without meds or therapy!!! NOTHING would EVER CHANGE..

My hopes for a normal relationship with my ADHD husband is far beyond my self...I always try to make the best out of the best of times with him...he would be good for about 10 days or so then the same things would repeat it self over and over again...I am so tired and hurt,all my life I have been let down by my friends and family and then the only thing that might look up as genuine or a secure relationship( is a disaster)..My husband is/was to be my main source of happiness and comfort,which is sometimes there but then the bad side never seize to show up..

I spoke to him on several occasions about his ADHD and how this affects us,he is well aware about it and promises to seek help but never does...I NEVER nag him to do so,but tell him about it when his mood is in the normal side...it's all talk no actions...I don't trust him b/c he has this different way of thinking and who knows what he can be thinking or doing when I am not around...This is not normal for me...I am already so tired and overwhelmed by being a single mother raising two kids on my own,then a business then my own mother and uncle of whom is sick,I have to keep my eye on..I have my hands full...he acts like a child,I have to scratch his head till he fall asleep or play with his hair till he falls asleep,I have to tickle him like tickle me Elmo,it's sooo annoying.When he gets up in the morning and if it have dishes in the sink,he would go and wash them in rage b/c I did not do it first,but it's not like I don't slave enough behind him with his dirty laundry and the house cleaning,then of course when I get up on mornings I need a 10 mins to be fully awake then I would do the chores,I always do them,how about if I can drink a cup of tea first.God forbids If I get out of bed before him,he would rant and rave lunatic with anger mood swings and tantrums....my god...he would not even talk to me....I have developed a very good way to get out from the ADHD effect,I would jump in my car and go home.Sounds simple huh,but never close to that,how about the loneliness behind this,I feel all alone and this is not how this should be when you find someone that you love.

Why did god chose me to be in a dysfunctional relationship,who am I to judge him,maybe there is something for me to learn out of this,lose or gain,I am sure it is all good in the end.I am a very good person in my heart mind and soul,I never lie,cheat,steal,or do anything wrong in my life....maybe I was adolescent as a kid a bit,but I have grown out of that...ALL my life have been hard,we grew up in a very remote place where we were not at all fortunate,but god took that away and now we are soo much fortunate,I grew up under very bad influences with an alcoholic father and a nervous mother a family of mental history,I have a small portion of it where I suffer bad from panic attacks and anxiety,at this time in my life when things are going great for me with my finances and home also my kids,I need support all the way and with My ADHD husband, the last thing I need is someone who is like this right now.....I need love and support...just like him...

lovehurts....

Love hurts, your situation is very difficult

and i am very sorry to read of the challenges you have with your husband.  I feel fairly confident that there is more than ADD going on with him.  From your posts these last months,  it is very clear you are in a dysfunctional relationship.  But this comment of yours...

Why did god chose me to be in a dysfunctional relationship,who am I to judge him,maybe there is something for me to learn out of this,lose or gain,I am sure it is all good in the end.

I don't agree with at all.  This isn't the place for a religious discussion, but I believe God simply allows us the free will to make our own choices and allows us to suffer the consequences of any poor decisions we make.  It isn't all his 'plan' to let us suffer, but more of a 'you reap what you sow' situation according to my reading of the Bible.

I think it could be a dangerous way to think 'that God chose this for you' because if you truly believe a god who you love has chosen this for you, you might feel inclined to put with up a never-ending amount of crap from this man and this relationship simply because he was chosen for you.  If you accept that you chose him, and you are responsible for making into a relationship you can be happy in, then the whole paradigm changes.

The truth is that you chose him. You love him, and your relationship is dysfunctional.  I hope he loves you, but his behavior as you write about it does not seem consistent with any truly loving relationships that I understand.  From your posts here, you swing between wanting to stay with him and wanting to leave him because he'll never change.  At this moment, he does not seem inclined to change :(  Therefore, what can you do to clean up your side of this relationship?

As far as your requirements for love, support, happiness--those are basic needs. Nothing at all wrong with having them.  Is he ever able to provide these things?

This statement is putting too much on him in my opinion...

My husband is/was to be my main source of happiness and comfort,

We are all responsible for our own happiness. I believe there is great happiness to be found in marriage, and that is probably what you mean by what you typed, but I do think it's important that we not make another person the source of our happiness....that is just too much for any other person to do.

I think you only real option here is to work on your own reactions (which frankly I don't think are the biggest part of the problem) to his behavior.

It sounds to me like you are primarily responsible for your 2 children, your business, your separate home, and 2 sick family members.  And on top of this, you both feel you should be responsible for the cleaning and chores to be done at his house?  And he is enraged if he is required to do any of these things because you haven't already gotten to them?!?!?!

If I am misreading, I apologize.  I do have trouble following your posts sometimes since you tend to write when you are upset (I do the same so I understand!)

I think more than anything you need boundaries in your relationship.  You have such an odd setup for your marriage (not judging) but since I don't understand the point of having a marriage if you have to maintain separate residences, I am not sure how much of your difficulty is a result of your setup and how much comes from your reactions to each other.  The way I read it, you have maintained your own home and therefore can leave when he gets to be too much/too difficult/too enraged. 

I can tell you that I totally believe that we teach people how to treat us.  They will deliver what we will accept, but their respect for us will vary based on whether we allow them to mistreat us.

A few boundaries I would have if I lived in your situation....

1.  I clean my house and you clean yours.

2.  Treat me with respect or I will not engage with you

3.  You will make an appointment by X date (or depending on how impaired he is with no therapy/meds you can agree to call for an appointment) which he agrees to keep and/or have you attend together.  I was involved in all my husband's diagnosis appointments because they didn't want to only trust the opinion of a person with a self-analysis issue.

I can't remember what his history is with diagnosis and if he has tried any or responded to any meds, but getting some type of help is a necessary prong to making your relationship work. 

 

Dear Aspen,

My relationship is very difficult indeed.I have spent my last 1 year and a half trying to make this relationship work with my husband.I tried very hard in every which way possible.I have not gained any sort of outcome.As far as if he loves me,oh yes he does loves me there is no doubt in my mind he does not love me,I think he can't control this disorder he has with his controlling behaviors and horrible temperament,he has always been a very angry person when I met him but at the time it was not at me,it was a past life of mishaps and misfortunes on his behalf,nothing to do with me,but as time went on and on he became angry with me cause there was no one else for him to blame or be angry with,Only me.

I think that he is a good person in general but can't show it or won't show it b/c of all the built up anger he carries around with him.We live separately b/c he has his very controlling ways and I can't have him live at my house.My Mother is the owner presently until she passes then it would go to me or my kids if I pass also.I have a 9 year old daughter and a 16 year old son and my house is consist of 3 bedrooms which leaves my son with his room and my daughter keeps switching from my room to my Mothers room,which leaves no room for my husband.When he lived here which he did for 6 months it was chaos,he would lock the bedroom door and my daughter could not get in,then he would pick fights with me nit picking at anything he can make up a fight about.He would never help pay bills,or buy food.Then he would blame me for not letting him find a place to feel like a man.

I helped him save some money and he left.The money he saved was from his own hard work,but in order to have it save the way I did,I float him through the month with his lunch and gas money.I did it b/c I loved him.I did it b/c he is soo talented and I always knew that he would not forget what I did for him.He has not forgotten,in fact he helped me a lot with things around the house I needed fixing and so on.But that does not take away the monster every 2 weeks when it appears.I only chose to use the godly terms b/c the bible also said "what god has put together let no man put asunder"and I am a Muslim,but I have Christians friends,and the then I would think that WAW!! the man that is putting "asunder" is the man himself.What a contradiction.But I am NOT criticizing.

The chores I would do at his place I take pleasure in doing it b/c I love him, and I have no problem with doing them.He does not burden me to cook,he cooks all the food,it's not always bad,but like I said,it's the controlling and bad temperament that has him looking like a monster,or is a monster.I s he monster? YES,every two weeks,is he charming? YES,every other week.It's never stable and that's enough to run me far far away...

I thank you for your advice with the setting of the boundaries,I have set up some but they don't last,he would stop for a bit then continue.Maybe b/c he lives alone and away from me he thinks he can be and do what he wants,but then again he is not taking me himself or the relationship seriously.I don't think that my husband and myself would be together for long again,it's only so much one person can take.I can give it my best shot,but the best have been made.

thank you Aspen,please continue to post on my threads and help me in this difficult time in my life.

lovehurts.