I am so frustrated right now because my wife left 2 weeks ago & insists that she needs to be away for at least 1 year. She says that she still loves me but I need to show her that I can be accountable & responsible, 2 characteristics that are rare in people with ADHD. We have 4 girls ranging in age from 3 - 12. She said that she must do this to not only get me to realize what a disappointment I have been, but she feels that she lost herself a long time ago & needs to find herself again. My biggest problem is that the internal conflict that I have about all of this. I have been on Adderall for just about a year & even had my dosage bumped up a little. I started to seek out additional help about a month ago & had been moving forward with staying on track with being more active & putting together a schedule. Heck, she even helped me with the schedule & even put it on paper for me. Then, just when I am starting off on this unfamiliar road, she said she had to go. I am so hurt & so missing her that my heart is constantly aching. It doesn't even feel like it's there. I am having the most trouble with getting her to accept the fact that my mental issues played a majorly significant role in this constant disappointment that I have given her.
I wrote an analogy in a blog about how I have been feeling lately. Here is what I wrote.
For the people around you, the ones that see you each and every day just floundering, failing, appearing unmotivated, breaking promises, constantly disappointing, making them crazy, appearing as if you just don't care, showing no signs of improvement, giving them every reason to avoid you, not paying them back, not being able to depend on you, creating a bigger pile of chaos & debt, creating more stress for them, with your head always in the clouds & waiting for that big "whatever" to come along, etc...they won't fully understand what's going on in YOUR HEAD. It's difficult for clear thinking people to realize what an enormous impact ADD/ADHD has on a person. It very easily can be looked at as an excuse or just another line of bull, that isn't valid enough or have enough weight to be the REAL reason for most if not all of the troubles that they have. But can you blame them? I wouldn't think that anyone would want live with all the issues that I mentioned & even many more that I didn't, and still want to be with that person. Unfortunately, there's no reset button, or red pill that you can take to see both sides. The person that has been constantly hurt, will continue to feel as though they probably won't be able to ever count on the other, and will have doubts that there is a possibility for a positive change. The person with ADD/ADHD is looking at climbing Mt. Everest with no experience for mountain climbing & no one by their side to keep telling them that they can do it. They just have to suck it up & accept the fact that they put them self at the base of that mountain. Even though they have no idea how they got there. I guess they could google "how to climb Mt. Everest", or maybe "Climbing Mt. Everest for Dummies", but really, that is a very big hill to climb by yourself with just some internet advice to go by. Think of the person standing at the base of the mountain by himself, but wasn't expecting that he would be there alone. You see, he and his partner head out on a lifelong journey of hills and valleys and one day hope to get to "Happy Town", or whatever. On the way they got a flat tire, they ran out of food, they ran out of gas, they ran out of money, they went the wrong way, they had to go back home because he forgot something, they ran out of gas again, they needed new tires, the inspection was overdue & they had to go the long way to avoid the po pos, they argued about who's job it was to make sure they had enough of whatever they needed for the journey, but when they found themselves at the base of Mt. Everest the partner said, "I can't do this anymore. I need to go now. I still love you & I'll be on the other side if you get there, but I just got to go." That is a hurt that is hard to describe. Sure it seems pretty obvious as to why the person left at the mountain would be hurt, but to know that the reason they're there is because of his directions, his advice, his fogged up brain, his insisting that he knows the way to Happy Town & he thinks there's a shortcut, but keeps getting them lost & still looks for another shortcut, until he cuts himself short, and finds himself alone. There is no way to put into words, that pain. It can only be felt. You can't make someone understand why or how you got to that mountain, if they don't truly want to understand & are just sick of listening to excuses..
I don't know what I can possibly do to get her to see what's really going on. I just miss my wife & I am already on track to making a better life for my family and me. I have even given her a book call "Is it You, is it Me or Adult ADD". She hasn't read any of it. She has said to me that she is cheering for me & kisses me & hasn't completely separated herself from me, but I know that WE could get through this more effectively than me doing it on my own. Plus, did I mention that I miss her very much?
I would appreciate any directed help that anyone is willing to offer. I am grateful for this site & all of the people here that share their stories & advice. Thanks, God Bless - MRADHD