puzzle through it.
I still recommend you find a counselor. That and anti-depressants were the only thing that got me through. And even then, times were tough. Living in the same house with someone who is so different from the person you fell in love with is very cruel. I think that the only reason we didn't divorce was because my hubby moved out to take a job elsewhere. At least I was alone with my misery then!
We're back together now and while things are better, it's still so hard. There are days when he admits what a mess he's made of things and how he knows he has to get it together (Monday). And then days like today when I finally get him on the phone and he does nothing but tell half-truths and chastise me for something I tried to do to help him. And then accuse me of taking the money I got from selling the textbooks that I bought for him. Sometimes I wish I could pitch a tantrum like he does. I really don't want to go home now. If I had soap and a towel, I'd just take a shower at the gym and go straight to church so I don't have to see him at all.
As for you, the only thing that will make it better is treatment of some kind. And even then...it's a long road. It will depend on his willingness to master his symptoms and his desire to fight for the marriage.
Big hugs to you. Hang in there.
Awww
Submitted by cbrooks123 on
I'm sorry you are going through this ordeal-I know how you feel and am very grateful for every shared experience, as I feel empowered in a way-like we're in this together. God bless, keep us posted!
I am very glad also, btw, that you and your husband are working it out.
xoxo
I would say ADHD dh withdraws
Submitted by copingSAH on
I would say ADHD dh withdraws from me roughly 80% of the time when I initiate the subject.
He never wants to discuss money or budget, appointments for the children/us, visits to family, decisions on the house, purchases, travel, dining, activities and the worse one - visiting my side of the family. I have become estranged from my parents. The children and I consider ourselves very lucky when dh decides to take action and take us out, since this is spur of the moment, just what he decides to set into motion when he feels like it.
There is a very likely chance of visiting his side of the family this weekend. He has started this week to become more generous, nice and engaged with us. I know it has to do with the visit to his family because this is not his usual nature. He wants to look good and be able to tell his side of the family what he's done with us. I had been asking about Thanksgiving dinner for about a month on and off. I knew we were going to have it at home, but he didn't give me any indication when we were going or if he even wanted a special dinner. Then out of the blue on Monday, he said we're all going to shop for food. I had the forethought to have a small menu and ingredients written down in case this happened. Of course we ended up spending more than he wanted to due to not being able to plan for coupons, sales, store comparisons.
His brother is possibly on the extreme high end of the spectrum. My dh is a follower, and his brother a leader, hence very different successes in career, family, community. With my BIL, he will take any subject head on with my SIL, discuss everything with precision and move forward with it, at an amazing rate and end with success, much to the envy of other friends -- wives whose husbands will never lift a finger (not due to adhd, but just general lack of energy/motivation). It is difficult to see the glaring differences between the brothers and our lives. However this is the only time when my dh comes out of his shell and is perfectly *regulated.* I dunno why and how??? I feel like I'm in a play and I have to play my part and trying not to just expose us for being such phony people when I know once we're back in the car, everything will revert back to the way it's always been. The play's over.
I used to give 100% of my time when dh initiated, except I'm tired of giving 100% and I know I've been pulling back over the years. On the bad days, I can't give any more, it's my form of self preservation and I literally have to put myself on idle. I do it when it's really bad, but it seems that dh does it almost every single day of his life because his ADHD is just THAT difficult for him.... I feel bad for getting this off my chest, because since the grocery shopping, he's been super nice to all of us, I am almost responding to him suspiciously yet I know it has very much to do with the impending visit with his brother.
Update?
Submitted by cbrooks123 on
Oh my, you are preaching to the choir! Anything that has to do with planning even a day ahead is my territory. This is super annoying, because that means so much stress falls onto your shoulders. Yet, if you do not handle it, it does not get done, or it gets done haphazardly.
What happened over Thanksgiving?