Wife of Partner with ADHD, Trying to identify symptoms -vs- Personality Traits

Hello, before you get confused, we are lesbians.

Ok- My wife was diagnosed as an adult, before we met. We have been married for 7 months and have a 6 year old daughter. I'm going to list some things going on, and if anyone can help me identify if the examples are ADHD, or just her personal issues, I would greatly appreciate it. Every day I feel more increasingly like I am grasping onto tiny threads and losing more and more of her, and in turn losing part of me with it.

- When she feels what she considers an extreme emotion, she completely shuts down. She is more prone to shut down when feeling disappointment or anger. She will stop talking completely and ignore any pleading from me to have a conversation. She generally will not speak to me again until at least a full day later.

- Complete refusal to let me help her, with anything. (This started a couple of months ago) This goes so far as to say we use to enjoy cooking together and now if I even stir the beans she is making she gets frustrated. I hear "I just want to be left alone" more and more every day.

- Complete ignorance as to how hearing "Leave me Alone" over and over again would hurt your spouse.

- No sex life, at all. If I touch her, kiss her, do anything to her, she gets frustrated. According to her, I'm smothering her, although for the last six months, I have maybe approached her for a simple kiss once every week. I don't even try anymore. She assures me if I wait for her to make the move, it will happen. Its been 6 months of waiting, its not going to happen, and I don't nag, I don't even bring it up anymore.

-Constant denial that the words I hear her saying came out of her mouth. What I heard and what she remembers saying are NEVER the same thing, and it is ALWAYS my fault, always me not listening well.

 

All this to say, my wife is a wonderful, amazing person. I could spend an eternity writing about her greatness, so don't get me wrong, I'm not full of complaints. I'm just trying to figure out if I should take an ADHD approach to these situations, or a different approach.

Thank You all for your time!

Wish I Could Know The Same With Certainty

Been married for several years. It's obviously irrelevant that I'm married to a man.

Problems are the same.

I'm pretty exhausted at this point. I absolutely came to the place of losing myself in this marriage.

The shutting down is typical adhd behavior. Many can attest to that. My husband can refuse to talk to me for days, weeks, whatever when this happens. His first wife says part of what drove her to the divorce is they eventually went months without speaking in the same house. I can totally see that on the horizon, despite my love for him.

After several years of any conversation of that nature being off limits, it gets lonely.

The no help thing definitely translates into not doing things together after awhile. It started with simple things n built up. Doesn't make for a partnership, for sure.

"Leave me alone,".... hmmmmm hurts, but least you get the words. I get the actions which kept me guessing for years.

Sex? Yeah, what's that. My marriage was like a 180 on that front. Waiting didn't help nor did any of the usual suspects.

Yes, at first I called it denial. However, after years, I will assure you it starts to look like lies rather than accident.

The confrontational thing is a whole other issue. Blame game. It's ouchie. No way to have a rational conversation with that.

Yup, n I still love him too....