Wondering whether anyone has tried scheduling sex?

Hi all-

Would love people to weigh in on this:

Like many others here, my DH and I struggle with our sex life a bit (he is ADD and wants it all the time, I am the non and don't want it as often b/c we're still trying to work our way out of the parent-child dynamic). Our counselor suggested that we consider scheduling sex, which is something I've heard has worked for other couples...but I have some concerns.

Pros: DH would know that he'd get the 3 times a week he's been asking for (if we agree on 3, that is), so he wouldn't feel compelled to try for it every single day. If he doesn't try for it every day, I may feel like he's interested in me for reasons other than sex, which would hopefully bring us closer (like, we'd be able to watch a movie on the couch together without him trying anything). If we feel closer, I would be more likely to initiate sex (another complaint of his--I "never" initiate...another instance where perception isn't reality). Another bonus--if he doesn't push for it every day, I won't have to turn him down almost every day, so his self-esteem should improve a bit, too, right? So overall, I think it could work.

Here are the cons, though: What if scheduling it makes it less exciting, like if the planning makes it feel like a job (to either of us)? And I often think that one main reason he helps with certain things is that he's trying to get me in the mood (I can't quite explain this b/c it's not that I'm accusing him of thinking that emptying dishwasher = sex, but I have noticed a pattern of him trying for it more after he does something around the house...), so what if he stops doing things around the house b/c he feels like he doesn't need to work for it anymore? Also, for DH, if our sex life is good, then everything else is good--he's said this is really all he needs. So I'm concerned that if he feels good about us and sees everything as good, he'll be less likely to work on improving things between us. B/c I need much more than sex--I need to feel like I have a partner with whom I can talk and laugh and learn...and I don't think those things will automatically follow just b/c we have more sex.

Has anyone tried scheduling sex? And if so, has it worked at all or made things more difficult?

Thanks in advance for your insight!

scheduling sex worked for my

scheduling sex worked for my husband and i. when we had 5 kids at home!! older kids would take the younger kids to the movies. we did it like DATE NIGHT, except we didn't have to go anywhere!! I'm the ADHD person in this marriage. It was nice just to have 2hrs of alone time,and very great sex too!! hope you work things out!!

Scheduled sex?

It didn't work for us. It seemed like all my ex could really consistently concentrate on was trying to get sex. In his words, he was always trying because, "What if tonight was the night, and I missed it?" He couldn't understand that it could be a normal outgrowth of feeling close (at ANY time) -- he seemed to think my desire came from a sudden spurt of hormones that no one could predict, and he had to be sure he didn't miss it. At my requests, we tried scheduling. He was pretty content with it, but it didn't help me at all. He wasn't sweet on his "off-nights." He just ignored me those days! Plus I couldn't respond to him because of a lack of trust, which results in a lack of intimacy. I felt used, so eventually I just couldn't perform on the nights I had promised him sex. So the issue wasn't really having or not having sex. It was that he wanted me to bypass my need to trust him before I could open up to him. Some nights I cried, and he didn't notice. Some nights I drank, and he didn't care.  I just couldn't do it.

Ya know, I can't help but think these hyper-sexed guys are feeding the fire with porn. 2 counselors now have said my ex was a sex addict. Just like a drug addict, as soon as they had a "hit", they had to start looking for the next one. Where most guys seem to mellow for a few days after sex, I found that sex made my ex grouchier for the next days. I think it just made him start ruminating on what he thought he wasn't getting but thought he was entitled to.

ADD guy here...

I would love to have a basic schedule for sex, but scheduling it just seems wrong to me. There was another post where they felt like it was like "Work", meetings are schedules, projects start and stop and so on. 

As an ADDer, my particular addictions are fairly standard as they are in Dr. Hallowell's books: Sex (Really, physical contact of non-sexual nature too), Food and buying toys (Anything Tech or car related). My diagnosis and treatment at age 43 (3 years ago) really changed my life and it is still evolving. The Adderall really helps me with the impulsive spending and eating, which is great, but the chemical reactions from physical contact with my DW is still in quite a depleted state. Scheduling sex would just add pressure to my DW, which I don't want to add AND scheduling would be just like "Pity Sex" which I don't like the idea of anyway. For years I've been aware of how important it is to talk/listen to my DW, hand hold, sit next to, put away the phone/laptop when she is in the room, basically pay attention to her. This has not changed anything, if she cannot relax it is not going to happen, so we are stuck averaging about once every 5 or 6 weeks. Crappy is an understatement...

So... Since I guess I'm Hyper-Sexual (Though not unreasonable) I'd be ecstatic if we did 3 times a week. To the "Porn" thoughts... I have Never in my life really gave a crap about porn, whether it's internet, video or magazine. This is just FAKE to me and I have Zero interest in it. Nobody believes me, especially my DW, that I hate going to Strip Clubs. Again, It's FAKE, beer is expensive and the girls just want my money. And for what? Nothing, other than the beating I'd take coming home afterwards, even if it was a bachelor party. I'm in a great mood on days following sex and only get grouchy when 4+ weeks goes by.

I love my DW and just wish this area could improve, like the many other areas since my treatment began. 

Sex addict tendencies

Katinak2, Lynnie70, and YYZ, thank you for your replies and willingness to share your experiences.

My DH has sex addict tendencies (I don't think he would ever turn into one of those people who just wants sex with anyone, regardless of other factors); he has an almost insatiable desire. I know he uses porn, and it's been an on-and-off again source of conflict and tension for us. I do agree with your comparison of the "hit"--my DH won't mellow after sex, either. He doesn't get grouchy, but he will try even harder for it. For instance, if we have sex in the early evening, he'll try again at bedtime. Or if we have sex at bedtime, he'll try again at 6 am when we wake up. I find it exhausting, to be quite honest (not the sex itself, but his constant need for it). It does leave me feeling kind of used, or rather, not quite special. Like, if this is really his main need, anyone could satisfy this--there's nothing special about me, nothing inherently unique about me that makes me the right partner for him. And it's strange, it does feel good to be wanted. I can't imagine what it would feel like if my DH never wanted sex. But it doesn't feel good to be wanted only in this way. He tells me often how beautiful I am, which is flattering, but he never comments on my intelligence, kindness, patience, compassion, drive, strength...and it just makes me wonder what, exactly, he loves about me.

veg_girl,relating to the sex addict,

My husband is a sex addict also,but I guess what makes this interesting with him is that we don't live together ,and during the week we are either too beat after work or tired and then I have to get home at a certain time to prepare my work for the next day.The timing for us during the week is off,by ten at nights that's when he is ready and I am home already,so he is now addicted to porn,and that is/ was very hard for me and it really bothered me a lot,but now I am much more better since I took myself away from him emotionally concerning the porn,it was only bringing down my health and I could not have done anything about it, so I just quit.

We tried scheduling sex since we could not have done it during the week, since I don't live by him and we are too tired or I get back home too early,but that never worked for us,for me it felt too weird,so we never went through with it,it felt like it was a chore or duty so I never had that conversation with him again.He wanted it to be that way but I find it to be rather"bound to do"kind of thing ,and not always I would be in the mood.

To me I think sex is supposed to happen when it is to happen,like the right moment,timing,romance ,things like that.But I am a romantic kind of girl and everyone is different.

When the weekends come we would have sex like 3 to 5 times for a day,sat/sun, so by time Monday it's him with his porn and me with my kids.I think the porn is to give me a rest,that's how I look at it now.I am glad I don't live with him for now,I really can't handle tooo much sex all at once.

I hope I was some help to you.

lovehurts.