I have been pondering this question someone posted to me on this site. I don't know the answer. I know I am paralyzingly scared and that I have always been someone who accomodates people trying to play on a team. But what do people do to garner enough fortitude to make the necessary changes and withstand the war of the roses that will affect our own children and grandchildren. How do people know what to do?
We here have crossed a line this weekend. I was afraid of Dh. I got out of the house and rode around for four hours so that he could cool off and so that I could settle down. His rant was irrational to me and his tone and stance were threatening - he didn't say any threats of what he might do to me. I realized that I had nowhere to go and no one to go to. I had decided during that time I must get him, us or me some help.
All these years I had been taming the beast by compromising myself. But I am not physically or emotionally able to tolerate what I tolerated when I was younger and I am probably poking at the beast in him by saying what is on my mind and not holding back like I used to. He is reacting like a 3-year-old who is now expected to be grown up. He is defending his turf of entitlement and I am fighting back. I am not taking his words personally any more. Over the years, I would tell him my boundaries (many times in writing) but they have had no effect. Any actions on my part as consequence were ignored. He denies, distracts and soothes himself. He does not care if I am sad, or mad or if he hurts anyone emotionally.
Here are my questions. I need to put into effect Plan B. I need some counseling or coaching. Who do I call? A LSW, Therapist, Divorce coach, Attorney? How do I decide who can walk through this with me? I think we need to separate. How do I leave him alone in the big house where he is a hoarder when the house needs to be sold? Who can help me through this? Should I move out? Should I change the locks? How can we sell the house without his cooperation? Shall I close our bank accounts and open new ones under my own name? I don't have relative or friend who I would impose upon for help with this work I need to do. I have read that a marriage in this situation should have an intermediary. How do you find someone? Can I do this alone?
Feel the fear and do it anyway
Submitted by lulu18 on
If you are afraid for your safety, go directly to the nearest shelter for battered women-there usually is a number listed in the yellow pages, or go to your nearest police station station- they should help you get to a safe place temporarily. Having worked at a battered women's shelter years ago, we used to help women go to court for an order of protection and get to an attorney , who will answer all your questions about the legal and correct way to do things . You would be surprised how many people have been through the same thing and are ready and willing to help. There will always be fear- that is human nature, but it does not have to paralyze you. Just take one step at a time. Your safety must always come first- don't stay in a situation where you feel threatened. No one deserves to live in fear. Be good to yourself . Put your needs first- that is something most of us need to learn to do. Dare to care about yourself. It is never too late to have a happy life.
Just....can't.....move.
Submitted by jennalemon on
Thank you lulu. I don't know why I am so scared. In business and with friends outside the family, I am able to hold my ground clearly and solidly. I am fighting my own inner turmoil over this with Dh, with this marriage not working out.
Hi, Jennalemon. I've been
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi, Jennalemon. I've been thinking about your questions. I'm not sure what to suggest specifically, except yes, develop a Plan B! Try to figure out how to get out of your relationship and away from your husband.
I know that money is a problem. Can you do some research online to find out if there are any free or low-cost counseling, advising, legal, or financial services in your area? You could check with your local (e.g., county or city) human services department and your local clerk of courts, as well. Do you have a physician or other health-care provider that you could ask about services? The physicians I've had in the past several years have been very compassionate (I changed doctors because of insurance, not because I didn't like the docs) and have encouraged me to deal with mental- and emotional-health issues stemming from my bad marriage. Your doctor might do that, too.
If I think of more things, I'll let you know.
I started with a therapist,
Submitted by Lmanagesall on
I started with a therapist, then found a divorce attorney I really liked. I started with the therapist to help me understand and get through the 'mountain.' An attorney will give you great legal advice. Listen to them. I'm still in the midst of everything but I am hopeful that he will buy me out of the house so that I do not have to clear out and pack up all of his hoarded possessions. My advice is to look at 1 or 2 things that need immediate attention and try and put all of the other issues (kids, visitation, fights, bank accounts, etc) aside until you need to deal with them. Thinking about too much is overwhelming. I have not moved out nor changed the locks. We still live together, though it is not easy. One more piece of advice - I removed all of my jewelry from the house, possessions I did not want to see disappear and I put away some cash every week prior to serving papers.
I hope for you clear thinking. It's hard some days but I have yet to think I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm doing the right thing, for me and our kids.
A conundrum
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jennalemon,
I so well can understand your feelings.
Some of us seem to live with a man that no one else can see. In counseling sessions and at family gatherings, his charm and poise and humor and emotions work well for him to mask the man with whom we live. The man who is angry. The man who is unreasonable. The man who shreds our budgets by his spending habits.
Recently, we no longer travel to events as a couple. He is no longer able to contain all those issues, and they ooze out all over the place. Others can now see bits and pieces.
I have recently come to believe I do NOT need someone/anyone else to acknowledge what is going one here for it to be a reality. My jaw drops at his ability to spin a conversation into how sad and difficult and hard his life is - still - at 56 years of age. He has been stuck with the same sad stories, and hurts, and emotional wounds for many, many years. Some that he has carried since before I even met him. It is like they are trophies of some sort. He polishes them and cherishes them and carries them around like badges of honor. He takes each one out, and spins tales of the injustice done to him, the wound that goes with it, and the pain that grows bigger and bigger as each year passes. His seeming inability to forgive and move on is in reality extremely sad.
WHO he is versus what he DOES is the place where our relationship gets stuck.
All these books and advice shows and self-help web sites read easy - but work like baptizing a cat. The instructions sound simple. Put them into to practice an see what happens - it is a horse of a different color.