Hi all,
I am always looking for advice on why feel the way I do is it me or the ADHD? Ive done some reading and found that Women and men generally have different symptoms to each other especially when it comes to parenting and my marriage. I have ADHD and be anything from superwoman or Bambi to the hulk or crying heap of mess. Hormones are involved life stress contributes and a whole other mix of things. What I am reaching out for here is what other mothers and wives who suffer from ADHD experience and what are their partners experiences. I want to know more about relationships when the female has ADHD and not the male.
I want to equip myself with more knowledge to get a hold on what I have struggled with all my life and potentially help others in the process.
Christine
My wife is in denial, but
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Our parenting coach brought up my wife's ADHD to me, not the other way around.
My wife thought parenting would be easy and she would be THE BEST MOM EVER!!!!!! Needless to say, it was not easy. Her efforts to be the BEST often prevented her from being good. In the worst form, if the kids were not perfect, then she must be a horrible mother, but she can't be a horrible mother, so it must mean that there is a major problem with the kids!!! Her anger got so bad at times (also directed at me) that I thought she had BPD. She had wildly different standards for each of us. I said "boo" and I was a child abuser. She flew off the hand and it was OK. She had wildly changing standards and expectations for me. One day, I was wrong for yelling at the kids and the next I was wrong for not yelling at the kids. I also believe that she did a lot of harm to them by frequently invalidating them. (She did this a lot to me, too.) Another problem was consistent inconsistency with the kids. No video games for the rest of the day! I spend all day saying no to video games, only to have her come home and say yes to videogames. She rapidly escalated punishments to the degree that they were completely out of proportion, not related to the misbehavior, and ultimately unenforceable. She always had to get the last word in and frequently brought old problems while trying to solve current ones. She had a ready aim fire approach. Arguing with one kid? Start blaming the other kid for their behavior and attack Dad for good measure so he can't work with you. She also engaged in some very abuses behavior toward me in front of the kids. She has gotten somewhat better after starting mood stabilizers, and I was seriously thinking of getting divorced before that change happened. I still think she would be much happier herself if she would just admit she has ADHD and get it treated.
I can relate to your wife
Submitted by clpeploe on
I always feel like unless i give my children every inch of myself i am failing them and being a bad mother. What i have actually learnt about myself is that i need own time as space to myself and have my own identity, not just mum. I used to feel so guilty or like i was failing but after working with my therapist She made me realise i put all this unnecessary pressure on myself and by taking care of me im actually a better mother for it.
ADHD is such a challenge and it has very similar symptoms to BPC, the thing is its hard to control and sometimes you just feel helpless. You end up in and endless loop of self scruitiny and lash out. Its tough for you as the partner my husband has enjoyed the best and worst but we have both figured out recently when stress is low life is better.
Just a note on her standards- generally as a child if was told i could be amazing if i used my potential, i could do so well if i applied myself and so on....
i know i am capable of so many things but the adhd has created this hurdle that i don't understand. imagine being full of so much ability but not able to quite harness it and always have people make assumptions about you.
it can be lonely for both of you. The thing is if you believe she had ADHD, arm yourself with as much knowledge about ADHD in women, harness your ultimate patience and actively reduce stress you may just able to get her to calm down enough to reflect rather than being in this endless cycle of mood swings, stress and unrealistic expectations of herself and everyone.
Thank you for your perspective and i hope i gave you a bit of insight from the other side....?
Just wait for menopause
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Just when you think it can't get worse... Menopause is like pouring gasoline on that campfire.
Hahahaha
Submitted by clpeploe on
Great! Hahaha! in the lead up to my days.... i was a lunatic and one day after i am mellow yellow...bizarre
Links!
Submitted by Sollertiae on
This is an awesome blog that deals with lived ADHD in general, women and black women in particular. Great community around it as well: https://blackgirllostkeys.com/
@danidonovan on twitter is also great. She makes cartoons, but you will find that she talks a lot about her own experience, symptoms and women.
If I see something on parenting, will add.
Thank you!
Submitted by clpeploe on
I will take a look, thank you . X
I love what you wrote....I want to equip myself...:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I will try to give you some information about the dynamic in our home in hopes it will be a help for you.....Will come back later....So busy this morning.....
c
So, LOL...When I think about our 11 + years marriage and giving you information about our dynamic's, I need to make a few (maybe obvious, but very important non the less) points...One, everyone is different...Add/adhd minded folks tend to have very similar tendencies, that can make their spouses when reading another spouse's comments, about their mates, say YES YES YES, you have been looking in my window! LOL...But even though, we are all still different, Especially when it comes to communication ability, and the willingness to be accepting of each others realities....WE ALL add/adhd or not, have our thoughts and feelings about life, what we feel is right for us individually, and for our relationships....So some of our dynamics you will notice, are formed out of our huge differences in the way we view life, and in what we are capable of in life....(Capable here doesn't mean completely capable, it means, what we are willing to discipline our life to, so that we can be counted on, on a consistent bases, if you get what I am saying)....example...My wife is very messy, BUT, if a holiday is coming, or company is coming, she knock herself out (double up on her adderall) cleaning (and some hiding:) ) the day before or the day of the event or the arrival of our guests......Let's look at my feelings about this (my thinking)....If she can be this efficient, when she don't want to be embarrassed...Wouldn't it be just as easy to learn to pick up and clean up as you go?? See that works for me, it's how my Mom demanded we live, so it's how I think and live....But, she isn't capable or isn't will, one are the other....Her distraction level scares her, so she has built in survival techniques...This is an example of the hour before she leaves for work....I hear her alarm ringing, and her hitting snooze for 45 minutes or so...So when she has about 45 minutes left before she has to be at work...If she isn't up, I will walk back there, push the door open, and say, arere you up?....She will jump up and excitedly say, what time is it!...I will calmly tell her....She will ask me to do things, fix her a sandwich or get some bottle waters and bag them up...And if she can't find her bra, or purse, she will ask me if I've seen it...LOL...I usually help her watch the clock, and remind her she needs to get out the door....(I'm retired by the way)....So for the past several months, I just lay down my book, pause the TV, or stop what I'm doing...Go to the door and hold it open, (she usually has both hands full, her purse weights 30 pounds, hoarding tendency ;)) kiss her goodbye, remind her to drive safely and that I love her....(Typical evening, she goes in at 7:30 PM.....10 hour shifts)....
We have to have a lot of boundaries in marriage, because we can't communicate very well at all....She want talk about things that are sensitive in nature....(what God wants from us as a married couple, her add, her adderall, her messy hoarding, her desire to control, her desire to live like she is single, which is really just her independence etc......She just justifies most every decision she makes, and in order to limit the conflict, (which always occurs when you try to speak into a closed mind) I just put boundaries on my self to accept her like she is, so I can live my life w/o stress from wanting what isn't possible...
She loves frivolity....She loves to visit kids, grand kids, she loves to travel, she loves to gather up w/ family and friends and play games...(most anything that don't take work ;))...She's negative about sex, but, if she agree's (which she will once or twice a week, if she's not pouting about something:)) she always wants me to give her an O, and a massage, which I'm fine with, her body is my responsibility, my favorite one I might add ;).....
We don't share finance's, she does pay half of the common bills (complains about it though)...We struggle a good bit on vacations, she and I want different things....She hyper focus bad on people, places and things....I'm more about us sharing....So because on the inattention that can't help but happen when she is in hyper focus mode, I don't encourage change for us.....When we travel, when we have company, weddings, births, event's that she is into, all cause hyper focus....So I've learned to expect it, and either have alternate plans for myself, or just kiss her good bye and tell her to be careful....
The boundaries have really helped....She didn't like them at all in the beginning...When I told her I wasn't going certain places w/ her (where conflict was 90 percent for sure to happen) she would cuss when she couldn't control or manipulate me into something LOL.......People who demand to have their way and justify it, can get very ugly when they have to considerate of others....She will behave (be considerate) when we are around others (adult children or friend) but when it's just us, she has no problem wanting what she wants, no matter my feelings...So to force her to see herself, and to limit hurtful and damaging arguments, I just hold to my boundaries.....If she pouts, she pouts...But this type forced accountability has really helped us to have a more sane (peaceful life together) relationship.....I've found it way better to accept what is possible, and keep our interactions peaceful or not at all....
I could write a book about our difference's....If you have any questions about specifics in the relationship, feel free to ask...
Blessings
c
Can’t Wait
Submitted by clpeploe on
Thank you... i look forward to hearing it!
Amazing! Thank you
Submitted by clpeploe on
This has made my day! Your wife and I have much in common but more importantly we both have amazing and supportive partners who try to understand and love us even at our worst! So Thank you and my Husband!
Thank you for sharing you info on boundaries and I am going to have chat with mine. He doesn't let me get away with everything but sometimes i feel like I can be so wrapped up in the moment I don't pause to consider what im doing to him and then I feel frustrated.
Have a wonderful day and congratulations on your successful partnership ans marriage!