Hi everyone,
I am new on this site, and I am pretty much desperate for help with my adhd girlfriend who has a really extreme ADHD form. So I decided that I want to write down my experience with my partner and how hard and draining it is for me to understand why the rollercoasters I constantly experience happen. Let me tell you upfront that I love this woman with all my heart. I would do anything for her, but I cant understand why she is the sweetest girl I have ever dated, but when she push me away that she acts so mean and savage! All I want is just helping her and being happy with her. I survived so many emotional rollercoasters with her and now this latest one is worse than ever. And I just want her to see that what she does now is self destructing and hurting her and me. I dont want to lose her forever and atm it sure looks like it. So here it goes :
I love my girlfriend of 2 years to death. In that time, she broke on and off with me countless times in the most savage ways over the most stupid arguments. During those arguments she will always drag up old arguments when she feels cornered or just say "i dont wanna talk about that, im off". She interrupts with everything I say. She always responds with "yeah but you this that..." and everytime I just want to talk with her and solve it, but she will insult me terribly, projecting everything on me, blocking me, gaslighting me, stonewalling , etc etc. It destroys me and causes me to experience stress and a lot of pain. Nobody ever hurt me like that before. Always she asks her Keys back, deny my our cats she got from me etc.
Worse is, she always runs at the very first (backup rebound) guy who gives her temporarily attention and afterwards she comes running back with tears and convincing me time and time again it all her ADHD and she lost herself, it wasnt me but she describing it as being not able to control herself. She is very insecure, she told me in her world she thinks a lot that I deserve better than her, im above her league, and by being mean she thinks that that is the only way to push me away. It brings me to tears because I would never want anyone else! I close to be with her and I never regretted it! But the push pull in our relation from her side is complicated and hurtful.
And I take her back every time. I cant imagine a life without my girlfriend! Because I believe her and just want to help her, be with her for the rest of my life and make her happy. I always put myself in 2nd place cause I really believe how great she is outside these episodes. Yeah I understand people maybe think i use myself as a doormat. And this girl is the first who has that effect on me.
Last time it was really going so great for 5 months, hardly any incidents and it was so amazing to clearly see she looked and behaved better then ever. I knew she could slip because of her issues, but I never expected it to be worse then ever now! I was so convinced she learned from previous episodes and we could evade another heartbreaking episode by making sure we defuse it with a lot of tools. We talked hundreds of hours about all the problems and how to work together on it. she would tell me how great I am, how she appreciate how I fight for her, and for me that is normal since I would do it a million times. If she wouldnt push me away and blocks me when it happens, that would make such a big difference!
All these months she would daily tell me she wanted to move in with me, how sorry she was for hurting me, she learned about it her issues, got real help (which I saw myself), and it would never happen again. Till Jan 6th it was like the fairytale, the one I always wanted with her, and I felt happier then ever.
Then on Jan 7th out of nowhere she did literally the same things all over again out of nowhere in another provoked BS argument, and it was even worse then ever. And no matter what I did or said, she would use anything against me to justify her actions, behaviour and anger. Then she broke up with me again and blocked me, and ran again to a rebound. It devastated me. Its the worst pain I ever experienced in my life. I had relations before in my 41 years of life, i got dumped or broke up those myself but compare to the pain I experience with this girl that was nothing.
It broke my heart so hard, cause I really love her so much and I just want to be happy with her. I put myself away for her, how stupid it sounds for others maybe. Because I really know how great it is outside these episodes. So basically I sacrifice myself, it feels like walking on a minefield. She can do countless times whatever she does but every mistake I make in her eyes gets punished. I can do 99 things out of 100 perfectly, but she will only talk about that 1 thing. Now again its the same many hurtful insults, blameshifting, stonewalling, gaslighting, projecting, etc. and now she went even further.
Out of nowhere she started smearing me again to friends and stuff. Because in her anger she basically make everything about me extremely negative. For example calling me a narc, no understanding of her, I am responsible for her behaviour, I am the worst guy in the world who will never accomplish anything in life, I so call manipulate her, I blame her for everything, I play the victim and loads of stuff like that, and it is so unfair!
Im far from perfect! Yes I do make mistakes, maybe a lot, but I love her so much, I never want to hurt her in any way! I never scream, i never put my hand on her, I never put her down or what! I just want to help and understand her , calm her down, but when she is in these moods, she is unreachable. She blocks me and remove me everywhere too then. I am at blame for everything, she insults me by humiliating me basically without her probably realizing the impact her words and actions causes, let alone how terrible it feels when she again runs straight away for another rebound. She tells me and others now that she doesnt care about her behaviour and the pain she causes, cause she just says "I dont care, his problem, i do what I want and this is what i feel now, and i feel freed". So with other words, Im always the one who gets the blame and if I dare to stand up for myself, especially since she keeps going and going till I react to it and then I am the guilty one. Its like she runs away for every confrontation, every critic or what!
I feel so devastated, im not anything she accuses me off! I have flaws, nobody is perfect, but she just makes me the bad guy and get blamed for whatever comes up in her mind. I never experienced this behaviour and pain like ever before in all my life (im 41). And how stupid it may sound for a lot of people or that I may look desperate or what, I really try to look through those words and actions. I want her back and just want to help her since I love her so much and be happy with her, building a future. she is the world for me. I just think this girl (she is 48) cant help herself but she doesnt want that herself. Im not romantisizing or want to excuse her behaviour, like I said we talked hundreds of hours about all this stuff, she explained how her head works and that she cant control it when it happens, but she doesnt want to lose me.
Even though im in no contact and trying to recover, i feel like this severe pain, and all the stuff she did and said is killing me from the inside. All I want is for her to calm down and be reasonable, to come back and solve this! I feel like she just crushed my soul worse then ever. And the lies she tells when twisting the story what happened, making her a victim and me the bad guy.
I feel so disrespected everytime, me not able to say what i want to say, after all promises, tears and everything....for her to easily hop to the next guy ( which she explain as its just to cover the pain of missing me).... its the most painful period for me ever! Worse thing is that she actually made me doubt myself all the times before, and that even though i am keeping my distance, the fact that I am here dealing with all this pain and trying to recover and she does all these things in anger...
I am a guy with empathy, who expresses his feelings, especially in a relation. And I feel this is a never ending cyclus, a vicious circle. Im afraid that when she comes back, that the next episode will be worse, and the next one even more. It drives me insane. I try to focus on positive things and distractions but im very anxious if i think about the fact that these rollercoasters wont stop. And losing her forever would leave a such a open wound in my heart, I cant bear that thought (yeah i would eventually move on since I cant give up on life, but the pain will be there forever)
My excuses for the long rant. Like I say, im not here to bash my girlfriend, I want to help her and im just getting so emotionally drained. I need help!
I fully understand if people say that I should not allow myself to get treated like this, or that this is more then ADHD (I dont know), or that I cant help her, but supporting her or what just to save our relation? I would do anything in the world for that! If people think i some toy for her so be it, in my life I always were a person who never gives up on somebody, especially when I love that person so deeply as my adhd girlfriend. I consider her my soulmate, and she always say the same when things are cool and calm. Its just when these episodes happen, she is unrecognizable, like a totally different person who is so mean and savage. A person who destroys everything. She lost friends for similar reasons, and they couldnt take the draining and on off behaviour anymore. But I do understand her and I DO want to keep fighting!
I just need some advice from others on this site, cause my days are now filled with crying, heartache, analyzing, looking for tips, etc. I read articles before on this site, but now i registered myself, so I can learn more about ADHD to understand her even better and hopefully it gives me something to solve this. Her parents even told me multiple times in tears how much they respect me for what I want to do for her, that I stay and keep giving my love, trust, and unlimited credits. How its makes them sad how she is now doing this again. That I am a special guy, someone who does more then any other person ever did for her. I just hope she comes back soon, we get this under control and let me be very clear, she has so many good sides on her too! But these episodes are so emotionally tough and draining, sometimes I do feel like I want to collapse.
I absolutely believe she is a good person, just somebody who is completely irrational at times, stubborn and mean. Did any of you ever experienced similar situations? And if so, how did you dealt with it and solved it?
Thanks in advances everyone!
YK
Tell her to get help, or you will leave
Submitted by thatswild24 on
Hey YK,
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
I have had a similar experience.
My boyfriend who I loved so much had severe untreated ADHD, which turned into drug and alcohol problems. Despite being wonderful to me for the most part, he didn't treat me well at the end of our relationship due to burn out at work. He lashed out, withdrew from me, didn't find any time for me. I started having to walk on egg shells, felt anxious with what I was saying in case he snapped at me. This is not a relationship. He took up so much space that I had to shrink myself in order to adapt to his moods. I lost myself.
I kept saying, if he didn't sort it out I'd leave.
Eventually, his ADHD and alcohol abuse was just too exhausting to deal with and I ended up walking away from our relationship. I didn’t break up with him because he had ADHD, I broke up with him because he wasn’t managing it.
I was prepared to stay with him and support him through therapy etc, but his actions never matched his words when he said he was going to sort it out.
There are plenty of things you can be doing together as a couple. ADHD couple counselling, medication, therapy. Like my ex, it also sounds like there is a bit more going on than just ADHD. If she is not willing to get help then im afraid this won't work. But as painful as it is, just know you can leave that relationship knowing you tried your best, but at the end of the day you've got to do what makes you happy in the long haul and sadly that may mean walking away.
All the best x
I really appreciate your input!
Submitted by Yk1981 on
Hi there! Thank you so much for your response and insight!
My girlfriend does smoke weed sometimes. Not all day, but mostly in the eve which I didnt like, because I dont think its good if you have these episodes, which are tough enough without drugs. Not because im some saint, but it does influence her behaviour especially when she has these episodes. I also wanted her to stop with it since the combination of adhd, medication and drugs isnt a good combination in my opinion. So I recognize your experience with your ex. FYI I smoked weed myself in the past but I stopped years ago because I noticed on myself it impacted my mindset, like being agitated quicker, I became forgetful, etc. When I see similar behaviour in combination with her issues, it scares me. Its not THE main reason for what I experience with her, but it does have a share too.
She does get more adequate help atm thankfully. Its what I wanted for a long time. And I wanted to support her and being involved in her traject to recover from her episodes. But the real problem is like I wrote, the pushing away and pulling, the wall she builds around herself, the stubborness and especially the projecting.
Everybody tells me what you wrote, I try/tried my very best. Most people basically tell me I went countless times over my limit and not too many people would have that kind of patience. Its great to hear that and reading that again now from you, but I do feel so guilty. Its like seeing the person you love so much, is self destructing and I cant stop it. And if I walk away, it would kill me if she would lose herself complete, which is a terrible powerless feeling. I had a terrible relation before her with a person who was the worst mistake of my life. She helped me overcome that pain, and in a way I feel obligated not to bail out. Like I said, she had many many great qualities and is a good person. Just one who loses herself and make irrational decissions.
But you are right, I walk on eggshells all the time, it emotionally drains me so much, the hurtful stuff I get thrown at me, the way I feel like im getting toyed constantly with on off behaviour, and the withdrawning is the worst. I only want a great relation with her and it doesnt feel like one, since its so onesided the last period.
You know what my biggest problem is also? Pulling the trigger. I cant seem to do it, especially everytime when she comes back. I have so much love, compassion and she knows what to say to me to make me melt. Its like she has some kind of power over me. People say she knows I will take her back all the time and im there for her always. That is true though cause I never could bring myself to close the door. Atm my days suck. Every spare moment I look for anything to solve this, hence why I registered. I have my distractions but its really really tough. I tried so hard, anything and giving up would feel like a loss for myself too. So it feels like no win situation, whatever I do, I get hurt.
If I may ask, did you ever spoke to your ex again after you left? Did he regressed even more and how did you dealt with it? Because I try anything to evade her going down the hill even more. Did your ex ever tried to contact you again and how did you engage (or not)?
Regards,
Yk
Judgement
Submitted by ramdrool on
Friend, one of the best things we can do as we move through life and meet all kinds of new people and hear all kinds of stories is to be generous in our opinion. At least in the moment so long as it doesn't harm anyone. Letting people who you don't know well tell amazing tales of how Jeff Bezos was their neighbor and Amazon was really their idea is fun and after all, most of us get nervous meeting new people, and sometimes we REALLY over-exaggerate our accomplishments and our elevator pitch on who we are and what we are about. Regardless, as we get to know someone we start to judge them on their ACTIONS, not their WORDS. We see enough of someone, day in and day out, and we see how they treat others and how they talk about others. It if fair to assume that mirrors how they feel and talk about you.
Is your GF generous with other people? All these days leading up to her leaving you, all these days she is telling you how great she is - does she see mostly good in other people or mostly bad? And what does she DO to show you that she thinks you are great. Does she go out of her day to cook for you even though she doesn't like to cook? Does she watch your shows or play your games even though she isn't really a fan? Does she take care of extra bills/laundry/cleaning for you?
From what is sounds like to me, your question seems to be overly defending her, which I can understand because you are expecting some attacks probably but if you are convinced her actions prove she really cares about you - at least the vast majority of the time- and you want to keep trying, I wouldn't even recommend it unless you were seeing couples therapy and she was 100% committed to not leaving again in a highly emotional state again. Maybe you will make progress and earn trust again, or maybe you will think about leaving and plan to leave enough where you are finally ready.
Good luck!
Your situation sounds
Submitted by Gcnyc on
Your situation sounds complicated and I can see you love her. I think anyone here will tell you what people have already been telling you, that there is a lot more there than adhd. I'd read the books "I hate you, don't leave me" to understand her and for you "codependent no more". These may help you see how you can help yourself and what to expect. I'd also check this website about power and control wheel and see if it fits https://dvservices.tripod.com/id41.html. And lastly I suggest for yourself that you go to therapy. It is so important and helpful in situations like these to have someone to help you though the difficulty and help you look at your part in a situation and how to move on or improve. You aren't seeing her but I'd suggest if you ever do there is a requirement for couples therapy before jumping back into living together or dating again and let the therapist help you figure out when is a good time to and how to return if it is determined this can be done in a healthy way. And of course part of this should be she also goes to therapy on her own but I infer she is doing that from what you said. Please take care of yourself. I think the the no contact choice you've made is a good one to give you space and time to heal and understand your boundaries, your needs, your self care and how you want to move forward. Love sometimes isn't the only requirement, you need mutual respect and care. Broken hearts are healed with time and with therapy we come out an even stronger and wiser person in the other side. Best of luck.
Appreciate your insight!
Submitted by Yk1981 on
Thank you so much for your insight! I will def check out the link you send me. And indeed I have help myself too atm, cause its very hurtful to deal with all the questions and pain I experience. And yes, I love her so much! She means the world for me. The books you named are books I would really wanna read too.
And I appreciate all the suggestions and tips everybody is giving me! It means a lot for me. I just wish this nightmare period would instantly go away, but I try to stay strong and positive. Tbh I am no expert, and if she had more then ADHD, I would not know what more issues she has and she probably doesnt know it herself.
OMG
Submitted by MATTHD on
just make sure that you click on the link, "click here" from your suggested website :) :) :) did not expect that...
https://dvservices.tripod.com/id41.html
Omg. You are right. Don't click.
Submitted by Gcnyc on
Wow. Probably hacked. Don't click. I advised them. They are a real agency so that isn't their link!
another solution
Submitted by MATTHD on
Has helped me in the past, but it could be a 12-step program thing.
sounds like you may be somewhat addicted to something bad for you (by your own acknowledgment, knowing that each cycle gets worse and that you're dependent on your partner). have you checked out SLAA? It may have less to do with ADHD than something of an addiction to the toxicity, intensity, and fantasy of what it COULD be.
I definitely recognize this statement in myself -- " So basically I sacrifice myself, it feels like walking on a minefield. She can do countless times whatever she does but every mistake I make in her eyes gets punished."
Good luck and feel free to reach out.