Why It Seems like the ADHD Partner Can Get Away with Everything

My ADHD husband started seeing an ADHD coach.  I was soon invited to a session.  She holds us both accountable and is open to me emailing her my concerns in between sessions.  I am grateful for her because she is in our corner.  It is obvious.  However, the message that has been communicated to me has been "don't be that way".  "That way" being like "the sky is falling" way.  This diagnosis is new but the effects have darkened our marriage for nine years. It has affected us in the areas of finance, intimacy, family of origin, trust, instability, to name a few.  There are days when I do not think I can make the marriage last.  This same coach intimated that I do not give up on the marriage because I do not understand the way his brain works.  This advice feels like an excuse to me at this point.  It is going to take a while for my brain to wrap around the way his brain works or doesn't.  When the safety of our four young children is compromised, I am incapable of turning on the "he doesn't mean it" switch.  I am livid and terrified and wonder if I can even go to the grocery store with him in charge of our children.  I am reminded by his coach that he doesn't do anything with malice.  

His ADHD coach is happy for my husband that he has a long commute to and from work so he can decompress.  This is his fifth job in eight years.  How great for him that he gets time to decompress.  When do I get my time?  His long commute means he is home later meaning I want to collapse when he enters the doorway.  Collapsing in exhaustion is not the same as decompressing.  Eventually the fatigue I have been experiencing caused enough concern to bring myself to the doctor.   After some blood work, it has been revealed that I have markers for an autoimmune disorder.  A disorder exacerbated by stress.  I have been breathing stress in and out since my marriage.  Understandably marriage IS stressful.  However, we've been living in chaos.  What would the ADHD coach say to that?  I cannot allow by body to attack itself because my husband has ADHD?