Why do non-ADD/ADHD spouses stay in ADD/ADHD relationships?

I didn't have a plan "B"

Submitted by Clarity on Wed, 05/12/2010 - 01:39

and after many years my children are grown and I am back in school making an effort but it's slow going because I work for food and enough money to pay for a class or two per semester. Much trouble would of been avoided with proper financial planing which he defied. Now, we cannot afford to divorce and I have nothing to fall back on... Always have a backup plan!

Why do we stay

Submitted by rpayton1215 on Fri, 05/14/2010 - 13:43

I am been asking myself that question lately. Our couples counselor said she has not seen so much back and forth and emails before. Maybe she does not get many patients who have survived this long in an ADHD relationship. Many leave without knowing that ADHD was the problem. But when you love someone so much, you always hold up hope for a solution. I am learning that when there is denial, the closer we get to a solution the worse it gets. The degree of ADHD seems to affect the degree of denial and defensiveness.

Going to family counseling has not worked for me, because she is not willing to tell the truth and is so good at accusing me in very detailed fashion. If the counselor does not understand the problem, they won't understand the burden it has on he non-ADD spouse.

My spouse will use divorce when things get tough. During that time she gets away with all the ADHD activities, like spending, not washing dishes, taking off when she wants, and more. Upon her return, she acts like nothing is happening and then points the finger at me because i did something that desrespected our relationship. She uses those examples as reasons why I am the problem and violating the relationship.

She forgets that I was only acting in response to her plans to get divorced. And she forgets that we were getting divorced, after she did all the thing she wanted to do.

Why do we stay?

Submitted by plantlover on Fri, 05/14/2010 - 15:14

So far, I've stayed because I made a commitment to be married for life. I've stayed because it seems best for my children, even though only one is still living at home. And I've stayed because I've spent so many years being committed to my husband's business and my childrens' upbringing that I have no means of supporting myself.

All that said, it's not working for me anymore. I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with someone who is increasingly distracted, who won't deal with his ADD issues, who pays attention to everything and everyone but me. I'm all alone in this marriage, and I don't like it. It's harder to continue to have patience with his behaviors because he has no intention of changing them. He wants total and complete acceptance for who he is. I'm dealing with some health issues, due to the long-term stresses of the marriage. I have to get better to have enough energy to make changes.

We're at the point where there's almost nothing my husband could do to change my heart. It's been beaten on and used up for so many years that I don't want to love him again. I don't think I have it in me to try again. So that leaves me trying to cope with his behaviors and work to find ways to relax and rest so that I continue to get healthy. The gift is that I'm learning that only I can take care of my needs.

For all those who've been in this type of marriage for years, I understand what you're living through.

Sounds Like Me.......

Submitted by mugatea on Wed, 11/03/2010 - 20:29

When I read this, most of it is like my Life. I have been married to my wife for 24 years and I ask myself about everyday why? I do love her, but I am not in Love with her anymore, if that make any sense. I don't hate her or wish bad things for her. I constantly look back and wonder about the missed opportunities I had to marry someone else.

My youngest son (16 years old) has been diagnosed with ADD at age 14. I had to take my son into the doctors myself, because my wife denied he had any problem. When he was diagnosed with ADD, she said I could have told you that when he was 5 years old. She did not want him to be labeled and mostly, she did not want anyone to know she has ADD, since most of the time, if a child has ADD, then one of the parents has ADD. How selfish can you be? We could have helped out our son long time ago. This is a very very difficult thing for me to forgive her for.

Your last paragraph about your heart beaten on for so many years is exactly how I feel. Why are all the books or articles you read on ADD relationships, suggest that the NON-ADD person needs to make adjustments or changes? The NON-ADD person needs to understand and cope. If my Wife was an Alcoholic, should I be the one to make changes or adjustments and learn to cope with the situation. Of course not, but with ADD you should.

The stress of the marriage has caused me to have to take High Blood pressure medication. I can take High Blood pressure medication, but she won't take ADD medication.

I feel your pain.

I don't think anyone suggests

Submitted by SherriW13 on Thu, 11/04/2010 - 08:55

I don't think anyone suggests that you 'adjust and cope' at the expense of your own happiness. I would have never made adjustments to fit around all of the ADD behaviors that were so hurtful and harmful to me and my family. (I am non-ADD wife, husband has ADHD) I decided to CHANGE MYSELF for ME...and invited him AND encouraged him to come along. He fought me for a while, the joined me for a while, and we stumbled for a while, still do sometimes, but we BOTH moved forward and made changes together. If you are with someone who refuses treatement, refuses to get on board with doing things differently for the sake of everyone's happiness, then you either stay or you go...but you have to let go of the bitterness and anger for YOU, regardless.

I told myself for many years that there was just no way I could ever feel anything 'romantic' for my husband again, how could I just forgive the pain and forget about it and move forward? Look at all he had cost me? Look at all of the sick, pit of the stomach feelings he'd given me all of these years, all of the nights I cried myself to sleep begging God to just let him stop hurting me....how in the world could I EVER get past that???? But I did...because I was sick of being angry and bitter and resentful...and most importantly I was sick of blaming all of my anger and bitterness on everyone else but myself. When you finally GET IT that the anger is YOUR choice and that you don't have to give up your entire exisistence but that you have CHOSEN to give up your life, then you have the power to change everything. I know it sounds simple, but is like climbing a mountain without a rope...but it really is the only way you'll quite possibly ever see any change...if you start with yourself. Not for her...for YOU..and for your son.

My feelings that my husband is lazy, selfish, irresponsible, etc..have all been replaced with love, compassion, and understanding of HIS perception of the world and how completely different it is.

Because I love him

Submitted by Astrea on Sun, 05/16/2010 - 03:17

despite all the tears and arguments, I still love him. I still want to be with him. I have a lot of issues stemming from my family and how I was raised and he gets it. Because he can still make me laugh, because even though I may not get the kind of attention I expect from a relationship, I still get attention, he just shows it differently. Even with all our problems, I still want to marry him (not yet, but one day). I stay because even though I'm not entirely happy being with him, I really do believe I would be more unhappy with someone else or on my own.

That's just me though. I have wondered, reading some of the posts, how many spouses stay out of the sense of familiarity or fear of the unknown?

I was like you

Submitted by SusiQJ on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 02:40

I felt like you did but I went ahead and married him. It's been over 4 very long terrible years and I'm wondering how to get out. Really think long and hard about it because they don't change and what you think you can deal with over time diminishes. Life with a ADHD person is difficult especially if they don't "really" see how they are and how things actually happen.

I was warned not to get to get married unless he dealt with the issues and I thought he had at least started and things would be different because of my belief in him and what we could do together. Just make sure and really think long and hard about the marriage.

better for kids -- survived, overcame, but sure was tough

Submitted by arwen on Sun, 05/16/2010 - 04:27

I stayed because, after I weighed everything, it was better for my kids for me to stay. Some of my husband's ADD behaviors were dangerous to them in certain situations (e.g. driving), but I was able to arrange things so that either I prevented these situations from occurring or to keep my kids away from the dangers during these situations. The rest of his behaviors drove me crazy, and sometimes the kids, too, but there were also a lot of good things that my husband did that were important and worthwhile. Aside from being a caring dad and a fun person, he had found his career niche, and was making good money (even if he was completely inept at handling it! but fortunately over time he was more and more willing for me to handle the finances).

Even though I had the education and work experience necessary to supporting our kids on my own if my spouse and I divorced, I never would have been able to send them to college -- they would have had a much tougher time after high school if I had left my husband. (Yes, I would have negotiated child support with my husband, but given his difficulties in handling money and fulfilling obligations, I had no confidence that I would ever actually see any of the money.)

I was able to get my husband to a neuropsychiatric evaluation after five years of denial, and things were certainly better after he got on meds and counseling -- but there were still plenty of problems. He did pretty well with learning new habits that were relatively easy to establish, and he started using a PDA to help him remember things like appointments or grocery lists better, but the hard stuff, like communication problems, thinking about consequences, or self-examination, hardly improved at all. Still, the changes he did make made the situation just barely tolerable.

I was determined that our kids should not get any more of a raw deal than I could possibly help. So, yes, I battled and worried and wore myself out, working full time after he was diagnosed, handling the money, managing the household, doing most of the child-rearing, taking on all the necessary planning. I made sure that I exercised regularly, but shortchanged my sleep. I gained weight, and my stress levels were off the charts. I survived, but I definitely did not thrive!!

About five years ago, kids grown and on their own, I reached a breaking point. My husband also has Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was getting worse, and it made his ADD worse from late fall to early spring -- and there were problems at my job at the same time. I couldn't handle both anymore, I was used up, no more reserves. My husband and I separated for almost a year. It was helpful to us both, I think, it clarified a lot of things and we found new ways to deal with problems. It gave me a chance to recoup my personal resources. The last three years have been increasingly good and our marriage continues to get better. NOW, I *am* thriving.

I think the keys elements in *my* surviving, overcoming and thriving are:

Be as ready as you can manage to leave your marriage if the situation becomes truly impossible. If you haven't finished college, try to complete your degree, so you have some individual earning power. Save some money where your spouse can't get at it.
Evaluate the situation, learn as much as you can about WHY the ADD brain works the way it does, figure out what you can and can't live with, clearly communicate your minimum expectations, and don't compromise on them. But, be willing to change your behaviors, too, if that will help, as long as it doesn't violate your principles.
Be persistent and determined in working to address the ADD behaviors that are causing problems. If your spouse won't get individual counseling for his/her ADD problems, try to go to a marriage counselor together. (If nothing else, it may make it easier for your spouse to accept the idea of individual counseling later.) Also get some counseling for yourself, as a reality check.
Communicate with your spouse frequently -- but don't overburden them with too much information to keep track of. Your spouse may not remember it all, but the more you repeat the important stuff, the more it's likely to stick. When you talk, sum up at the end to make sure you have both ended on the same page, or ask your spouse to sum up, so you know they have heard and understood.
Take physical care of yourself as best as you can, try to get enough sleep and exercise. Most of us can find ways to streamline our lives, or compromise on standards a little, to make the time available. (When my kids were growing up, I shortchanged my sleep because my kids both got involved in competitive athletics, and I wanted them to have that opportunity -- in retrospect, I'm not sure that was the right decision. Now I try hard to get enough sleep -- I don't always succeed, but it's definitely better when I do.)
Experiment with tools and strategies, and don't expect all the experiments to succeed. Even if it doesn't help, you should have learned something from it.
Consider taking a break in your relationship if you get stressed to your limit, and try to prepare for such a possibility. Can the kids go stay with grandma, or camp, for a few weeks? Is there a friend or relative you can stay with, or some quiet place you can go, to relieve your nerves and recharge your batteries?

This is not a course of action for the faint of heart! And I certainly wouldn't have chosen it. I don't think that everybody can do this, either (or may not want to). It helped me immensely that I got my degree and some work experience before we added the extra stresses that children contribute to life, so that I was in a position of greater financial potential and greater independence -- without that, I don't know how I could have made family life with an ADD spouse work. But at least there is *one* way where it can.

"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore

You give me hope!

Submitted by LOVECOLORADO on Thu, 10/21/2010 - 18:10

Dear Arwen,

When I first started reading your post, I became down hearted and felt like crying. My husband of almost 7 years has just been diagnosed with adult ADHD at the age of 64!!!! I have read Melissa Orlov's book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage after seeing her and Dr. Hallowell on The Today Show. We have been in and out of counseling for several years now, and not much, if any progress has been made. He left me again, for the 4th time, just a few days ago after a fit of rage. He seems to be willing to accept his recent diagnosis, but when he left he said he was going to quit taking his meds because, after all, he was only taking them for me. I am not going to be in a hurry to allow him to come back, as I need to, as you said, "recharge my batteries". This has been incredibly exhausting and emotionally draining! At 54 myself, starting over, alone is not something I want to do, but will if I have to. I was a single mom for a long time before I ever met him, so I guess I am not one of the faint of heart.

There is a lot that I can handle; like his forgetfulness, his projects that go unfinished, his ramblings, his losing things, his self centered-ness (sometimes) and his big schemes for getting "rich". But, I can not handle all of the anger directed at me! Long before his diagnosis, I felt like I had a huge bullseye target on my back, just ready for his arrows.

I have communicated my minimal expectations, but they are just scattered into the wind. When he crosses the line, I remind him that he has done so, and even though he apologizes, he will do it again the next time. I am tired of the dance.

The fact that you found the strength to hang in there is inspiring! Thank you for posting!

Why?

Submitted by tarjavj on Fri, 05/21/2010 - 19:50

I think I would have stayed longer, but as our relationship was going so sour, my ADHS spouce (no medication, no therapy) decided to leave me. He had found female collegue who understood him so much better than I did (after 15 years of marriage). Why would I have stayed, because he made me feel alive, he was my one and only, but he also made my life soooo difficult. I was completely depressed and unhappy, but I cannot tell what there is with these men that make you feel dependant, that you could not live without. Must be the eximent and never booring life, but at certain stage it gets too much of a roller-coster ride.

It is almost a year ago that we separated, and I still do have feelings for him, but I also know that there are men out there much easier and nicer for me than he ever was.

Do not sacrafice your life, I waited 7 years too long.

An unpopular observation

Submitted by A Lunar Life on Fri, 05/21/2010 - 21:06

Let me make a disclaimer on my post before posting it.

I am not pointing any fingers at anyone or accusing anyone here of this. There might be spouses here that do the things I have observed. If my observation stings anyone I apologize.

My BF's ex wife and he were married for 18 years. Where he was pathologically distracted, she was pathologically "in control". She took it to an emotionally abusive level. She would shout at him that he was stupid, lazy, not making an effort, an idiot about everything. And she enjoyed this role and complained to any and everyone who would listen that she was the martyred spouse of a fool. She played up the victim role in her life so she could be the good one to his bad boy role. She got a lot of emotional mileage out of the relationship in terms of getting sympathy from others about her bad marriage and irresponsible spouse.

I think it must be easy to get to a point of extreme frustration and finally the non ADHD partner gets to some breaking point and may leave but others may stay just because they get to play a good guy role.

It's true that I too get frustrated with my ADHD partner, but I am very careful to be assertive and not agressive towards him. He has internalized his ex wife's viewpoint that he is a loser and an idiot. Those communications damaged him as much as his disorder.

When he messes things up and he does, but then so do I sometimes, I am careful to use the golden rule- treat him the way I would want to be treated. I tell him, Look, you are a human being and you made a hasty decision that turned out badly. What should you do fix it? We are both very big on personal accountability for each of us since we both have a disorder, I am bi polar and he is ADHD.

We also try very hard no to compartmentalize ourselves against each other. Things are not good or bad, there are decisions and consequences. Things are not a lose/win, we are each entitled to how we think and our opinions, if you have a different opinion than mine on how things should be done, that's okay, let's find a win/win solution.

And I have been married twice before to Normal Men and there are deal breakers even with non ADHD men.

If you decide to leave your relationship because you can't handle it anymore, then let it be about you and what your own boundaries are. There are no guarantees in love, even with a normal man of your dreams.

My question to the EXPERTS here.... is there a large percentage of ADHD's that are in emotionally abusive relationships?

Thanks for your observation

Submitted by EinsteinHadItToo on Mon, 05/24/2010 - 02:09

Hi Luner,

As a newly diagnosed ADD adult, which came at me from left field as i hadn't even considered the possibility, I am now trying to find peace within myself to go out there tomorrow and make the medical appts. and start on the road to stability.

I've had clinical depression and anxiety since childhood and have sought out and found treatment that has helped me manage this as best I could for the past 8 years. In addition to reading as many books as i could on the subject, joining support groups, group therapy and online info gathering, I've seen 7 different counsellors, two psychiatrists, 3 GPs and now a therapist who has diagnosed me with ADD, I have to say that it's been a rough road in just trying to find the right help, never mind effective treatment expected to restore my mental health to functionality. And now this new thing.

Four years ago I married for the first time, he for the second. We found each other later in life--I was 48, he 51. Our relationship has just barely limped to our 4th anniversary, and we've been in and out of marriage counselling. He and I have been advised to divorce more than once because our differences seem to be insurmountable. The problems started soon after I moved in to his house. He, being a fireman, and previously married with kids now grown, had expectations of the way things should be in a household. Me having been single and living alone, with roommates, or in Christian community, had other expectations.

His fear before we said I do, was whether or not I could keep the house by his rules/standards. I had a problem with that believing he was making so much more out of that than i had experienced in other living arrangements. Everyone expects to live in a tidy, clean environment, me included. But I soon learned that it had to be done only his way--my way was wrong, his right. In his eyes I did the dishes wrong, cleaned the floors wrong, closed the fridge door wrong, made coffee wrong etc etc. He started leaving me post its with orders on doing it "right". This irritated and hurt me because it put us in an unequal relationship--he the parent, me the child. That is fatal for any adult relationship. It caused me to shut down and only deepened my already heightened sense of failure. I expected marital bliss and mutual respect and instead I got Hitler.

Granted, I am not the greatest housekeeper, but I get more than the basics done and am organized enough to cook, serve, and clean up after some great meals. And I am lucky that my husband likes to cook and clean so I'm not stuck with it all the time. But I do have my piles of things that have no home and I keep these things "organized" outside of the main living areas. The depression was always hanging over me and us, especially my upside down sleeping patterns. this has become a huge issue for him. it bothers me too, and it's incredibly frustrating that I can't seem to get a grip on it.

Over the years, he has been documenting any behaviours he perceives as abnormal keeping a special secret file on me. Besides my perceived infractions of doing things "wrong", he has a list of isolated incidents that he frequently brings out during fights as evidence that there's something wrong with me. But the things he brings up seem silly (once before we were married I almost bumped into something in a pottery shop, so this makes me a klutz), or are stories of my life I've confided in him only to have him distort them to suit his point of view. I feel betrayed by this. When I express`as much, he tells me I'm just being argumentative and even suggests I'm lying...I could go on. He rages at me when I try to discuss things, and his swearing, intensity and angry outbursts scare me.

But it is true that I struggle with many of the typical issues: procrastination, not finishing what I start, and instinctive resistence to the routine and mundane things of life, some poor impulses with spending (my savings from before we were married), hyper multi tasking, then being overwhelmed by them. (Yet with these life-long tendencies, I somehow made it to grad school as an honours student. Go figure.) I am aware of my shortcomings and want help if it's there. Yet I am profoundly guilt-ridden and my self esteem has been further trampled down in this marriage.

So yes, I believe I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. And I am predisposed to failing if I do have ADD. I suspect he has some symptoms of the same disorder, but I doubt he would ever consider that and look for help for his own issues. So I have to get help for myself.

I think you have it right about having a successful marriage with or without mental disorders: mutual respect, love that forgives your partner's weaknesses and encourages his strengths, and accountability to one another. That's what being in it together means to me. This is what I'd hoped for in a life partner, but it takes maturity and it sounds like you have it going on despite some serious challenges. God bless you and your hubby and more power to you. If marital love can transcend the idiosyncracies of one another and find a way, it is a love from God.

EHItToo

Submitted by Debbihelp on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 11:19

I am sorry that you feel your relationship is not going as you planned! :(

You seem like a sweet woman and that you really do want things to be different. I pray God leads you to the treatment options that are best suited to you and that you are able to do so without loosing your marriage. I pray that you BOTH give taking care of yourselves' and your relationship 100% and also that you live in TRUTH and honesty.

People are different and there is always more to the story (and different vantage points), so I pray you guys at least understand each other enough for you BOTH to get fulfillment out of the relationship.

I wanted to comment on something you wrote : His fear before we said I do, was whether or not I could keep the house by his rules/standards. I had a problem with that believing he was making so much more out of that than i had experienced in other living arrangements. Everyone expects to live in a tidy, clean environment, me included. But I soon learned that it had to be done only his way--my way was wrong, his right. In his eyes I did the dishes wrong, cleaned the floors wrong, closed the fridge door wrong, made coffee wrong etc etc. He started leaving me post its with orders on doing it "right". This irritated and hurt me because it put us in an unequal relationship--he the parent, me the child. That is fatal for any adult relationship. It caused me to shut down and only deepened my already heightened sense of failure. I expected marital bliss and mutual respect and instead I got Hitler.

I do pray you really don't feel like you've married HITLER... Ouch! :( - I do want to ask though if you have considered what he feel is 'wrong' a matter of control or trust? In other words, do you think that he feels he can't TRUST that you will wash dishes correctly (making sure they are FULLY clean, non greasy ect) or mop the floor (where this is no sticky spots left and/or the WHOLE floor is cleaned) or that he is just a controlling man?

Have you gone through similar situations with other housemates? (Who challenged what you consider clean)

Living with an ADD spouse/partner can be tough. From experience I can tell you that the non ADD (or LESS ADD) spouse DOES want the same thing you want. Mutual love/Mutual respect and to feel like they are in a partnership.

However, when things have been communicated several times in different ways the other person may feel literally helpless as to how to get to a middle ground. In addition they may resent you (the same resentment you feel) that they have to keep checking behind you to make sure things are done.

For instance, what if company is coming over? Or 10 times in a row they've asked you to do something and it still didn't get done? It puts everyone in a funk. Most people to maintain some type of normalcy will try to take control. Not to treat you as a child but because they actually feel like they LIVE with a child. :( Not meant to hurt but maybe this can help you guys as you go to treatment and try to work out your marriage.

You said: But it is true that I struggle with many of the typical issues: procrastination, not finishing what I start, and instinctive resistance to the routine and mundane things of life, some poor impulses with spending (my savings from before we were married), hyper multi tasking, then being overwhelmed by them. (Yet with these life-long tendencies, I somehow made it to grad school as an honors student. Go figure.) I am aware of my shortcomings and want help if it's there. Yet I am profoundly guilt-ridden and my self esteem has been further trampled down in this marriage.

* While I agree these are typical issues, sometimes the ADD partner doesn't want to acknowledge the SEVERITY of the issues they face... For instance is your procrastination affecting your work? His work? Outings together? Family planning? Will your poor impulses affect things like retirement? When you can retire? If you multitask and then feel overwhelmed does he feel that he has to take over for you? All these things can affect your marriage negatively. Not because your husband is trying to berate you but because he is fed up and doesn't know what to do!

In addition it is sometime's hard for ADD partners to accept the full impact of truth. Not because they are liars but because to face all of this is HARD and sometimes makes them (internally) feel like failures. So if you've shared stories from the past, perhaps, he isn't trying to throw them in your face but show you patterns of behavior that your refuse to acknowledge? (My fiance does this!) To keep from feeling that avoidance behavior is practiced. It's like 'things aren't THAT bad'... I didn't make "that big" an error but what that sometimes does is make the other partner feel that you are either in denial or living in a fantasy world. That too can complicate things.

ADD people are often VERY smart! So it is wonderful you've finished your graduate degree! I don't think your intelligence is being challenged.

I can tell you are a believer. So am I! I just ask you take some time and ask God to show you the truth! To not allow your diagnosis to define you but to have courage to face where you are... how ADD affects/has affected your life and PRACTICAL TANGIBLE ways for change to be SEEN!!! If it's a combination of prayer, diet/exercise and therapy so be it! Life in it's reality throws funky things at us! We can trust God to heal but sometimes we've also got to just be realistic and honest and work hard too. (not saying you aren't!)

Believe me! When your spouse sees TANGIBLE change he will loosen the reigns a little... He also will be more willing to believe he can trust you and may be more willing to help you stay the course of therapy and also go to counseling for your marriage!

I pray it works out! God bless!

EinsteinHadItToo

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 22:31

Thanks for this!

I'm the non-ADDer and it's really nice to hear how the other side feels.

I love how you speak so honestly, from the heart. I always wonder, after I've had a raging fit over something my ADD partner did or didn't do, what he was feeling inside about the whole thing. He might retort with a comment that I'm crazy and always want things 'my way', etc... but he never really expresses the feelings you've expressed here... and I've often wondered if he's felt them.

I wonder if my partner feels emotionally abused by me... I wouldn't doubt it. :(

I wonder if he feels I add to his feeling of failure.... I wouldn't doubt it. :(

I wonder if he feels I'm just like everyone else and don't ever see the world as he does.... I wouldn't doubt that either... :(

I try so hard to see it from his side but it never really makes much sense to me. I try so hard to place myself in his shoes but it's as if my brain wont let me! I can't understand how he can procrastinate SO severely, or not keep track of time, or walk right by messes, etc. because I'm SO hyper-sensitive to those things! I wouldn't know what it would be like to not be so aware of those things... :/

I wish more people with ADD would come on here and express their side as clearly as you have. Maybe then I can start to understand just what's going on inside of him which is more important to me than all the little quirks and irritability on the outside, really!

I need an ADD translator! lol I guess that's what our therapist is... heh.

translator

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Sun, 11/14/2010 - 00:46

That would be the PERFECT job! Well whenever you need some translation, let me know.

I totally will come to you

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sun, 11/14/2010 - 03:19

I totally will come to you for your input....

Just try and stick around long enough... ok?

;)

haha

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Sun, 11/14/2010 - 10:25

Deal.

A Lunar Life

Submitted by Debbihelp on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 10:39

I understand where you are coming from. However I would like to offer a different perspective.

You seem to have been in your relationship with your ADD partner a short amount of time. (In comparison to his ex-wife). Am I correct?

What your observation may NOT be taking into perspective is the amount of time and effort the "complainer" has put into the relationship before getting to a point of complaining. There is a dilemma. You love your partner/spouse and want things to work out. You realize they are nice/kind/supportive on many levels but their ability to manage life well has now affected you in a VERY unhealthy way. Perhaps that spouse has lost a job? Or been affected by the ADD partner loosing a job? Perhaps the non ADD spouse has lost friends, opportunities or had to put off goals because though in a relationship there wasn't a partnership? Perhaps the ADD spouse lives in denial and either won't stay on medication or refuses (so they can cope) to believe things are as bad as they are?

Have you ever considered she got to the role of 'controller' because she found (AFTER YEARS OF TRYING) that she could not trust her husband to get things done/keep things in order?

I do NOT condone emotional abuse!!! However I know that after a lot of time has been put into something, when people can no longer cope, they resort to nominal ways of handling. Who is to say before that 18 YEAR period ended your partner's ex-wife didn't start off exactly how you did? Who is to say they didn't try therapy... or that she tried to understand and deal and in the end was just so FRUSTRATED she stooped that low?

It is my experience that men almost ALWAYS can find another woman willing do 'deal' with their nonsense with the ex-wife/girlfriend being vilified with the new girl (or wife) saying or thinking "if you knew how to treat him, he would still be with you"...

Another thing is that after people mess up enough relationships (for most) something snaps! They don't want to repeat the same pattern again. You guys are have an advantage because you've made your share of mistakes and now know what you can deal with and WON'T deal with and know how to handle a situation in a way you may not have handled it in a previous relationship.

Perhaps your 'observation' is some of the partners/spouses on here but I would ask you hold out judgement until you've been in a relationship 18 years with this man. Your view/opinion just MIGHT change! I pray things work out for you guys and wish you the MOST happiness but please understand it takes most people a LOT to get to the point you described.

I know exactly how you feel...

Submitted by Evangeline on Thu, 06/03/2010 - 23:47

I am a non ADHDer married to an ADHDer for 11 years now. I've known "something wasn't right" for a long time, but not until my 8 year old daughter was diagnosed along with ODD did I come to realize what was really going on with my husband. I, too, am completely emotionally and physically drained. I took my wedding vows very seriously. However, "for better, or for worse....in sickness and in health...." I really had no idea I would be up against this the rest of my married life. My husband refuses meds or therapy. Our marriage is a continual rollercoaster affected moment to moment by anger, anxiety, depression, paranoia. (he is not abusive) His challenges have become worse over the past 5 years of so...I say this in the most humble way; deep deep down my thoughts say, "you just turned 40...you have so much to offer...you have so much time left to have a life to share with someone who truly is able to love, honor and cherish. Someone who will take care of you. Who will be a partner...I feel all alone...I am all alone...My mind and heart say RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can... But my girls love him in spite of it all. Visitation would be devastating for my 8 year old ADHDer. She is so emotionally fragile as it is. So I feel that I must stay. I must continue to negotiate and adapt to maintain as stable a home-environment as I can. I am so thankful to have found this site. Others have similar challenges. Someone else understands...Thank you to all of you out there sharing your personal experiences. It means so much to me...

Wow, A Lot of Pain Here

Submitted by Nettie on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 07:04

I've read the disclaimer on the homepage of this site warning that people who are happy in their relationship rarely post here, but I hope we can use the forum as a positive tool and not for vicious venting.

Here's a little of what I read on this thread, comparing two posts:

He wrote: "Helped her through so much for what? to get called a hitler on line ?" and then he used online the term "Hitler" five more times. She used the term once.

He wrote: "I stay because I still love her and want to see her well. Yeap, even after reading what she writes about me, telling you and my friends how I am the one who caused her the pains."

She actually wrote: "But it is true that I struggle with many of the typical issues: procrastination, not finishing what I start, and instinctive resistence to the routine and mundane things of life, some poor impulses with spending (my savings from before we were married), hyper multi tasking, then being overwhelmed by them."

She wrote: "Over the years, he has been documenting any behaviours he perceives as abnormal keeping a special secret file on me."

He wrote: In fact I will copy and email her post to Angeline. She is our Psychologist who diagnosed my wife with ADHD..."

He wrote: "It is time to face facts and stop telling others false information A."

She wrote: "I feel betrayed by this. When I express`as much, he tells me I'm just being argumentative and even suggests I'm lying."

Please note that there is the opportunity for annonymity on this forum, so I encourage people in pain to protect themselves by not revealing identifying information, such as a spouse's specific profession, within their posts. There is a lot of pain coming from both of these forum members, and I encourage them both to step back from the middle of the ring and read more of the forum posts concerning communication.

"Broken," we only break when we remain inflexible (think of a bridge) and stop ourselves by allowing fear to freeze us. You are not yet "broken," and you have the strength to get the training and skills you need. Keep at it.

Renoir911, I know as a firefighter you are probably physically fit. Please use that energy to organize those insights you've expressed here, and let's team up with other forum members to strengthen your efforts.

Renoir911, I understand where both of you are coming from

Submitted by Sueann on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 09:07

Like you, I married an undiagnosed ADDer in my 50s. He is 8 years younger than me but he acts so much less mature than me it feels like he's a different generation. I had been married before and had grown children (one with ADD). I married a man with a job working for a major bank, expecting to be taken care of financially in exchange for giving up alimony and future Social Security from my first husband. (I work. At that time I had 2 jobs, but no pension or insuance.) He lost that job 6 weeks later and did not work again regularly for nearly 3 years. So I understand the feeling of being blindsided. It was me who diagnosed his ADD and depression the first time, and made sure he got help. I had to threaten to leave him to get him to do it. Apparently, it feels so normal to them that they don't understand that there is a problem.

Like you, I was furious. How could he drive me work and pick me up, know how hard I work and not feel obliged to even do the dishes and laundry?? I still question whether he loves me, even after he's worked for 2 1/2 years, because he put me through that.

But I see your wife's point too. It's hard and boring to do housework, to put everything away. And I think you probably do expect more housework and of a higher quality than she expected to do. I'm imagining that she expected to be treated like you treated your "girlfriend" instead of the "housewife" you expect her to act like now. I'm sure you ironed your own shirts before you were married, so she probably didn't expect to take over that duty when you married.

Sleep pattern disturbances are a common problem with ADDers. My ADD daughter stays up all night and sleeps all day of preference, and it is hard for her to change. (This pattern exists in many other members of my family, but not me.) Sleep cycles are biologically determined, your wife can't help it. She isn't lazy. (If she sleeps all day after actually sleeping all night, that's a different problem, probably caused by her depression.)

You feel stuck, that you are going to have to support her for the rest of your life. I understand that but I also understand her desire to not work. Society is not kind to older women, and it's hard to for a woman over 50 to look for a job. In my former job in market research, I talked to many people my age who were retired, and I envied tham. She may indeed have felt you were her way out of having to work. (What was she doing for money before you?)

I agree with Nettie, there is much to be learned on this forum for both of you. I feel your pain, both of you It's a wonder my computer hasn't melted from the heat. But this isn't a good way to communicate. Please find a counselor she can work with. Do not be surprised if they don't want to work with you at first. My husband's counselors did not think we should work on the marriage until he had been in treatment for at least a year. I was just supposed to suck it up.

I've come to terms with most of it. I am still resentful that he doesn't make a decent living and I can't get medical care, etc. But I went back to school and will be looking to start a new career at 57. I expect to have to work until I am 76 in order to get full Social Security. But we still love each other, and are still together.

I understand both sides.

Submitted by robinshusband on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 10:07

I shouldn't be posting or commenting because of various reasons with how I've hurt my wife over the last week but I feel compelled to express my thoughts.

I'm the ADHD one and did not know if for 20 years, I only learned of it in when my wife sent me to this forum two weeks ago. It was a week after we separated. I don't know what advice I can give you or even if I can give you hope.

I've made my wife feel just as you feel, I could not or refused to see it for 20 years. Sadly it has taken her putting me out of the relationship and her running out of energy to try and fix it. Somehow I hope your wife can open her eyes and see what she is doing to you before it is too late, more importantly I hope she can see what she is doing to herself and get help. For me I want nothing more then to repair the damage and make things right, but I had to admit that it took us getting to a place where we may not be able to return from. I've started therapy and now we are looking at other mood issues that may also be present in my behavior. The ADHD has an amazing ability to cloud the judgement, I've done so much damage to numerous people in my life. The thing is, as much as it kills me to realize the damage I've done when for years I thought it was someone else's fault. I'm starting to get in a better place slowly because I do get it.

The only thing I can say is somehow you have got to get her to see everything clearly, for me the trigger was losing my family and it has worked. I'm in no way advocating that same process but maybe someone else can offer assistance on how she can, as my wife says "get it."

Good luck and I hope you both can work through this.

to renoir911

Submitted by robinshusband on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 13:26

I really don't want to get into multiple comments and such on here. Only because it would not be fair for my wife who also needs this place for her on processes.

I will be happy to discuss this offline only because the talking actually helps me face the reality of the situation. I'm going to provide you an old email address that I'm not worried if someone else gets it or it is all over the internet.

recommendation

Submitted by admin on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 14:50

I did forward the email address to you. I do suggest that as the non-ADHD spouse, you start with "Melissa's Favorite Posts" to give you some perspective of the positive possibilities and immediate actions to take. Then, you can intersperse reading the other blog posts in the categories most applicable to your situation with the posts on the forum. The blog posts are meant to provide some hope and direction. Many posts in the forum do that as well, but many forum posts identify issues common to ADHD relations, and are understandably laced with anger and frustration. The reason I suggest interspercing those is that they will provide some perspective - that others are having many of the exact same issues as you, and that these are a direct result of the ADHD effect. The good news is that these issues are not caused by inherent and intrinsic character flaws of your spouse, but by the ADHD that is causing her to act in the ways she does. And ADHD is treatable and manageable. Marriages can thrive and both partners can be joyful in the relationship, if the ADHD is understood (by both sides) and effectively treated.

I like your honesty

Submitted by SusiQJ on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 15:05

It's unfortunate that a lot of people with ADHD do not get it until it's too late. I hope that you make great strides in understanding yourself and repairing your relationship. Maybe down the line you can help others with ADHD (too bad you couldn't start with mine). Best of luck to you.

thrsaleigh's original post

Submitted by hockeymom11 on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 17:48

the reason I stayed is for financial reasons. My ADHD husband bankrupted us and I'm desperately trying to save money so he can move out. He refuses counsel, meds or admitting he even has a problem (I'm the one with the "mental problem" and I need meds according to him). I've tried giving him doctor's names, websites, things printed from this site, books etc to no avail.

My biggest fear right now is my 11 year old son has severe ADHD and oppositional defiant behavior and I do not want a women to feel towards my son the way I feel towards my husband. My life right now has to be my children and teaching my ADHD son how to function in a more productive way. I want him to have a chance, a life, a family, a wife and a happy marriage. I would hate to see him in my situation (14 years of unhappiness, loneliness, despair).

I no longer have the time or energy (mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually) to deal with a man who won't take responsibility. Why should I have to change EVERYTHING about my life, my response, my way of dealing with things, my way of communicating just so HE can function? I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm getting help, I'm reading everything I can, my son has gotten treatment and I'm trying desperately to keep my cool at home with the current situation.

I will NO LONGER be a doormat, a wife who has to "put up" with her ADHD husband. I wish he would get help, I hope he gets help. I know he can be a better functioning individual with help and meds, but I can't make him change and I'm done trying to convince him to seek therapy.

It's about my kids and myself. I know that may sound utterly selfish, especially to any ADDr reading this, but I'm tired, just tired and I can't take any more.

Addressing work

Submitted by EinsteinHadItToo on Fri, 06/04/2010 - 21:08

I won't be participating in the bickering and wished I could just ignore this whole thread--but that impulse control thing, you know...felt I needed to add something here on my own behalf. Sueann, you asked

"You feel stuck, that you are going to have to support her for the rest of your life. I understand that but I also understand her desire to not work. Society is not kind to older women, and it's hard to for a woman over 50 to look for a job. In my former job in market research, I talked to many people my age who were retired, and I envied tham. She may indeed have felt you were her way out of having to work. (What was she doing for money before you?)"

I was gainfully employed with benefits prior to marrying, and saving for retirement. I ended up on stress leave and was on disability from work for the first year of our marriage. I paid my own expenses including medical bills. I've since had 2 back surgeries, the last one leaving me with permanent spinal cord injury with partial paralysis, and I was declared legally disabled. I was laid off from my job, and lived off of my severance pay until the end of last year. I had not touched a penny of his money until this past Jan. when we agreed that I'd become his "dependant" for tax purposes. He was able to claim all of my deductions and received a hefty tax return this year. I pulled my retirement savings to add to the downpayment for our house. Now I have nothing.

Just wanted to set that straight. I will not be posting here beyond this. Thank you.

I Am Not Staying Anymore

Submitted by Surya on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 22:54

He ( ADHD) and I have been seeing each other for 4 months now. It's a long distance relationship, the only good thing is that we work for the same offshore company. So at work is when I get to hear from him ( not much though) than off work. We've been out say, 4 times. He went back home to his country for a holiday and will be back to work on Tuesday. Its offshore , so he works on a rig at sea. I'll have to communicate with him on and off as part of my work. For the month that he left I had no call,e-mail , SMS , nothing. I want to put it down as ADHD but , how do I know if it is just that he has lost interest in me ? He has an online business , and if I visit his website, I can see that he has been engaging in online transactions. If you can do that , if you do have internet access, why can't you call, or send me an e-mail atleast to let me know you're back home safely ? I'm not that important to you ? Trust me ,I've tried calling him a couple of times after sending him some e-mails. No response. I don't know if he was engrossed with his business and kids ( he's divorced) as he's not seen them for a long time , or he's ignoring me , and I'm supposed to take the hint. I don't need this man , if he can't tell me to my face , that there's a problem. He has mentioned that he has ADHD briefly, but we've never had a proper discussion about it. All our conversations were either about my hang-ups on pre-maritial sex or how we're to get married and move to his country and all that.

What I don't understand is that till the day he left, we were talking on the phone, and he said he would call. So am I to console myself that its ADHD or just forget him ? We could atleast be friends , but how do you be friends with someone like that ? If I keep calling him, or sending him e-mails, would it not mean I'm desperate ? Just because I like him ? NO WAY !!!!

go now

Submitted by hockeymom11 on Sun, 09/05/2010 - 07:50

go now, in the beginning ADHD people are hyper focused, mine was romantic, spontaneous, happy, catered to my every whim, surprised me, planned outings etc. I thought "this guys is amazing" and we planned to spend the rest of our lives together. once we were married the hyperfocus wore off in a BIG BIG way and now I spend my nights alone while he plays video games and sleeps a lot during the day.

Like I said, I'm done. It's got to be about my kids. He was gone last night at 5pm for a party at 7pm, well it's 8am and he still isn't home yet.

enough said.

Thoughts on "go now"

Submitted by carolina on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 19:33

hockeymom11--

Your posting made me think of an explanation I once read someone give for staying in a relationship long past its due-date. When asked why she stayed, the woman said, "We had a great past." Like you, my relationship with my ADHD partner started off WONDERFULLY. It has since become characterized by too much bickering and way too much time apart. I wonder if we'll ever get back to the way we used to be. It would take alot of work!

A good thing, though, is how much this kind of relationship can teach you about yourself and what you want for your life.

Best wishes to all involved in these relationships--the ADHDers and their partners!

Why do I stay? Is it co-dependency?

Submitted by rosen000 on Sun, 09/05/2010 - 08:29

I've been married to an ADHDer for almost 25 yrs. He was diagnosed 3 yrs ago when he lost job #7. All he would agree to was taking Strattera (which he wouldn't take the recommended dose because he didn't like the way it feels). Well now he has lost job #8 because of dishonesty and all he can tell as far as why is he couldn't help himself--it was his compulsiveness. I was ready to throw him out the day I found out since I had been questioning him on what he was doing at work and he kept telling me don't worry he knew not to jeopardize his job--so I see that as complete disrespect for me and that we have absolutely no trust in our marriage.

We have 3 children, I work but don't make enough to support my kids and don't know what to do? As I look at all the ADHD blogs, websites, etc. I don't think this will get better. My husband has changed to Wellbutrin, is seeing a psychologist and a life coach (all of which his wealthy parents are paying for) and which he reminds me we would have nothing without them (as though I don't know that). This is always the trend with him that he loses a job, becomes humble and depressed, then gets a job and then the loud-mouth, arrogant, mean man returns. This cycle nevers ends--tolerable existance for 2-3 years then chaos.

I feel I'm no better of an example for my kids--I'm the doormat. I always did everything--pay the bills, do all the work at home try to keep his family life calm thinking he would remain calm, but he doesn't. I'm so scared this time because I'm turning 50 and I want off this merry-go-round, but I don't know what to do? Should I stick by him hope this time is different? Like I've told friends, how do you just stop loving someone--I want to because he has used up all the trust I have in him? I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth? but I'm scared for the alternative since this is all I've known for 25 years?

Lost, confused and stuck.

Repost: Why I stay

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 10:26

I thought it reasonable to repost in a more active string:

I asked myself this very question a thousand times as I realized just how much of my husband's behavior was affected by ADD. Granted my life is not as hard as some that I've read here, but it sure isn't easy either. I waffle between being empathetic to a the difference in brain processes, and just plain mad that things can't be different. I'm not expecting too much, I say to myself.

In no particular order of importance,

I stay because I take marriage vows seriously. A person is not to be throw away when they no longer make you happy. We both come from unbroken homes and rest on the foundation that forever is possible.

I stay because if he suddenly got a bonk on the head and started acting weirdly or differently, I would not just kick him to the curb and say, oops, you're broken now. Guess I'll get a new one. Consider if your spouse became a parapellegic as a result of an auto accident. Would you leave? ADDer's blend in with the rest of us pretty well, so it makes it hard to find that compassion for what their brains are subjecting them to (and us).

I stay because we were able to make it work for most of our two decades together, pretty happily I have to say. Due to a number of circumstances this last year, I think I just got tired of being the solid one and the one who had to figure out the work arounds to his behavior. Happiness has to possible; it was there before. I don't think we are too far gone.

I stay because I really am capable of being his support person, even though I sometimes hate that he will never be able to reciprocate. Every ADDer needs a capable person to help them get through life, much like any other person who doesn't function well in our society.

I stay because there is still a man there who loves me but is not currently capable of loving me the way I need. I can try to help him do that, so long as I am willing to accept the death of the dream I thought my marriage would be. And that is hard. It's hard to get past being caretaker, banker, decision maker, provider of food and a menu, until death do us part. Love doesn't conquer all, but it's worth fighting for. I do not wish to toss it aside too flippantly.

And finally, I stay because we all come to relationships with our own disfunctions. We are all children of parents who didn't always get it right and affected our lives forever. ADD happens to have a name. Even better it has some possible solutions that someone figured out for me. All I have to do is have the courage to apply them for my specific situation. A new person in my life means I have to start all over again, figuring out their disfunctions, how to cope and help them cope.

Having said that, I also believe there is a time to part. When the marriage is a health risk for you, whether you are having detrimental health (emotionally or physically) or being directly abused--it's time to go! Even if it's temporary until your situation stabilizes. Your safety is paramount, especially if you have children in the picture.

Here's to Hope.

values

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 16:23

Great post; not many people have those kinds of values these days. They say they do, but in practice it seems that many regard their relationships as disposable as soon as it gets tough. And it's a very rare non-adhder who looks honestly at their own contributions to the difficulties in their relationship, when it's so easy to pin all behaviors that don't please them on adhd.

Why do I stay?

Submitted by sylvia on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 11:58

I know that this is a very personal decision that must be made by each of us for our own reasons. But me? I stay because there is FAR more good than bad in my marriage. I adore my ADD husband. I do not adore all of the ADD behaviors, but I believe we can work on those. My husband is almost 38 years old. He is who he is now because of the experiences of his life. His ADD and the coping mechanisms he found along the way have resulted in him being wildly successful at his job. (He is a Senior Tier 3 Systems Engineer for a major company.) I think that the reason he is so good at working with computers is due to his ADD. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was his quirkiness. LOL. He is a very loving, caring guy most of the time. He has put up with the absolute insanity that is my life and family. (While we were engaged, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer and moved in with us.) He has been my rock. My support system. My best friend. My confidant. My HUSBAND.

In short.... I stay because I adore my husband. The ADD? eh..... we are working on the negative aspects of it.

beautiful

Submitted by fuzzylogic72 on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 16:28

That was SUCH a beautiful post. I'm 38 myself, and have worked so hard on minimizing the negative impact of my adhd on my relatiosnhips. The hope that there might be someone out there who accepts and appreciates me despite my 'quirks' is what keeps me working on myself when sometimes it seems futile. Thanks for sharing some positive.

Why I Stayed...Why I Left

Submitted by Divorcing ADHD on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 03:40

I stayed in my marriage initially because I loved my husband and no one could make me laugh more than him. I stayed because I had made a commitment and I thought anything could be worked out other than cheating or abuse. And then we had kids and I basically raised them by myself. Despite the fact that I did it alone, I stayed because I didn't want my kids growing up like I had, shuffled between two houses. Eleven years later I am financially ruined, emotionally wrung-out, I've suffered multiple health issues I know are related to stress... I've been the disciplinarian, the "bad-guy", the boring one, the "emotional catastrophe", the cook, the maid, the gardener, the plumber and the mother to everyone..... When I caught him emailing women online trying to start another affair I finally felt I had the right to leave. I stayed for so long because of the kids, and now I feel I need to leave for the same reason; I don't want my kids growing up thinking this is what a marriage is all about.

I am staying currently

Submitted by queenmom on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 08:13

I am staying currently because I have no other place to go. I don't really have a high earning potential, I have three kids under 5 that would cost me double in daycare that I could make month. I don't currently work because of this, and I can't work opposing schedules with my DH because he has narcolepsy as well as ADD.

I'd love to leave though, and be free of being a naggy wife and having to worry about him having everything he needs and and being the only one concerned with the state of my house. That way, if it's trashed in here, I can be only mad at myself. Or, if I can't leave the house to shop on my own time, or even have a couple hour to be out with girlfriends, it's because I'm a single mom. NOT because my husband will not take the initiative to get help for his problems and will ignore them and sleep.

Can you tell I'm bitter? I'm working on that.

I don't know what state you

Submitted by SherriW13 on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 13:45

I don't know what state you live in, but you could probably get some assistance paying for your daycare if you were a single mom of 3. If that is all that is limiting your freedom to demand he do better or get out, there are other options. Not to mention he'll be forced to work and pay child support or face going to jail.

yeahh......

Submitted by queenmom on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 14:59

Been there. The county I live in is in deep crap for messing up their programs and got taken over by the state and is so hard to deal with right now. I was utilizing this program and they cut me without notice for supposedly not turning in a form (that I actually had sent certified mail) and I ended up owing 3 months of payments to my daycare. It was hell. Sometimes I would have insurance, sometimes I would, I owe thousands to my kids' doctor, etc. I'm rambling, sorry. I know I could get these programs, I have had to rely on them off and on, depending on his employment status over the past years. I left him previously, and lived on these programs alone with my income and when he did make an effort we reconciled and now he's even worse than before. So if I have left, filed for divorce once... and that couldn't spur a longtime change or even some real effort on his part, I don't know what could light a fire under his butt. I'm sorry if I seem negative, but I am feeling so dang hopeless here.

but really

Submitted by queenmom on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 15:00

I'd actually prefer my marriage to work, if it didnt seem like that from my other posts. I just don't know what is going to work to get it to. I searched for experts in our area last night and set up a consultation with one. Hopefully my DH goes.

thrsaleigh

Submitted by ebb and flow on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 22:46

.... I don't know why I stay. :(

I ask myself that every single day.

I love him but I HATE our relationship SOOO much! :( It's NOT AT ALL what I imagined or dreamt my life would be! As a matter of fact, its everything I promised myself I would never do, say, be or live with! I've crossed and gone beyond my own personal boundaries in this relationship---several times over!

I actually let myself down regularly with my actions in this relationship and it eats me alive!

I feel so trapped because... well...

how do you leave someone you love even though you know the relationship they offer is NOT AT ALL what you want? :(((

Especially when they're dying to give you what you want because they want that happy "normal" life too... (but can't)

or, so they say...

Heh. What a nightmare!

(I hope you weren't looking for positive replies... sorry if you were) :/

better times for ebb and flow

Submitted by Hermie40 (not verified) on Sun, 11/14/2010 - 00:33

I am moved by your grief. Why do you stay, you lament. It's called not giving up. I think I know where you are at; the man who was supposed to have been my hero probably has ADHD. But I see it this way (now): I'm a broken, a flawed person in my ways; he's broken in different ways. Sure, my marriage is not what I thought it would be. I'm pretty sure I'm not the same person he married either (I say thank goodness I'm not!) My dream of what I thought my marriage would be is shattered. The dream is dead. There is/was anger; there is/was resentment; there is/was grief for what could have been. But take heart--you are actually in charge of what you decide to do next despite these emotions. You get to decide whether you can be happy without that dream.

I'm fully able bodied, but I liken it to overcoming being suddenly wheelchair bound. You can chose to let the injury/condition defeat you and leave you bitter, depressed, even victimized. Or you can grieve for a while and then decide that life can be happy anyway. It seems insurmountable, and indeed it is unchangeable, but there is life. It can be a happy life, for those who choose to let grief run it's course and move forward, instead of allowing themselves to be stuck. "Hang in there" sounds SO lame, but if you have it in you to endure the grief you are experiencing now, there can me good times to come. The moment when you are more tired of crying than of trying to fix things is coming. I know that doesn't sound too encouraging; I mean it to be. But I think there is great beauty that can be forged from great pain. There is a day coming when you have wiped your last tear and begin to really live again. It doesn't have to be without him. But I'm telling you, life doesn't have to be miserable either.

I wish I could hug you.

I agree with Hermie--I am

Submitted by Divorcing ADHD on Mon, 11/15/2010 - 03:44

I agree with Hermie--I am moved by your grief :( I shouldn't even be in this thread, because I chose NOT to stay. But I understand where you are-- "this is not what I signed up for!"

I too lost my 'dream'. Thought anything could be overcome (when I first got married at the 'wise' ole age of 27).

I too let myself down regularly with my actions in my relationship; put up with things I said I would walk out on in an instant (took many, many years to do that.... lost a lot of pride along the way).

I tried for a long time..... maybe trying to hold on to my 'fairy tale'.

Now I'm living a new fairy tale, and he's just not the main character anymore. I am.

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