H finally went back to work on Monday after nearly 2 weeks of not going in. Doctor put him on light duty for 2 weeks due to his knee. H said this was his plan all along because he can't stand his manager and one of his coworkers in the area he works so he is working in a different area. Said he needed these 2 weeks off to get his head together and now while he's in this area he is going to talk to other managers and get his resume updated for other job positions in the company. Of course! Who doesn't take 2 weeks off without pay to get their head together?! I tell him I can't stand one of my coworkers who sits right next to me because she never shuts up and how I would like to take 2 weeks off to "get my head together" too but that's not an option for me! I go in to work like EVERY OTHER ADULT who has a job and get through it! Of course his situation is WAY different than mine and he has every right to do what he did and certainly tries to justify it to me! He said he'll back and see the doctor after 2 weeks and have him extend his light duty. Well he went in on time on Monday and then yesterday he tells me how happy he is working where he is now and said he got to work on time and then just sat in the car for a 1/2 hour playing on his phone and then sauntered on in to work about 45 minutes late. I said "Why would you do that" and his response is "Why not? I used sick time". WHY??? Why do you use sick time for such STUPID stuff as just being too lazy to go in? You finally like where you are so go in on time! He says that everything is so chill there that he doesn't think they really care. He did the same thing today where he didn't leave until 30 minutes after he should have and got in another 45 minutes late. Yeah you are putting on a real good show for the manager in this area that you want to get ingrained with! 2nd day on the job and you are showing up late. He thinks he is so invincible! He thinks he can charm anyone into doing what he wants. Has all these big plans for what he's going to do. Meanwhile I'm stuck paying all the bills because he can't contribute. Just went online and checked his paycheck he'll be getting tomorrow. For two weeks he's got a vacation day, a holiday and 2 actual work days. After child support and loan payments and food service is taken out his check ($452 total) it comes to $389! He had more taken out than what he came home with! He SHOULD be coming home with $1000 more than that! That can't pay for anything. He can take care of his student loan payments and credit card payment and then he's broke again! No help to pay all our other bills or mortgage payment or groceries or gas. I pay an extra $1200 a month for his share of stuff.
He just seems to find the whole thing comical. And the more angry I get about what he's doing the more comical he finds it!
Why do I live with this?
Submitted by Standing on
Mapper, I think that is the best question ever. Thanks for asking it!
For me, personally,
1) When we married 10 years ago, I was coming out of a very dark, manipulative relationship that had drained me dry.
2) I thought that this man was God's gift to me, a solid Christian man, someone who stood for the same ideals around which I wanted to build my life.
3) My upbringing led me to be a peacekeeper, a sponge for other peoples' issues, terrified of conflict, and empty of a strong sense of self. I didn't know who I was, so I was eager to let someone else fill me with that sense.
4) I was afraid to be alone. Wanted someone to take care of me, maybe like a daddy figure.
5) I thought that he would be the one, after several failed relationships, who would finally appreciate the depths of my love and reciprocate.
And lookee there... I just addressed some of the issues of how this happened, but not why I continue to live with it!
Shifting gears here...
1) he has not, far as I know, cheated on me with a physical affair, and my belief is that would be the only legitimate grounds for divorce (again, for me, personally; not speaking to any one else's criteria).
2) At age 54, I have some doubts whether I can handle supporting myself financially.
3) I'm pretty set in my mind that I will never, ever, ever, (Ever) give a second look at another man/relationship, so leaving him would equate to choosing to live the rest of my life without a sexually intimate relationship.
4) He has become an ingrained habit for me. I know what to expect with him, for the most part. Familiarity = a certain comfort level, for me.
5) Maybe it's easier to blame him for the condition of my life than to take steps toward building a new way of being. This is the one I am working on most now.
I don't know whether any of these resonate with you. I'm just sitting here thinking that, if I had the means, I'd make a point of getting away regularly... to visit family, etc. Our counselor has suggested that I turn some of my energies into volunteer work, to revitalize my life by giving to others. That makes me wonder - What energies?!? (But I get his point). Mostly, I think, it is helpful for me to stop REacting to my husband and to practice being more Proactive when it comes to setting personal goals. It feels selfish, at first, but for someone like me who has had so little sense of self for a lifetime, I think it is absolutely necessary, I have wondered, How in the world can I stop reacting, when he is continually creating a whirlwind of negative consequences?!? I am a hard core introvert, and have suffered greatly by this constant flurry, even when it's not so negative. So the first step for me came with empowering myself to shur a door for a short while each day, just as I did when my kids were small. He hates it, but has had to come to some acceptance of this small boundary, because I would not budge. I put in earplugs or headphones, with him, since he surely does not need me to be tuned in all the time, like my babies did. Gives me a chance to zone out for a bit each day, which is absolutely crucial to my survival.
I think if you will identify one thing that you can do for yourself, to focus on, and practice that, then some of your answers may become more clear. I only know that it just has to Stop being all about him. Best wishes!
I agree with everything you
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I agree with everything you said! It definitely is a comfort thing. I've been with him for 10 years and the idea of starting over with anyone and building something is too much.I too am an introverted person. I didn't date much and when we met when I was 32 it was the most attention I had received from a guy. He needed to borrow money from me a few months in and I gave it to him. However then he always needed money. He couldn't pay his bills and wanted new toys and I always buy them for him. He still can't pay his bills or anything and I pay for everything. After him not going ot work for 2 weeks do you know wht he said to me yesterday when I got home? He asked if I would mind buying an XBox that he's been wanting to get for a while. We hav one already but he wants to give that to his daughter and get an upgraded one where we can get Blu Rays and all this new fangled stuff that means nothing to me. And me, who can never say no got upset but in the end I always get it for him. I was so angry I just said use my card and get whatever you want! I didn't even ask how much it was. Can he not see that he doesn't work and then asks me to buy him toys? By the way, it came to $581! Then he tries to get all lovey dovey with me because he got what he wanted and gets upset because I'm angry!
This morning I check his email like I always do because he always seems to not tell me a lot of things and he of course has no idea I know his password. He had two emails from Ebay saying "Thanks for your $781 purchase and thanks for your $140 purchase!" I want to cry! He put these on a PayPal pay later thing. He has 2 credit cards which amount to about $2500 he owes and then this Pay Pal thing where he now has at least $900 much! I don't understand this. He doesn't work but he is building up debt wherever he can. I have absolutely no idea what he would have bought for that much but I am guessing it is parts for his motorcycle. How is he going to explain that when they show up?? You can't afford an XBox but you can afford this?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I give into his wishes every time because I want to see him happy but I never get anything in return because he can't afford anything. He'll spend hundreds he can't afford on himself or his daughter he doesn't see very much but won't help me with bills or get me something nice. Yet he thinks I should bow down and kiss his feet when he cooks dinner or mows the yard. I never rub it in his face every month after I pay his share of the bills and mortgage and buy groceries!
Right now I am just really unhappy with everything.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
H has just overwhelmed me with such sadness over his non-stop spending of money he doesn't have and not going to work and then going to work and being in a new area but then slacking off there because things are so laid back. His 16 y/o daughter is coming up tomorrow to stay with us for who knows how long. She was originally supposed to come 2 weeks ago for a week long visit but that got moved until tomorrow. Then she is supposed to come for 2 weeks in August, which was to be the first two weeks, but now she's so late for this month's visit that it goes right into the first 2 weeks of August so I don't know if we get her for 3 weeks or what. I get along with her, but I am NEVER excited about her visits, especially long ones. I am ready for her to leave before she even gets here. So I'm not happy about having to deal with her for a week or 2 or 3 or however many they decide on. Nothing is ever set in stone. We could be ready to take her back on Sunday and then H will go "Why don't you spend the whole week here?" I hate that there is never any certainty to anything. Then a couple who used to live next door to us are visiting family for the weekend and are going to stop by and see us. We haven't seen them in 2 years but I am not excited about spending time with them. It will most likely just be a few hours for dinner but my heart isn't in it. Then H is having his friend who he met last year up on Saturday and he will most likely bring his wife (who is 10 years younger than me and a bit of an airhead) and his 3 year old. I have nothing in common with the wife and have no tolerance for children for more than about 30 minutes. I am not looking forward to them being here for who knows how long on Saturday along with my stepdaughter being there as well. I just have nothing to look forward to and I certainly won't have any privacy in the next few days. The thing I look forward to the most is going to work and being away from it all.
Mapper I'm sure I shouldn't say this....
Submitted by c ur self on
Forgive me, but your post just pisses me off!...Your husband needs to get out and learn to be a responsible man...He's living like a kid and your enabling it!...A year or two alone may help him....but he has no reason to change now as long as he can use you...You do not deserve this, no one does....
I know this all too well. I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I know this all too well. I realize I enable him and I give in EVERY DAMN TIME! I don't want him to be angry at me for denying him something even though I have every right to be boiling over with anger with him! I'm too used to being with him to change. The idea of leaving him and starting over on my own is overwhelming. I just stay because it's the easiest thing to do.
I don't want other people around right now because I am so angry about him. I don't want to put on a happy face for everyone else when I'm not happy. What I want to do is just let it all out to everyone so they now how things really are.
I wish peace for you mapper...
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand.
How can I get through this
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
How can I get through this next week? I do NOT want his daughter to be up here right now but I of course have no say about that. She always wants to hang out with me rather than him and I have no tolerance for her right now. I don't want to deal with company this weekend either, especially a 3 year old! I'm just not in a happy place and I'm sure it will show.
See what I say below
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper,
You need to be able to say "No." If you don't want people over, you have a right to say so. I suggest if the daughter has to come, you do it in a time limited way. You are letting others' needs come first. Doing this for too long will drive you crazy. Start taking your needs more seriously, and as I say below, start drawing some real boundaries. You deserve to have your needs met too.
Boundaries are in order
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Mapper,
It's been pretty clear for awhile now that you are very unhappy with your husband's behavior, and who could blame you? This is not just ADHD behavior on his part. There seems to be something like ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) going on here as well. He just wants to do life his way and seems to expect everyone else to fall in line. And you do. The part I'm not understanding is that you get very little help from him in paying the household bills, but when he wants a new toy costing over $500, after an argument, you give in and let him have free reign with the credit card to buy it. I hear what you are saying about being comfortable with your relationship with him, and I appreciate your unwillingness to separate, but I don't think drawing boundaries around the way funds are spent is going to cause him to leave. He knows he has a good deal with you. Why would he want to give that up?
I really encourage you to seriously consider drawing boundaries in this marriage. If you only want his daughter to stay for a certain period of time, say so. If you don't want him to make expensive purchases like an xbox, don't support it, no matter how much he carries on about it. If you are the big breadwinner here, and if he is too lazy or too childish to go to work like a responsible adult male, there is no reason for you to give in to his every whim. He is clearly not respecting you and your needs. Why always give in to his? His behavior is very manipulative. I really support you to support yourself and to stand up for yourself in this marriage. If you don't, you will end up resenting him more and more.
I wish you the best.
Awesome reply Nancie....
Submitted by c ur self on
AMEN!....You do deserve your own life Mapper!...If he loves you, he will deal with the boundaries...If he leaves maybe he will grow up....As for as this weekend, just tell him how you feel and you do not want company, it's not a good time...If he disrespects that, a beach condo sounds nice for a week or so :)
I feel just too defeated to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I feel just too defeated to draw boundaries. Every time I do say what I want I get shot down. Like last night I told him that when this couple and their 3 year old come over I don't want them spending the night again like they did on the 4th of July because I don't like having people spend the night. He goes 'That is the first time we ever had anyone stay! What's the big deal?" I said "I don't like people staying here simply so they can drink and not have to drive home just like I don't like staying at other people's houses" He goes "Well I know you don't really get along with her but I like him and I like that they spent the night". So he just dismissed what I told him. I tell him that he should just go out with the guy some night and I'll stay home and he tells me that that doesn't make any sense since his wife will be there. Why would just he go out with both of them. Because I don't want to waste a night with someone I have no desire to hang out with. He doesn't want to let me stay home. If I say to him "So when is daughter going back home" he'll get all uppity and go "I don't know! She can stay as long as she wants as far as I'm concerned." But that's not what was planned. You've already screwed up the visitation so much I don't know when she's coming and going half the time. Then 2 years ago was classic when I heard him talking to her after I went to bed saying he wants her to live with us for a year. Not a word to me about it beforehand other than the constant 'Oh I wish she would live here with us. We'd have fun" to which I always just said 'Mm hmm" but he apparently saw that as I'm on board with it. The next day I confront him about it and he says "We've talked about this and I want to spend time with her. It will be fun". I am your wife and you don't even consult with me on her moving in with us for a year. No thought on what that would entail. Luckily that whole scenario didn't fly!
I just say whatever to him using my credit card because I am so defeated. Maybe just maybe one of these times I'll get something in return after all I do for him but I know I won't. I certainly can't tell him I don't want his daughter here or only for a few days. I can see his reaction right now of "I never get to see her and I want her here as much as possible." Hell, I even paid close to $2500 for a lawyer so he could get a parenting plan. One more thing he didn't pay for (but promised he'd pay me back and never did).
I am such a people pleaser and always have been. I got the silent treatment from my mom growing up for unknown reasons. They would go on for 3 or 4 days before she'd finally talk to me again. I never knew why she wouldn't talk to me but felt like crap the entire time. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't sleep or eat or work or go out with friends and ONLY wanted to make her happy again. That was my only goal. This is how I feel with my husband. I want happiness at all times because I don't know how to deal with being angry at someone. If I do get angry, about an hour later I go and apologize even though I shouldn't be the one apologizing.
Awww Mapper
Submitted by Standing on
I separated our finances about 6 years ago. Husband didn't like it, but life went on. We still have so many problems, but at least he is not running up debt in my name. I think that we each must start somewhere.
I was so much like you. Seemed like I couldn't resist saying yes to him... partly because when I tried, he'd get furious and partly because some of his ideas sounded so fun that I got caught up in them, too. As I started to approach the age of 50, reality began to shine more brightly than the latest shiny thing he dangled before me, and I decided that one of us really needed to grow up. Since I am the only person I can change, I was it. He was thoroughly tickled with things just the way they were, so no incentive to change there.
It's the same with other issues, too, you know? My counselor has pointed it out to me recently as a reminder... my husband has no motivation to change if what he's doing now is working for him. Also that it's not being mean or selfish to hold standards and limits for yourself, to clarify and define where you begin and end, where he begins and ends. It's wise. I still have a hard time with it, because I still tend to melt at confrontation. (Today, at our counseling appointment, he talked with scorn at me, referring to me as the ice princess. Am not!! Am I gonna start doing everything his way in order to prove that? nuh uh.)
Maybe you can turn over a new leaf, if you want, and write up a budget that gives him a toy allowance? I know that doesn't fix all the other issues with working and bills, but it's a start. You can do it!!
Stepdaughter will be here in
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Stepdaughter will be here in about 5 hours. I am completely depressed about it. I am not in a happy place with H and now I have to deal with having her here for however long her visit is going to be. She doesn't want to be here anyways because she has no friends here but he insists that she come up to honor the parenting plan even if he is working every day. I will not have any time alone for at least a week, most likely more. I don't want to act all happy and cheery around her because I'm not. What I really want to ask H is "When is she going back home?" but to ask that before she even gets here isn't going to look good. Not like he'd know anyways since nothing is ever planned until the day before. THAT is what I hate is that nothing is EVER written in stone. Everything is done on a whim.
I am also not looking forward to the visit from our old neighbors tomorrow and REALLY not looking forward to H's friend and his wife and daughter coming up on Saturday. Tomorrow isn't so bad because it turns out it's just one the husband, not the wife, who will be in town and he will just be stopping by for a bit. He isn't one to hang around that long. However the Saturday family may stay all night for all I know. I guess it comes down to I just don't like having people in my house and not knowing when they will leave.
I don't want any of this and I have nothing to look forward to.
Mapper, what are you getting
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, what are you getting from your relationship? If the negatives outweigh the positives, I think you should seriously consider ending the marriage.
I don't know. There are times
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I don't know. There are times when he is fine but the bad seems to outweigh the good lately. I am too cowardly to end the marriage. I have no backbone and I will back down if I even try because he will turn it around on me just like everything else and make me feel bad about everything. It's just easier to stay and go on with my life with hope that something will change than leave and start all over again. I feel like I promised I would stay married to him through good times and bad and don't want to give up.
maybe ask yourself
Submitted by Standing on
Is staying with him like this really the easiest thing to do, Mapper?
Can you make return arrangements with whomever is bringing your stepdaughter there to you? That would eliminate some of the unknown, immediately.
Edited in: I didn't see your last post, Mapper. There is a long stretch of things you can do between this moment and ending your marriage. Maybe think in smaller steps, instead of giant leaps?
It is the easies and the most
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
For me it is the easiest and the most unconfrontational. I HATE confrontation.
She comes and goes via Amtrak so her mother bought her ticket here and H will buy her ticket back. And H doesn't usually buy her ticket until the day before and certainly won't make a decision as to when she'll return until next week unless she has plans she has to be back for.
What can I do in smaller
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
What can I do in smaller steps?
You
Submitted by c ur self on
Read Nancy's post from yesterday...start with simple boundaries...if you feel you are incapable of getting his attention in a serious manner hire a counselor. You have been very honest here about your inability to speak up or take stand...It's obvious your husband has power over you. I had this same power over my first wife...She was a sweet meek person that everybody loved. And I have always been quiet decisive and a leader...But, if she ever felt strongly enough to set me down and show emotion about a subject I would be like OK...I need to listen here...Mapper it does not have to be a emotional confrontation. Your his wife not his door mat you have a life and it's perfectly OK for you to decide what is right for you. He has gravy train, so do you think he's not going to rebel somewhat? So expect it, but I think he will work with you when he's see that you have a made up mind and he has no choice. Just do not focus on his fit pitching and is attempts to intimidate you, just walk away and say my minds made up. And if he leaves (which i doubt, he knows where his bread is buttered) what do you really have in him anyway? Where's his respect for his wife?
Standing, I agree that ending
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Standing, I agree that ending the marriage is a giant leap. But I think that it's an option when a person realizes that the bad consistently outweighs the good, the person realizes change is necessary, the other spouse shows no sign of changing behavior, and the person has reached the point of blaming herself for everything and feeling that her life is without hope.
Yes, it is an option, I agree
Submitted by Standing on
Rosered, I don't disagree with you. It's just that when I think of ending a marriage, it can sound like a gigantic, almost insurmountable task. Also, my own experience has proven to me that if boundary-setting isn't learned in one relationship, then the next one is likely to suffer similar issues. Anyhow, I had hoped there might be a way for Mapper to begin setting boundaries on those areas that are most important to her, which right now, sounds like Personal Space (which I guard passionately).
Mapper, you end up paying for most of the household bills anyway, right? Maybe you and step-daughter can plan her return together, you can purchase the ticket, and possibly then your worries would be relieved enough to even enjoy (or at least more easily tolerate) her visit? Just a thought. That would be one small step toward exerting your right to input within your own home.
But see, it's not my decision
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
But see, it's not my decision. She's not my daughter and I have no say in it. If I told H that we bought her ticket without telling him there would be hell to pay. I am hoping that she has to be back by next weekend so we can send her off.
Mapper, is there somewhere
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, is there somewhere else you can stay for the duration of the visit?
No there's no family around
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
No there's no family around and I don't have any friends that I would ask. Besides, H would pitch a fit if I did that and there's no way I would ever bring that up to him! He has no clue that I think there's anything wrong. He thinks everything is SO awesome between us and says how great we have it! Always says he's so amazed he met me!
Mapper, here's a first step:
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, here's a first step: tell your husband how you feel. Yes, he might pitch a fit. I think you can survive that. I really do.
Mapper
Submitted by c ur self on
Mapper if he so over powers you...it may be better for you to write your feelings on paper, once the family and friends clear out. Some times trying to converse with someone who has such strong opinions, and seeming no problem interrupting when he feels like, it can be very hard to get them really hear you...Of course that's the reason they do it, truth hurts....So think about it...
I don't have any stepchildren in the area,
Submitted by Standing on
so that's not something I've had to manage, sorry. It just seems that if you're the one responsible for her while she's visiting, then you have every right to have a say in the time frame of her visits. All that grin-and-bear-it stuff surely does get old. Wish I could help you! I have made a major point of claiming my space and quiet time, here, and often it does not go over so well, but my husband has had to adjust to it, for the most part.
Standing, you are right.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Standing, you are right. Little steps before big ones!
Rosered,
Submitted by Standing on
I wish we could build Mapper a Woman-Cave!
Well at least I got an answer
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Well at least I got an answer as to how long SD is staying. Until next Sat or Sun. Still too long for me. Wish she would go home before next weekend. I don't mind it so much when I just come home form work and only have to spend 3 hours with her before bed, but I really hate having to spend all day both Sat and Sun with her.
Oh and this is great. So H went in on time to his new job area on Monday, then went in 30 minutes late both Tuesday and Wednesday and then today, for whatever reason, took off a few hours early with the excuse that he had to go pick up his daughter even though she wasn't getting in until 6 hours after he was off work anyways! Then he tells me tomorrow he's either going to take a full day off or work a half day so he can spend time with her. Then there's next week where he wants to take a day or two off as well! He can't work 40 hour week to save his life! He saw how upset I was on Monday and tells me "I'll go to work everyday....for the next two weeks anyways" and then goes 'Oh I'm terrible aren't I? " and laughs it off! It makes me sick how funny he finds this whole thing!
Mapper, I apologize if my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, I apologize if my comments before about considering ending the marriage upset you. I feel as though I know some of the frequent posters here, you among them, and it distresses me to know how unhappy you are. I hope you can work on feeling better about yourself; you deserve to have happiness.
No Rose, they did not upset
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
No Rose, they did not upset me. Plenty of others on forums have told me the same thing so it is nothing new. If I were anybody else I'd look at my posts and go "Why on earth do you stay with him?"
I just want to be able to go and do things I want to do without the constant worry of "How is he going to react if I tell him I'm going out with a friend?" or "Can I go and have a good time with friends without him giving me some kind of sarcastic comment when I return?" or just simply "Can I go out for 1/2 a day to do what I want and not have to worry about him pitching a fit because I was gone too long?" I just feel I have lost all my freedom and my self esteem due to him. You know, I am a very happy and content person and the only person who makes me feel like crap is him! I second guess how I cut carrots if he's in the kitchen looking over my shoulder because it's probably "wrong"!
Do you have a counselor, Mapper?
Submitted by Standing on
I don't recall whether you've mentioned counseling. Do you have someone there, face to face, who will help you to overcome the fear of confrontation?
Feel like I've been where you are. My mother also was very controlling and would shut me out when she was displeased with me. She was a perfectionist and had an extremely critical spirit. To her, I was like the little girl with a curl .... When I was "good", in her eyes, I was very, very good, but when I was bad, I was horrid. My enter life revolved around pleasing her. That method of relating continued throughout my life, until I encountered someone who made it too dangerous to continue. I was forced to draw boundaries then, and now am trying to find a sustainable balance.
You can stop being a pleaser, Mapper. If I can, anybody can. You can come to realize that you have great value, apart from any other person! That you are worth more than jewels and gold, because of WHO you are, not because of what you can Do. In fact, you can accomplish pretty much anything you set your mind to, Except - change your husband.
I think sometimes we need to let someone else re-parent us. I know that I did... still do,,, but my husband can't do it and I surely don't want him to replace my mother as the dominating factor in my life.
No I am not in counseling.
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
No I am not in counseling. There's no way I could go to counseling without him knowing. My insurance is through him so he would be notified of a co-pay and get something in the mail. I wouldn't want him to know I was going because he would blow up over that. Even if I did go an pay for sessions without insurance, I'd still be afraid that he would find out somehow-something in the mail, a phone call, just SOMETHING. Like I said, he thinks everything is fine and dandy between us and nothing could be wrong.
Stepdaughter came last night for her visit. She wasn't here even an hour and H started doing what he thinks is just so fun. He starts touching her in an annoying way like trying to put his finger up her nose and getting his hands in her face and then aggressively trying to tickle her. He was doing the same thing to me at the same time and I was trying to push him away. Keep in mind he left work early yesterday just because he wanted to and was probably home by 11AM and had probably been drinking since then and it was now 9PM so he really thinks he is oh-so-funny. SD yells at him to stop and he keeps laughing and getting more aggressively in her face. She stands up and raises her fist like she's about to punch him and goes "Would you f****** stop it!" Oh that immediately stopped him from doing it. He goes 'Whoa time out! You do NOT speak to me like that. You have definitely crossed a boundary." She goes "Well then STOP it!" and he immediately dismisses her and goes "No, no no. We are talking about you being disrespectful to me". SHE has crossed a boundary? You don't think doing what YOU are doing is crossing a boundary? When she (or I for that matter) say stop you continually do what you are doing even more aggressively because "we are having fun". Then if we yell at him he walks away in a huff saying that he's having fun and we are the ones with the problem.
SD at 16 has WAY more of a backbone than I do. I so wanted to say something but I knew that would just blow up into him getting angry which would amount to me feeling like crap and only wanting to apologize and make things right or else I'd be afraid of what today would be like and I wouldn't be able to concentrate at work.
This 2 week visit is starting off oh-so-good! Every damn time she visits it turns into one of them pissing off the other one. EVERY SINGLE TIME! It doesn't matter if it's a 48 hour visit or a 2 week visit. I'm the one in the middle who is supposed to be on both sides when all I want to do is run out the door and not come back! Of course he took today off to spend with her. I can't wait to walk through the front door tonight to see how the day transpired between them.
Mapper, I feel so sad to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, I feel so sad to think of you not going to counseling because your husband would find out and realize that you are unhappy. You are a worthy person. You deserve to have the truth of your existence acknowledged and to have assistance in making things better. PLEASE get some help!