i'm so tired. in tears. again. is this ever really going to be "joyful"? i went to the "joys in marriage" topic (or whatever it was called) and found little or no joy anywhere. i love him so much and i know he loves me deeply. in fact, his love includes a lot of clingy attachment. i see so much kindness and wonder in his heart. but i'm really afraid that we are just going to end up hating each other. or...i'm going to crawl out of this pit myself, and be so resentful that we'll split.
he's already halfway there - he asks if we should, or tells me we should, or tells me he's gonna - split and go separate ways once we recover from this financial ruin. that just makes me think, "then go now...do you really think i want to spend the next few years fixing your mistakes and supporting you so you can leave more comfortably?" followed by "see how long you'd last, and how much you'd miss me if you followed through on that threat." i don't say these things, but i want to sometimes.
he should be starting treatment soon. he's been through a battery of tests, but no follow up appointment yet. my friend with an ADD spouse keeps telling me to have strength and things will be better when he gets meds/treatment, etc. but i'm losing myself, and my mind. i try so hard. i've read most of this site (he's read nothing i've sent him), tried every bit of self-reflection and stepping up until he's in a little better shape to help. i've worked on past resentments and forgiveness. i take accountability for my mistakes and do my best to be supportive and make sure he knows all the things that i think are wonderful about him. i've done the notes, the lists, lowered my expectations (at least for now), observed and curbed nagging, had thoughtful conversations with him, and expressed small, specific needs. sometimes it seems like we make progress, except that he forgets a day later.
i'm sick of the part where he acts like the world and i owe him something. i'm falling apart. our marriage is falling apart. sometimes i think things are getting better but he doesn't agree, so i guess they aren't. he is willing to get treatment but keeps telling me that we really need is for me to get counseling and "anger management" help, and for us to go back to our non-insurance-covered marriage counselor at $235/hr that we can't afford. we saw her for a year and thousands of dollars and she could never get him to take accountability for anything. it drove her nuts.
he says he doesn't blame me for things, but he always uses me our our family as his excuses. i'm tired of feeling so inadequate, like i can never do enough, we're dragging him down and i'm just crazy. if it weren't for our gorgeous, ten-month old baby girl whom he really loves and helps with, i think we'd be split already.
where's the hope here? it's let down after let down after fight after fight after tears after tears. i'm starting to get resentful reading this website, wondering where the compromises end for the non-add spouse' and how we are supposed to be grateful for having to babysit an adult for the rest of our marriages and lives. people around me say, "let him fail." unfortunately, i've done as much of that as my family can tolerate without losing our house and everything else. so now i just take care of most everything, with very few meaningful thank you's, no voluntary apologies, and very little romance except that he wants sex all the time and pouts when he doesn't get it. i can let him fail, but he'll have to do that on his own while i take care of myself and our baby. he's put us in legal trouble and financial trouble this year in grand, ridiculous fashion (almost fatal DUI two weeks before baby was born). it's been long enough now that the remorse is gone and he blames the "system" for the fact that he doesn't have a license and that this cost us a lot of dough.
i feel bad in how poorly a light i've cast him as i vent in this message. i do love him. he is wonderful in so many ways. but he's starting to hate me. and it's breaking my heart, tearing it apart. it's breaking me. it's really hard not to hate myself in this house. i'm so scared and so hurt. and so desperate.