Wonderful boyfriend with ADHD who keeps disappearing! Please help me understand this behavior.

Hi all. This is my first post, although I've been reading through a lot on this website for the last month. I have been dating a truly wonderful guy for the last 4 months. He told me right away that he has ADD and is working with a behavioral therapist. He seems very sincere about the therapeutic work he's doing. He's 51 and I'm 50. We're both divorced with kids the same age (who adore each other), and we're both busy professionals fairly wrapped up in our careers. I never experienced the hyper-focus dating period as others on here have described - I think we're both too busy for that, and maybe also just cautious due to our divorce experiences. For the first few months we saw each other pretty regularly once a week, and we talked every day, often multiple contacts a day through texting and email... we grew close and comfortable with each other, and I think really very happy. But about a month ago two important projects of his at work began to place more demands on him, and he began to feel tremendous pressure as a result. He became afraid and nervous that he wouldn't be able to succeed in these projects. He feared for his future. I have been working very hard to put my needs on the back burner during this period, and to be supportive. A month is truly nothing in the larger scheme of things. But for the past few weeks he has almost entirely shut me out. We saw a movie together two weeks ago and spent an hour talking and at the end of that I felt sure of his feelings for me, and understood that he was truly needing space to do his work. But he hasn't replied to a single phone call, email, or text since then, even when my car broke down, even when I wrote that I understood how busy he was and how much I wished to support him - but that I needed him to simply reply with a quick xo, even when I just asked him how he was doing and was he ok? When I saw him two weeks ago it was after a week of silence like this, and I told him that I thought his silence meant he didn't like me anymore. He was VERY surprised that I thought that and told me he thinks about me all the time.

What does this behavior mean and how do you suggest I deal with it? I want to support his work but our relationship is so new I fear he is gone when he's so silent. I'm just not sure if I should keep my distance like I've been doing, or if I should get more vocal or if I should just accept this as lack of continued interest and let him go. It seems to me that in his life the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I am just not the squeaky wheel type and I really very much want for him to feel acceptance and support from me while also honoring myself. I want to give him space to do his work, but I also want him to communicate with me to some degree!

Please help! thank you so much!

My opinion

If I guy I'd been dating for a few months didn't contact me at all for two weeks I'm pretty sure I would be out of there.  It sort of reeks of "he's just not that into you".  However, if you feel this is truly not the case, or wish to give him one more chance, I would basically "lay down the law" and tell him that it is completely unacceptable to not contact you at least daily and see you at least whatever-you-feel-is-right, say twice a week or something.  I have heard of people with ADHD just not understanding that a certain amount of contact is necessary to maintain a relationship, so telling him straight out could help.  If he can't do that - why would you want to hang around?

(sorry if I seem harsh)

I understand

Hey I know this post was a while ago but I understand how you are feeling/felt completely.

I've been looking for help with this too because this is happening to me but way longer than what you are saying because this woman I am seeing is in the process of becoming a doctor AND her mother is very sick in the hospital  right now. I don't think he doesn't care about you but truly is swamped with work. I know people say if someone really cares about you they will make sure to communicate with you all the time but in this case the saying I don't think applies in the same way.

If this makes you feel better since this girl I've been seeing's ( who has an extremely high case of ADHD) mother has been in the hospital for the past month I've had only one phone call and a few texts and I went through a lot of heart ache thinking she doesn't care even though in that phone call she told me she did. And not to mention she had been crazy absolutely crazy about me when we first started ( went out of her way A LOT just to spend time with me) and so I have been totally confused just like you to this NO communication whatsoever. I feel like I would believe what he says and let him do his work until he can get back to you even though the waiting game sucks because he probably cannot focus on you right now at all. Maybe try to give him a couple of calls or reach out with some supportive texts and hope for the best but don't expect to get anything right away all the time or often/at all cause it just sounds like with his ADHD and his priorities, he is "gone" temporarily.

I understand your frustration and all you can do is try to look at the situation from a different glance because well if he told you he was crazy about you and you sincerely felt that and he proved it through his attention on you its not like a hit and run thing he really means it I believe! I think all you can do is have patience and if you want to lay down the law go for it but no communication from him I'm almost positive doesn't mean he doesn't care. At least in this situation the "proving" they care about you through communication doesn't come easily/naturally......good luck if you are still in the situation! I feel your pain/confusion all i can say is have some faith!