My wife of 10 years has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. We have three children, one has been diagnosed and one seems to have ADHD but has not yet been diagnosed.
I love my wife, im not going to try and make myself out as a victim, but I am always angry. I try not to show my anger, but it gets unleashed when I feel trapped. I go for a walk.. I yell into a pillow.. I practise mixed martial arts as a way of coping, thankfully I have friends who are more than happy to have me take out my anger on them physically. Sometimes it's too hard. I've cried, we've gone for counselling many times. Over the last couple weeks we've decided to get separated. It wasn't until than that I finally realized that Maybe there wasn't anything she could do. I've always been critical, now I realize to critical. My criticism left her depressed which left her not wanting to be around me. Not because she didn't love me, but because she felt as though she couldn't meet up to my standards. She deals with her depression by meeting people. Starting relationships with people is something that she is fantastic at. Something I always loved about her was how social she is. However because of that she has always had other men trying to peruse her. She loves attention, you can ask any of our friends. However according to her it's always been platonic. With that being said she's had her phone locked for years, and if I ask about it I'm being controlling, and obsessive. I don't check the phone bill anymore because I've had my hart broken so many times trying to figure out why she couldn't just be happy with me.
She's always gone to bed with me. So I have no reason to believe that she's been unfaithful other than the fact that she's gone out for coffee or to meet someone during the day.
if she has cheated on me I want out. But I have no proof and I can't get any transparency. We decided to get separated because we've had enough but I can't afford to loose my home, she has no formal education past grade 10, and I'm worried if I went ahead with it my kids will loose there home, my wife will loose her mind, and I will loose what I've always wanted and worked hard for which is a home and loving family. Recently I talked to her and told her that I'd rather try and work on us one last time. I'm going to a counsellor to see if I can find ways to change myself to maybe bring her out of the bedroom. She stays in bed on her phone the majority of the day, and only comes out to do something for herself most of the time.
If anyone has any advice or is sympathetic I'd love to hear it.
Sounds like she is depressed.
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Sounds like she is depressed. Well, you actually said she was. I'd start there. If she is social and likes human interaction, is being in bed with her phone all day natural? I don't know what your childcare arrangement is. Would she be happier getting out and doing some kind of work? Volunteer?
Certainly start with counseling, but you may need to address depression first. You may be critical, but she may also carry shame from the past.
Three kids? I'm sorry. WTH is she doing in bed all day??? You did not mention the ages of the children, but I feel unapologetic in feeling that her attention should be more focused on the children, especially if they seem to also have ADHD. How is she planning to help the children with their ADHD?
Transparency. It is key. Does she tell you who she is meeting during the day, what they are doing and where they are going? If not, why not. My personal feeling is that if I feel hesitant or ashamed to say what I'm doing, I should think twice about doing it because somehow it's not honorable. How do you personally define cheating? It can be different for each individual. Chatting? Primary emotional dependence with another person? Always seeking another's validation? Inappropriate talk? Too personal? Bad mouthing you to others? Dating sites? My H keeps his phone on lockdown. I asked to see it one time. He literally broke out in a sweat on his forehead. Real, serious, large beads of sweat. His voice changed, the whole 9 yards. He wanted to know what I was looking for. I didn't need to see his phone after that. I knew everything I needed to know without details that would haunt me later. I wouldn't have hesitated to have him see my phone. Other than bitching to my best friend from time to time, I'm not ashamed of anything on my phone. There's nothing I would have said to her that I wouldn't have already said to him.
Figure that one out. What's your line in the sand? You are suspicious. At what point do you think something is cheating? Is she aware of your feelings? The real test is that if you express those feelings and she does it anyway. Most women know how to shut down inappropriate contact.
Yes, deal with your criticism and definitely your anger, but it is not an excuse for someone to cheat. I'm sure the hurt has gone both ways.
From a sympathetic standpoint. ... depending on your view of cheating... you will process it emotionally AS IF there was physical intimacy, depending on your view of cheating. I did. It is difficult to process. I will NEVER know if there was physical intimacy except I went for a regular gyno visit and turns out I had an easily treatable STD. Go figure. My H will never, ever, ever, ever 'fess up. That way, I get to be the crazy, controlling one. If I'm crazy for asking to see the phone, we never have to deal with what is actually ON the phone, do we? Interestingly, my H never asked to see my phone because the distrust didn't flow in that direction. Ironically, he trusted me and didn't need validation of the trust but would not permit me the validation.
Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone. If she is very social and likes interaction, is there something she could do to further her education? Maybe she would feel validated by success outside of the home.
You could start with all of the resources on the site. Maybe she could read some of the material to begin with, from bed. There are articles with balanced viewpoints.
Depression and adhd
Submitted by virgo83 on
Thanks beach girl.
Our kids are 9, 7, and 4. The older two are in school and the youngest is in pre school. We live just on the other side of some trees behind the school so the kids can walk to school wich is nice. As far as I know, and from what the oldest tells me, she will help the kids out when she has to when I'm at work or gone. But when I'm home its all on me.
She does get out of the house to go participate in some brazilian jiu jitsu. It's a martial art we both practise. However when it comes to school, and work. She can never seem to focus long enouf to keep a job or finish school. I want to help her follow threw, I'm just not sure how. I hope this site and some counselling will help. Thank you for telling me about your H and the phone problem you've faced. It drives me crazy. So it's nice to hear about it from another persone. I know she's had emotional affairs. At least 4. She told me about them, we went to counselling. She told me she stopped, than continued doing it straight after. I just want to learn how to cope, or change to get it to stop. I'm worn out. If I can't get her out of the room, and try to keep her intrest in the opposite sex on me than I need to move on.
I just recently locked my phone and put an app on it that takes a picture of someone trying to log into my phone.. lol I've got dozens of pictures of a 4 year old and my wife getting frustrated lol. So I unlocked it. I think your right. Trancperancy is key.
Virgo83...My wife is the same....
Submitted by c ur self on
Spitting image! The phone, The selfish self absorbed thinking and living...All of it...Clinical level adhd (adderall when she takes it) (She is in our front bedroom (guest room) watching her recorded shows right now...Where she stays unless she is hungry or needs to P).... Will be married 10 years in June...
I would like to help you if I can....I've come along way...Not angry anymore....I have instituted a lot of boundaries...I know my wife isn't cheating, that would be a deal breaker for me also....She is great at relationships also.....We are Christians and most of her girl friends are married Christian women (although she will talk to male strangers like she has none them all of her life, no filters, ) who she has lunch w/ as groups (accountability it's good for her)...Although she will pick up younger girl friends from work from time to time (people are really drawn to her the fun loving girl)....She is attracted to younger folks....I think it's because she can control them and influence them to do and go the places she desires...(that controlling self absorbed thing again)....
I will just tell you this....Until I learned to accept her just like she is....(I don't mean agree!) but accept her....Set up boundaries that we both respect.....(separate finances, separate travel she goes late a lot, and other boundaries concerning her messy hoarding ways...and just do the work in our marriage...She can be really negative and victim minded at times....But I've told her, that if she hates being a wife (and doing the work of a wife) she needs to leave, and to her credit she as been more positive lately, and more active also....Adhd want go away, so boundaries will help you protect yourself, and protect her from you thinking she can be like you....You will have to work on your own anger....I went from all the arguments with her, to lots of praying, and talking to myself....Now I'm really at a place of peace (thank the Lord) where I don't even have those long soliloquies when I'm alone much any more....
It's a process....Acceptance, deal w/ myself, and pray and believe....I had gotten real good at baling her out (enabling and doing all the work here, so she can have fun times)....But there is plenty of dirty dishes and pot and pans piled up right now, (Her holiday cooking) which is hard from me, but, she will get to them If I can ignore them....Just not on my anal time line....She never rushes to be productive :)....
You can read my past posts (many from a few years ago may ring real true w/ you right now, I've been here almost 4 years)....just click on my screen name, if you are interested....Also, you can ask me anything and I will do my best to share with you what has worked, or what hasn't worked....
We just have to separate our stuff from theirs...(OWNERSHIP) Own our anger and own or jealously, etc....But never own her stuff (She must do that) .....Once we take ownership and her also....Then we see more clearly, blame can die and you can move forward....Blame, judgments and denial will always destroys the ability to accept and move forward.....
If you will go to a good counselor and work on ownership instead of blame you can progress....If you want a referee save you money and move out.....