Hi all,
I’m new to this site and very thankful to have found it, perhaps too late to move forward with my spouse of 17 years, but I really want to try.
Five years ago my spouse was diagnosed with ADHD and commenced various drugs and dosage levels which now have her taking 4x30mg of Adderall XR. While I saw and experienced much strange behaviour prior to the diagnosis, then even more strange behaviour after the diagnosis and which started our drifting apart, I was not aware of the ADHD or medication until very recently. She did not tell me any of this and it was not until she left out a pill bottle that I discovered what is going on. She has admitted to the ADHD by saying “it’s only ADHD” in her attempt to minimize her problem. She refuses to talk about the ADHD and is in very strong denial about problems we have experienced as a couple. In her way, she takes absolutely zero responsibility.
I really do not know what to do. One part of my thinking comes from the hurt I felt when she did not tell me; however, I do love her, and I do want to learn what I need to learn so that I can be her anchor.
I would be very appreciative of any suggestions from folks who have successfully come through a similar situation.
Cheers
I can relate to this!!!
Submitted by overcome2010 on
People, such as myself(ADD'er) are often ridiculed, teased, and misunderstood. Our condition is what causes us to be impulsive and act the way we do. Most of us are hyper and we have difficulty paying attention and the way others respond to our behavior and personalities affects us. For example, I (just as well as other ADD'ers) have a problem paying attention during conversations, I tend to ramble and go off on long tangents, confusing myself and others involved in the conversation, I irritate some people with my hyperactivity, Sometimes I interrupt and answer a question before it is fully asked etc etc I zone out.....When I was younger and even today (prior to taking medication and therapy) people viewed me as being dense, dingy, "off, etc..... When people have ADD and they have been teased or mistreated, they (just like myself) are afraid of rejection, ostracism, being misunderstood, called dumb, etc. With all of that being said, your wife did not tell you because she was afraid of how you would react. She was afraid that you would treat her the everyone else would. When people think you are odd, dumb, etc they tend not value your opinions, suggestions, and thoughts. Your wife rejected to tell you about her condition because she felt that she would look down her as a wife. My advice for the both of you is this:
FOR YOUR WIFE: 1. Apologize to your husband for keeping that from him.
FOR YOU: FORGIVE HER AND BE UNDERSTANDING.
2. ALWAYS REASSURE HER THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT SHE NEEDS HELP GO TO COUNSELING TOGETHER.
3. ENCOURAGE HER TO TAKE HER MEDICATION AND GO TO COUNSELING.
4. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY....I MISSED OUT ON GOOD RELATIONSHIPS (ROMANTIC, FRIENDSHIP AND BUSINESS) BECAUSE OF MY FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE.
5. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRST: PRAY TOGETHER EVERYDAY: GO TO GOD AND ASK HIM TO HELP WORK THIS OUT.
6. WHEN YOU ARE UPSET WITH HER...NEVER EVEER EVER MENTION HER CONDITION....THAT CAN BREAK her DOWN
FOR YOU: TELL YOUR WIFE HOW YOU FEEL...BOTH OF YOU (NO MATTER WHO HAS THE CONDITION) MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS
Thank you for your advice
Submitted by Paul in Halifax on
Thank you for your advice overcome2010.
Black and White Thinking
Submitted by Nettie on
How is someone who is taking medication for ADHD taking "absolutely zero responsibility" for her ADHD? The percentages on this forum sometimes confuse me (Remember that 110% comment a while back?). I guess ADHD people aren't the only ones with black and white thinking. (For the 110% people, I guess that would be really-black and white thinking.)
Also, the anchor comment can be taken in a variety of ways. Do you want to anchor your partner to protect her from the storm of herself? Does she want to be tied down and lose the "absolute" advantages of having ADHD (incredible creativity, enthusiasm, persistence, etc....)?
I'm sorry about your pain, but I also want people to analyze their reactions for signs of prejudice. It's really difficult for both partners weathering ADHD, stormy or extra bright!
Nettie, My comment about her
Submitted by Paul in Halifax on
Nettie,
My comment about her taking zero responsibility was in the context of problems experienced in our relationship due to challeneges presented by ADHD.
They never do take responsibility
Submitted by Sueann on
I could have died from my husband's ADD behaviors. Lost job, no insurance, hence 3 years without my hypertension medication.
But he does not understand why I'm still scared. He says I'm workiing now (which is true) and so I'm supposed to forget all about the past.
I can't live in the present like he can. I do remember the past hurts (like dropping a bookcase on my foot) and I'm still afraid things will go back to the way they were. I'm still home when the bill collectors call, not him. To me, the damage is still very present. But to him, if he thinks about it at all, it's a distant memory.
Because of their now and not now thinking, I don't think your wife will ever say, I'm sorry, it was my fault, I'll make sure it won't happen again and I'll fix it so you don't have to bear the consequences. I'd cut off my right arm if my husband could say that to me and mean it.
Wont adress
Submitted by overcome2010 on
For one I must say that you are doing the right thing which is PRAY. Talk to your husband let him know how you feel just like you are doing and try to attend therapy together. If he does'nt go, then go to counseling for yourself so that you can learn to deal with him. Whenever you see an improvement in his behavior let him know and maybe say to him "Honey you are doing well with the meds, but I think you will be even much better than you are now if you came to therapy with me, then end it with I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE
Won't address it
Submitted by Clarity on
My ADDman will take his medication and that's it! There is no communication about how much, what kind, the effects of, benefits of etc. As far as he's concerned, he's taken care of the ADD and if I think there's a problem, it's definitely my problem. He denies his part in how our relationship affects me and insists that I had problems long before he met me. He must think the medication has cured him but I know that he (we actually!) would benefit greatly from therapy, coaching, research... he won't even continue to educate himself about his own condition. He doesn't have any use for an anchor because he's "the man". He just wants me to agree with whatever he has to say and entertain him with light, social banter. I keep praying for an attitude adjustment but he seems very content with his assumptions and is quick to blame me when he decides to be combative. Sorry, I guess this is not a suggestion but, I can acknowledge the hurt of a similar situation.