It has been a while since I posted. I've gotten so much help from this forum. I have been in counseling both with and without my non-add partner (DW) since January of this year. We had 3 sessions together and each one was bad for her, her words. She always came back to the massive hurt and stuff that years of my ADD behavior caused; I've always acknowledged this to her.
I've been reluctant to mention this in the forum; for many reasons -- but maybe someone can read it and it may help them. I was diagnosed 2 months ago with extremely low levels of testosterone. The symptoms of this are very similar and compounded by the symptoms that ADHD can cause. Low libido, concentration, depression, confidence, yada yada yada -- see the mix? OMG. I've been treated now since the diagnoses and that combined with the ADHD meds and some real life changes have brought me to the point that I feel NORMAL again. Consistently. That is my mantra for our marriage and relationship --- new attitude, new behaviors, consistently. I've had slips but they are farther and fewer exponentially.
So... today I found out via an apartment broker who dialed my cell phone instead of hers (one number different), that she is looking for an apartment. What confused me terribly, was that we have had some talks in the last week and I said that I thought we were making some good progress to which she replied "we ...were...". She continued to explain to me that she feels "stuck", and disconnected from me, not emotionally close. That she wanted to continue the marriage counseling and learn some bonding activities, etc... WE have had some GOOD almost normal times in these last couple of weeks, so that talk was extremely difficult for me. And she is still in so much pain, and that hurts her .. and... me.
So - discovering this desire of hers to be out on her own is a huge blow to me. To me it means I'll have less of a chance to bond to regain the affection and love that we used to have. I am trying so hard and have so much to offer now ... seems to ME like a big downturn to the past. I've asked in other blogs how can a woman forgive an ADHD man for behavior related to the illness. Some people have said "is her forgiveness important to you"? I've always believed that forgiveness IS important. I've forgiven myself for the past wrongs because to not do so would be darkness to me. I now thing SHE needs to find a way to get "unstuck", and we have to get to counseling again. I'll do anything that counselor says to -- anything. I am completely there.
My drive is to regain her trust and love, and to show her that I want to be with her emotionally and otherwise. Being motivated to change going forward, I can not dwell on the past, past hurts which even I have. I can't talk to her about those, because by my own tongue I do not want to dwell on past issues. I only want to remember them as a compass of which way NOT TO GO. This is easy for me, very easy now. So, her plans for moving out temporarily as she says; are very discouraging. This is VERY VERY hard for me. To be separated at this point... I don't know how to process it. She says she wants it to be temporary, and that divorce or formal separation is not the plan... but followed that with the word YET.
I've type this post about 4 times, changing small things, et al. But I am very confused, and feel like the rug has been flung out from under my feet, rolled up and round housed me in the head. The radio stations are back, all of it. Thanks.