So my hubby was supposed to get done with his overnight DJ gig at 4 this morning, but he wasn't home when I got up at 6:30am. I usually call him, fairly furious, but I just didn't have the energy this morning. He called a few times before I left for work at 7am, but I didn't take any of them until I was on the road. I was angry when I finally answered the phone. I was doing that fake cheerful, I'm-not-going-to-let-this-get-to-me-when-it-really-has-already-got-to-me thing. The hubby is pretty perceptive and picked up on it right away. Of course it led to a serious discussion wherein I tell him that I'm tired of him not taking his schooling seriously (he dropped one class as a preemptive measure b/c he got behind in the reading and he's withdrawn from two because he was failing). I told him that if he lost his scholarships that I wasn't signing on for school loans because in my mind, if you couldn't do it for free, then you don't need to pay money to do it. He, of course, says it's not my decision and I told him that was fine, good luck finding someone to co-sign the loans with him (he's credit is wrecked). Yes, I can't sympathize. I took a full load at college and worked 20 hours a week and was still on the Dean's list. It's not because I was smarter than him; it's because I took it seriously. I was careful to not allow work to get in the way of my schooling. That was what was expected of me. I was careful to do my assignments. I didn't drop a class because the professor was going to test on something that he didn't lecture about. Yes, there were times that I did my very best and still couldn't pull the grade that I wanted. I had "C"s in math and French. But I tried to do better and while I was upset that I didn't, I walked away knowing I did my best. He doesn't understand that. I'm supposed to support him because it's been rough. I'm supposed to support him even when I don't see him read his notes or his textbooks. He says I don't see him do it. Maybe that's true. Maybe he does it while I'm at work. But if he does, then why is he failing classes? And why does he still miss class on a regular basis?
I'm just tired of giving him support when he blows all his chances. And he expects me to still support him and when I don't, then his low self-esteem is my fault. I don't respect him, etc. The only reason he's going back to school is to get a degree so he can find a decent job. Then act like it, I want to scream! Education is a privilege and yet he doesn't get that. He says he can't get a different job from the one he's got now (working part-time in a bar as a DJ and cook). He stays out all night even when he doesn't work. How am I supposed to support him when he's so determined to fail?!? And yet, I'm supposed to because he's made forward motion this year. He's living with me finally, he's back in school, etc. When did you start receiving credit for doing things that a grown adult male is supposed to do? He's so determined that he doesn't have a disability, that the ADHD doesn't really affect him, yet I'm supposed to throw a party because he does what he supposed to do? WTH?!? If he just sucked it up and did what he was supposed to do, we wouldn't be in this mess. If he hadn't been chronically late and determined to buck authority, he'd still be a cop (a sergeant by now according to him); he'd still be happy; he'd still be able to treat me like he used to.
And yet under all my anger and resentment, I still feel bad. I feel bad because he can't sleep. I feel bad because he's got bleeding ulcers. I feel bad because he worries. I wonder sometimes, if he feels bad when I worry about where I'm going to come up with the money to buy groceries?
I'm so tired. I've been at this for nearly five years. The up-and-down. The watching him always get in the way of his best intentions. I won't leave but I struggle on a daily basis to let go of him and let him do his thing. I'm determined to have my say when I should just keep my mouth shut. Why can't I do that? It's a struggle nearly every day to just let go, to not get upset over the same things over and over again, and yet I do. I feel so weak and useless. I feel like if I could get beyond and stay beyond these emotions, things would at least be more even keeled. I'm supposed to rely on God, I shouldn't have a problem, and yet I find myself praying to him over and over again. On the good days it's "Help me remember to let things go." On the bad days, it's "Why am I here again?"
He's got a quiz today and I feel wretched. I feel like I wasn't able support him and now he's going to fail it too.