I read the author's blog post : " How to Find Gratitude in a Struggling ADHD-Impacted Relationship" Being the non-ADHD partner in my marriage, I have searched out what I can do to make my marriage thrive. I have swallowed my pride more times than I ever thought I could, and put on the cloak of "It must be me." I have been given "what for", and did not fight back, thinking maybe sitting in the posture of "she who made the mistake" would help the situation turn around. "She who could learn a different way to act." "She who could learn a different was to respond." "She who could learn - SOMETHING!" I have found my own limitations. I am not that strong. Even as a Christian, I was holding tight to the following : "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."
ADHD or not, a person can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
ADHD or not, concerns are always easier to swallow when they are sandwiched between compliments.
ADHD or not, carrots work far better than sticks.
Based on my own life's experiences, my spouse could very easily be among the number of "I cannot count the number of times an ADHD partner has said to me 'I just am never good enough for my partner.' Because criticism, rather than appreciation, is the most common comment they hear about what they do. " What I see in our marriage is the probability that 50 compliments slide right off my spouse's radar, but one area of concern becomes a monster that is stuck like Velcro to the foremost part of his being. And while it is stuck there, it inflates to obscure anything else going on in our lives.
My goal for my marriage is to determine if the only choice I have is "I must not voice a disappointment, I must not raise a concern, I must coddle, coddle, coddle, because that is all he can deal with in life, or he will crumple into a ball of sobs." That rips out my soul. After such determination to understand it, I have also grown immune to being affected by it. After years of various forms of counseling, I see it as a very effective defense mechanism. It stops all progress. Right in its tracks. At least for me, it stops all progress in getting any where near the acknowledgement I need as a human being when I voice my emotional response to something painful. Or disappointing.
These sort of things are just not conducive behaviors in the enrichment of a marriage relationship. If the bottom line is "Well dear heart, he cannot hear you, he cannot bear to say he made a mistake, he cannot do anything but what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants it done." That I can accept. That I can deal with. In as much as that is who he is as a man. Who he is as a human.
Yet, in my sensibility, those are not what makes for a healthy marriage relationship. I cannot cure what is on the other side. I can only step back and work with what is on my side.
"The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. - G.K. Chesterton"