My wife has had problems with thinking before she says things. Sometimes, it involves offering something before thinking of the consequences or of the need to ask me if she can make the offer--"Sure, we'll make a whole batch of homebrew for you" or "Why don't you stay in our hotel room with us during our family vacation?" Or things that put us in difficult situations, like telling saying something about someone that I had told her in confidence right in front of them. Or something embarrassing--such as sharing my medical information (which antidepressants I am taking!) without asking me ("Honey, is it okay for me to tell them that you are taking antidepressants?")
There is also a pattern of saying mean and hurtful things, especially about me. She used to use the excuse that I shouldn't be offended because I "know that she doesn't think about things before she says them" and I needed to accept "that is just the way she is."
Yesterday, I took the kids out for pizza. Our daughter, almost 9, asked a woman"are you a boy or a girl?" The woman stated that she was offended and told me that I needed to deal with it.
I told my wife about this incident. The first question she had was actually about WHAT THE WOMAN IN QUESTION LOOKED LIKE! I took this as "well, maybe she was justified" or "maybe it was an honest mistake." I explained to my wife that our daughter had previously done things like referring to African Americans as "dark people." I asked if it would be OK for her to go up and ask someone "Are you black or white" even if she wasn't able to tell by their appearance. The point we need to emphasize is it really doesn't matter--treat all people with respect, even if you aren't sure what race/gender/etc. they are.
Granted, my wife has sometimes pointed out to our kids that they said something inappropriate and should not do so again. But it really bothers me that she asked me a question that rationalized our daughter's rude behavior. It strikes me as trivializing the importance of having a filter to decide whether or not to blurt something out. It also strikes me as justifying her own negative behavior of blurting things out.
Filterless MInds....And excusing it..LOL..You want win that one!
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree with you that your wife' behavior and justifying it is a problem....What I would like to point out here is, you know it....Also you are the parent who was present...I agree with you 100% that your 9 year needed a lesson about respecting everyone regardless of their appearance right about then....
Since I live with the same reality that you do...All I will say here is to bring it up with your wife instead of just handling it...Is asking for the response you got....She don't think like you, and probably never will...Now she might agree w/ you way after the fact...(when the damage is already done)....
I've done the same thing way to many times....Her reality want change, and it just exasperates you or me, when we think we are going to get a different response (one of awareness) but we never do...So instead of being frustrated by there responses, isn't it best just limit the chaos, by not asking for it??
Just handle the lesson as the responsible parent you are....And let your wife handle the needed response's when she is present with the child...You only have to answer for yourself....And you have no control over the lack of filter, and the lack of wisdom in this particular issue....
My wife will do the same kind of things....She will barter and argue w/ a kid...It's a head shaker, but, if you want to call her own it, she will defend it to the death....So why go there? When we go there pointing it out and hoping to find agreement, or accomplish something.... All we get for our trouble is the question we ask our selves after it's over....OMG...Why on earth did I say anything to her??
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I went through No Filter/TMI with my boyfriend when we first started dating.
He has since learned that there are certain things that I don't care to hear or know about. He understands that some of his oversharing is disrespectful to me.