Wife wants me to move out

Were to began?  First off I just got diagnosed with ADD and reading disability about 2 months ago.  That explains the sacredness to write something here but I am desperate for help.  But how do you explain a life and marriage in a few words.

Married 15 years in 11days.  Dated 6 years before that and lived together for 3 of those.

Have 3 wonderful boys age 11, 10 and 10.  Since the twins were born our life has been a little crazy.

This past summer my wife said she was going to visit her mom and sister for a few weeks with the kids when I had a few busy weeks of work.  Good plan I thought.  But a few days into this visit when I discovered she changed back account passwords and would not return my call.  I freaked out.   We had good to a counselor over a year ago for  some time and I tried to do the counseling but I do admit that I did not totally buy into it.  I called our counselor and she said that I must talk to the kids every day and start working on myself.  So I did.  With the counselors help I was allowed to go visit the kids for a week and spend some time with the wife but she made it very clear that she did not want me.  She was looking for work in this other town (where her mom and sisters live and 6 hours from were our house is and I work and our kids go to school) all summer.  She is a teacher.  It was the hardest summer of my live.  But with counseling and talking to friends I got thru it.  By the end of the summer the wife and kids had come back.  We were going to counseling and I thought make good progress.   Then school started and it has done down heal since.  My wife is very unhappy with her current school and the town we live in.  A year ago I had said that I would not move but since this summer I have made it very clean that I will consider anything that is best for the family.  By the end of summer our consoler said that we each need to got our own counselor so we both have been going to our own counselor for the fall.  About 2-3 months again I got the official ADD diagnosis and have been taking drugs since.  I am reading thru Halloways books and they make me feel like I finally found my opporating manual.  I have really been working on my self and maying my self a better person, dad and husband.  My wife has not taken any of the attention or love that I have been putting her way.  I have to say that for the many years before this I had not been the best dad or husband.  To much time at work, not enough time with kids but the biggest complaint from my wife is that I humiliate her in public but saying inappropriate things.  I have done these things and I regret them all.  My wife can tell you about every one of them and is working with her counselor of trama therapy to get thru them.  She has not wanted to go to our counselor and is always telling me we are not a WE any more.  I have been trying my very best to show her I can change.  She will not even really talk to me about it and actually yesterday told me she is not even sure about this ADD thing and she see no difference.

I guess that is enough back ground.

So yesterday she said that she is done with me and would like me to move out.  I refuse to leave my kids.  We have agreed to keep the peace until we can get into see our consular ASAP to go from there.  Basically I think she is done with me but I do not feel she has a right to have the kids for more time that I do.

 

I was the stay at home day for 3 years when they were little.  She was stay at home one year and the rest of the time we have both worked.  I am a very involved dad.  Sure she does more household stuff that me and I did not realize how much until the ADD diagnisis and have tried to correct that.

I still love her with all of my heart and thought that we would be together for ever.  I am beginning to wonder about this since she had treated me so bad for the past 8 months.  I know now that I have had ADD for our whole relationship and have acted like her 4th child and done most of the other bad things ADD has to offer including always wanting sex from her which has been one of her major complaints.  I have never had an affair.  

Any thought?  Sorry about the bad writing.  THis is one of my problems.

 

Thanks,

John

You are not alone in this...

Getting a diagnosis of ADD is something of a shock, blessing, curse and many other things. I was diagnosed at 43 after months of depression, then the anxiety attacks began and I knew I needed something more than my General Doctor could help with. At first, I began reading about ADD and it's affects on me and everyone around me. Finally an answer to why I felt the way I did, selfish, cold, tired, terrible communicator (especially verbal), poor memory, no sense of time, compulsive spending and so on...

My wife was interested, at first, in these discoveries as they explained so much, but then she was obviously sick of hearing about it and mad that I found the "Magic Pill" and convenient excuse for bad behaviors. The pill made me feel good, I started exercising and losing weight (REAL sore subject) and it was not fair. The anger is not something that can or will go away quickly. It has been almost 2 years and we are beginning to heal. It takes a long time to learn to live in a new way, without the fog in your head. It takes a long time for the wife to begin to drop the force fields put up to protect herself from the loneliness and disappointment.

During her extreme angry phase, all I could do was read and learn about this crappy condition and try to beat this thing. I still struggle, but all you can do is try and fix yourself and try to be consistent in BS Excuse Condition that so many people joke about. ADD can be controlled through meds, therapy, knowledge and persistence. You are starting over in many ways, especially with the So Called "Trust Bucket". I told myself that I am not in control of my wife's staying or leaving, but I hoped the anger would eventually decline. Sometimes it would get so bad I thought it was over, even fairly recently, but we are hanging on and things look hopeful.

It is a long journey, but at least you seems to accept what you have been dealt and are trying to work on this, unlike so many of us guys that pretend nothing is wrong. I wish my wife would read a little on this site so she would realize she is not alone in what she has had to deal with. AND realize how many guys don't do anything around the house or with the kids, or cheat, do drugs and not think there is anything wrong. Rant over, sorry...

I wish you the best, and don't give up... This site has been a real help for me and hopefully you too can benefit from the stories here.

 

 

thank you yyz

With our counselors help yesterday it was decided that my Wife would move down stairs and we would do some kind of controlled in house separation for 3 months.  Lots of details to work out but we tell the kids today I move her downstairs.  I am very sad but like you said working on myself and my kids.  I am thinking about taking the seminar starting in Jan(The ADHD Effect In-Depth - Jump Start Your Relationship in the New Year January 4 - February 8, 2011 - The ADHD Effect In-Depth phone seminar with Melissa Orlov) I have ask my wife if she is interested and she did not show much interest.  I said that I would pay for it.  I am thinking that I will sign up for me anyway just to learn and just leave her the option to join me if she wants.  My only concern is that it might make me sadder to learn about a marriage and ADD when I  am really thinking it is to late for this one.  But I can only help me with knowing more.

 

Another separate question my wife has been very reluctant for me to tell the kids about my ADD.  I feel it might be because she does not really believe it.  What are your thoughts on telling the kids about the ADD?

 

 

Good for you...

It sounds like you are on the right track. The in house separation seems to happen regardless of whether you are sleeping in the same room or not, and it does suck.

If your wife does not seem interested in listening to the seminars, don't be surprised or too upset, because the Non-ADDer sees this as yet another "All about Me Moment" (referring to our list of self serving interests). Don't forget, for the Non-ADDer, it is hard to believe after all this time that anything is going to change. They feel we will lose interest, as always, and go back to the old habits. My wife still has her "Shields Up" most of the time. You are doing the right thing by learning more about ADD and your own version of it. I think because all the things that I describe as my ADD symptoms are things that many people have, like Hating chaos, crowds, malls, noise, commercials, rude drivers, stupid people, clutter, office party small talk, and so on... So maybe your wife does not listen in this time, but maybe she will later when she notices changes/improvements in you.

My kids noticed so much change in me that I did not see how I could not tell them something about the ADD. I did so on a separate basis based on their ages. When I first brought up the possibility of my youngest having ADD, my wife nearly Blew a Gasket! Wow... I had read so much and knew so many ways she seemed to be like me, so If I suspect my child has a medical condition I thought investigation by professionals would be a good idea???  I never brought it up again. If I can prevent my child from going through 40 years of not knowing why she feels the way she does, and there is treatment that can improve her life, I will get her help! This ADD thing does run in the family... I have one sister diagnosed with ADD, after my diagnosis and two others who suspect they might have it too. I know my dad must have it, but he won't look into it.

I might recommend your wife explaining why you seem different to them, especially after the kids notice changes.

If your wife does not "Believe in ADD", that is still probably the anger talking. Maybe there is no such thing as Bipolar Disorder or depression or any other of the mental issues that people feel sorry for those with the disorder.

It sucks that there is such a stigma about ADD, hell... I used to think the same thing. Give her time, that's all you can do.