Hi all. I am new to the forum. It has been 1 1/2 years since my now 16 year old son was diagnosed and about a year for me. Still going through the "oh, so that's why..." of the things in my past. And of course, my wife of 20 years and I are room mates. We have our son, 16 and daughter 20 living at home. Both professionally employed and both kids in school.
My wife and I had our first counseling session about a two weeks ago. During the session, she "laundry listed" everything that has happend "to her" that was the result of something I did starting from before we were married. I have apologized a month earlier for everything I did put her through. Didn't realize I was doing it until I knew why. I want to get a handle on all of this and work together. She told my in the session to quit using the ADHD as an excuse. I told her that I was not using it as an excuse, but as a reason why.
Towards the end of the session, she was talking to the counselor and said that the ADHD was garbage. Kind of puts a damper on things especially since our son is truly ADHD, still trying to dial in the meds and learning new ways to do things. I am 54 and on meds and have had a long time to develop a lots of "work arounds", but still willing to learn.
My concern is if she doesn't think the ADHD is real, how can we work on our relationship? I know she has lots of anger and un-forgiveness that has been built up. She does not try to understand what ADHD is and how people with it just do things differently. She still talks at us and calls our 16 year old son, "lazy" "you just won't try" "it's not up to MY standards". Both my son and I are creatives (big surprise). I have been a commercial photographer and cameraman in the film and video industry ( as well as advertising, music, producer, etc.) and my son has won awards for his art work and he plays several styles of music on the guitar (self-taught). My wife works with a doctor and is very precise and excellent at what she does (and she will tell you she is). I described our relationship to the counselor as "She is linear and black & white and I am oblique and technicolor". We driver her crazy.
Since being on the meds, I have not "avoided" interaction with her when she starts barking orders and criticizing (son and I). I have studied as much as I can. I share with my son. I have listen the "The ADHD Marriage four times so far along with Driven to Distraction.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.