Why is my adhd girlfriend breaking up with me everytime and hurting me so bad?

Hi everyone,

I am new on this site, and I am pretty much desperate for help with my adhd girlfriend who has a really extreme ADHD form. So I decided that I want to write down my experience with my partner and how hard and draining it is for me to understand why the rollercoasters I constantly experience happen. Let me tell you upfront that I love this woman with all my heart. I would do anything for her, but I cant understand why she is the sweetest girl I have ever dated, but when she push me away that she acts so mean and savage! All I want is just helping her and being happy with her. I survived so many emotional rollercoasters with her and now this latest one is worse than ever. And I just want her to see that what she does now is self destructing and hurting her and me. I dont want to lose her forever and atm it sure looks like it. So here it goes :

I love my girlfriend of 2 years to death. In that time, she broke on and off with me countless times in the most savage ways over the most stupid arguments. During those arguments she will always drag up old arguments when she feels cornered or just say "i dont wanna talk about that, im off". She interrupts with everything I say. She always responds with "yeah but you this that..." and everytime I just want to talk with her and solve it, but she will insult me terribly, projecting everything on me, blocking me, gaslighting me, stonewalling , etc etc. It destroys me and causes me to experience stress and a lot of pain. Nobody ever hurt me like that before. Always she asks her Keys back, deny my our cats she got from me etc.

Worse is, she always runs at the very first (backup rebound) guy who gives her temporarily attention and afterwards she comes running back with tears and convincing me time and time again it all her ADHD and she lost herself, it wasnt me but she describing it as being not able to control herself. She is very insecure,  she told me in her world she thinks a lot that I deserve better than her, im above her league,  and by being mean she thinks that that is the only way to push me away. It brings me to tears because I would never want anyone else! I close to be with her and I never regretted it! But the push pull in our relation from her side is complicated and hurtful.

And I take her back every time. I cant imagine a life without my girlfriend! Because I believe her and just want to help her, be with her for the rest of my life and make her happy. I always put myself in 2nd place cause I really believe how great she is outside these episodes. Yeah I understand people maybe think i use myself as a doormat. And this girl is the first who has that effect on me.

Last time it was really going so great for 5 months, hardly any incidents and it was so amazing to clearly see she looked and behaved better then ever. I knew she could slip because of her issues, but I never expected it to be worse then ever now! I was so convinced she learned from previous episodes and we could evade another heartbreaking episode by making sure we defuse it with a lot of tools. We talked hundreds of hours about all the problems and how to work together on it. she would tell me how great I am, how she appreciate how I fight for her, and for me that is normal since I would do it a million times. If she wouldnt push me away and blocks me when it happens, that would make such a big difference!

All these months she would daily tell me she wanted to move in with me, how sorry she was for hurting me, she learned about it her issues, got real help (which I saw myself), and it would never happen again. Till Jan 6th it was like the fairytale, the one I always wanted with her, and I felt happier then ever. 

Then on Jan 7th out of nowhere she did literally the same things all over again out of nowhere in another provoked BS argument, and it was even worse then ever. And no matter what I did or said, she would use anything against me to justify her actions, behaviour and anger. Then she broke up with me again and blocked me, and ran again to a rebound. It devastated me. Its the worst pain I ever experienced in my life. I had relations before in my 41 years of life, i got dumped or broke up those myself but compare to the pain I experience with this girl that was nothing.

It broke my heart so hard, cause I really love her so much and I just want to be happy with her. I put myself away for her, how stupid it sounds for others maybe. Because I really know how great it is outside these episodes. So basically I sacrifice myself, it feels like walking on a minefield. She can do countless times whatever she does but every mistake I make in her eyes gets punished. I can do 99 things out of 100 perfectly, but she will only talk about that 1 thing. Now again its the same many hurtful insults, blameshifting,  stonewalling, gaslighting, projecting, etc. and now she went even further. 

Out of nowhere she started smearing me again to friends and stuff. Because in her anger she basically make everything about me extremely negative. For example calling me a narc, no understanding of her, I am responsible for her behaviour, I am the worst guy in the world who will never accomplish anything in life, I so call manipulate her, I blame her for everything, I play the victim and loads of stuff like that, and it is so unfair!

Im far from perfect! Yes I do make mistakes, maybe a lot, but I love her so much, I never want to hurt her in any way! I never scream, i never put my hand on her, I never put her down or what! I just want to help and understand her , calm her down, but when she is in these moods, she is unreachable. She blocks me and remove me everywhere too then. I am at blame for everything, she insults me by humiliating me basically without her probably realizing the impact her words and actions causes, let alone how terrible it feels when she again runs straight away for another rebound. She tells me and others now that she doesnt care about her behaviour and the pain she causes, cause she just says "I dont care, his problem, i do what I want and this is what i feel now, and i feel freed". So with other words, Im always the one who gets the blame and if I dare to stand up for myself, especially since she keeps going and going till I react to it and then I am the guilty one. Its like she runs away for every confrontation, every critic or what!

I feel so devastated, im not anything she accuses me off! I have flaws, nobody is perfect, but she just makes me the bad guy and get blamed for whatever comes up in her mind. I never experienced this behaviour and pain like ever before in all my life (im 41). And how stupid it may sound for a lot of people or that I may look desperate or what, I really try to look through those words and actions. I want her back and just want to help her since I love her so much and be happy with her, building a future. she is the world for me. I just think this girl (she is 48) cant help herself but she doesnt want that herself. Im not romantisizing or want to excuse her behaviour, like I said we talked hundreds of hours about all this stuff, she explained how her head works and that she cant control it when it happens, but she doesnt want to lose me.

Even though im in no contact and trying to recover, i feel like this severe pain, and all the stuff she did and said is killing me from the inside. All I want is for her to calm down and be reasonable, to come back and solve this! I feel like she just crushed my soul worse then ever. And the lies she tells when twisting the story what happened, making her a victim and me the bad guy.

I feel so disrespected everytime, me not able to say what i want to say, after all promises, tears and everything....for her to easily hop to the next guy ( which she explain as its just to cover the pain of missing me).... its the most painful period for me ever! Worse thing is that she actually made me doubt myself all the times before, and that even though i am keeping my distance, the fact that I am here dealing with all this pain and trying to recover and she does all these things in anger...

I am a guy with empathy, who expresses his feelings, especially in a relation. And I feel this is a never ending cyclus, a vicious circle. Im afraid that when she comes back, that the next episode will be worse, and the next one even more. It drives me insane. I try to focus on positive things and distractions but im very anxious if i think about the fact that these rollercoasters wont stop. And losing her forever would leave a such a open wound in my heart, I cant bear that thought (yeah i would eventually move on since I cant give up on life, but the pain will be there forever)

My excuses for the long rant. Like I say, im not here to bash my girlfriend, I want to help her and im just getting so emotionally drained. I need help!

I fully understand if people say that I should not allow myself to get treated like this, or that this is more then ADHD (I dont know), or that I cant help her, but supporting her or what just to save our relation? I would do anything in the world for that! If people think i some toy for her so be it, in my life I always were a person who never gives up on somebody, especially when I love that person so deeply as my adhd girlfriend. I consider her my soulmate, and she always say the same when things are cool and calm. Its just when these episodes happen, she is unrecognizable, like a totally different person who is so mean and savage. A person who destroys everything. She lost friends for similar reasons, and they couldnt take the draining and on off behaviour anymore. But I do understand her and I DO want to keep fighting!

I just need some advice from others on this site, cause my days are now filled with crying, heartache, analyzing, looking for tips, etc. I read articles before on this site, but now i registered myself, so I can learn more about ADHD to understand her even better and hopefully it gives me something to solve this. Her parents even told me multiple times in tears how much they respect me for what I want to do for her, that I stay and keep giving my love, trust, and unlimited credits. How its makes them sad how she is now doing this again. That I am a special guy, someone who does more then any other person ever did for her. I just hope she comes back soon, we get this under control and let me be very clear, she has so many good sides on her too! But these episodes are so emotionally tough and draining, sometimes I do feel like I want to collapse.

I absolutely believe she is a good person, just somebody who is completely irrational at times, stubborn and mean. Did any of you ever experienced similar situations? And if so, how did you dealt with it and solved it?

Thanks in advances everyone!