I'm 31 year old female recently married to my 28 year old husband who suffers from ADHD. He suffers from baaaad anxiety, anger and outbursts, impulses, addictions (both sex and drugs). He admits he needs help but refuses to beleive therapy or medication will help him. He says I keep him prisoner but he's a prisoner of his own mind. I've told him this...sometimes he agrees and sometime more often than not I'm the root of all his problems. He says I need medication (FYI, I only started taking antidepressants to help me not react to his madness and cope with his behavior...I thought it would help numb my emotions).
I've been 100% selfless and supportive but his verbal and emotional abuse is breaking me. I'm trying to be strong and I love him so much but I'm losing all my self worth. He's heartless, cruel and mean. I'm a doormat, punching bag...whatever you want to call it. I constantly walk on eggshells and can't EVER express my feelings or defend myself.
With him the world is black and white...he tears me down and throws me into a tornado that is his mind. I'm human and I have no one to turn too. I've never cut myself until I met him. He hurts me so bad that I can't deal with it that physical pain of cutting my arms takes away from the pain I feel inside. When I cry he yells at me so I cut myself to stop crying and he yells or even ignores me saying I'm selfish.
I reached out to a doctor to help me and she demanded I stop cutting. I did it like 10 times...it's something I don't want to do and have no intention of doing but I can't make any promises considering my situation and the mental state I'm suffering from when he's in his rages. He is unstable and this is making me unstable. I ride his wave.
Why would a therapist put demands on me or add to my stress considering my situation? I feel very hurt that I turned to someone and they tried to control me and not help me when I reaching out for help. I'm a really kind person but why won't someone give me a break. My husband already controls and manipulates me. Woudln't a therapist realize her approach is counteractive.
I've tried and tried again to manage this on my own but I'm not getting any better and my husbands ADHD is spiraling out of control and I'm being blamed. What is the dysfuntion in his brain? I want to also add he was born addicted to drugs and his biological mother neglected him from birth to at least the age of 5.
Of course I don't blame him for his condition and situation. I also forgive him for anything that he has done that has hurt me. I don't ever want to be spiteful or be negative...all I ask is to be able to have my moment to cry, be sad or be angry without reflecting on him or causing a fight. He wants me to be perfect and has superficial expectations of me. I need a break, I need a hug, I need a friend or simply support.
As you can see from this post my mind and emotions are scattered. I don't know if I made any sense but all I do know is that I really love him and only want the best for him, me and us as a team. Any advise would be helpful. Thanks for listening.