Working into a CS.-venty...

Ok.  so here I am again, very very grateful for this site btw, cause without it I would have known for sure "I" Was the CRAZY One.  Not that my soon to be ex is crazy it was just his fav way of shutting me up. 

Ok..so I've read things, thought seriously about our breakup and decided to keep on going through with it.  I don't know if I can get the man I married back I do know that I need to get ME back.  Survival actually.  So going through with it.  Last night he comes home and want us to file separately for our taxes.  I was stunned.  He tells me..Oh I want to get the separation done right away and filing this way..you might owe money but you can get an extension to pay.  Ok..I freak out because 1. I don't have the money. 2. He doesn't want me to claim the children on my taxes but he will 3. He makes 4 times the amount i do.  I am already nervous about surviving financially but figure at least with the Chaos gone I will have a better chance even if I'm poor and must go on welfare until I can get on my feet.   I ask him WHY?  He tells me it is because we've already moved our finances separate!  NO.  I started a saving acct and got my piddly PT check deposited into it because after being evicted! I HAD TO COUNT on the ability to feed my kids OR pay rent.  BTW this account is almost drained by him coming to me after NOT making a budget and OOPSIE going through all the money..somehow.  So I've paid Rent, the Phone bill, bought groceries, underwear for the kids..you know the little things that they NEED>   He is angry that I did this, because it is "sneaky" and shows I don't trust him.  Ya think?..

If we filed together the fact is I wouldn't owe that much if anything at all. but because he is in ahurry..gotta do taxes RIGHT NOW.  Gotta move out RIGHT NOW like you demanded...then he is going to rush into it and once again I will be left holding the bag.  If he could wait..until Tomorrow..the 31st.  I'd have my tax info (company has them out by then) and we could do the taxes. but no..Mr. I'm getting my life in order with Meds and YOU (wife) aren't going to hold me up!  I am simply undone.  How can he not see that this is just more of the impulsivity but this time with an excuse.  TAXES are noted on my calendar.  I must do what is on my calendar to succeed. 

ARGH ARGHH ARGH  This is after I spent 2 years..saying hey we got to get therapy..hey I am giving you 3 months/4 months/12 months to get your life together. HEY HEY HEY

So once again I suffer. (Yeah a bit of self pity here- I am so damned tempted to take off, file taxes on my own AND Claim the kids but this would leave HIM in a lurch owing..and we've done our dance with the IRS during the marriage due to ...guess who not filing!   I KNOW that without my enabling he will suffer. BTW his truck which I Cassandra's about and offered him the money from my checking acct to get fixed got an orange tag on it.  He has 2 weeks to register it OR they are towing.  Mind you we had the money in OCTOBER to pay it.  He refused.  I OFFERED out of my acct and he refused.  Now I no longer can make that offer and guess what..OH MI G(D Someone stickered the truck. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW!!!

Vent again I know, but it seems everytime things somewhat settle and we can do this in a human way..up pops his ADHD or his Butthead self.  I have also been sick with the stomach flu for the weekend.  The kids were sick last week, I stayed home and took care of them because Mr. I gotta new job didn't want to use his sick time. so I lost a week at his request.  Didn't make my piddly 120.00 for the week, was sick.  You can imagine the state of the house.  He comes in last night at midnight.  The kids are up watching tv. I went to bed with a throwup bucket and he bangs open the door and starts demanding stuff.  I was like ugghhh...

He stomps out and then I hear him start yelling at the kids.  My daughter comes up and asks me to go downstairs and do "something" with him cause he is being mean to them.  I stagger downstairs to play referree and turns out the teen had snapped I hate you to the tween.  The tween asked dear old dad why teen hates her. His loving response/teen behavior correction technique is to tell my tween...  She hates you because you were born.   Excellent.   So at midnight I am sick, Chaos in the house, reeling over the tax thing and puking my guts up.  Oh and him...sitting on the couch. (walked in and turned off the beloved anime show the kids wait all week for and had special permission to stay up and watch) watching the history channel with papers spread all over the place.  This has got to get better.  It must.  I feel terribly overwhelmed and alone and sickly.  The house is disgusting and it is affecting me terribly.  so today.. got up.  Massive intestinal trouble, found my son up.  Apparently There was no bedtime enforced by dear old dad. Put him to bed and started Laundry and digging the kitchen out from me being "unavailable" for the weekend.  I've got to get the kids to start helping my plan was us to gently start today but the older kids are in a coma upstairs..No idea when he sent them to bed but it sure wasn't after the program.   So again a long vent and I'm sorry but I can't tell anyone about how I am living right now.  I am soo ashamed.  My house looks like a hoarder's house.  I try to push it back but without routines that everyone can stick to I am a mere scullery maid.  The kids take their cue from him of course.  They could CRAP on the table and if he is here they wouldn't bother to clean it up cause hey..nothing is noticed/said.  If I am up and around not so much as a wrapper gets thrown on the floor.   BUT I have to constantly patrol and remind.  I hate being this kind of a mom. 

OK enough B*tchin.  so..off to put clothing in the dryer and start washing another load of dishes.  I will get through this.  I will get him out of the house.  I will institute routines.  Cause hey I can FIRE a babysitter that doesn't follow through on bedtimes right?  We will get out of this.  

I wanted so much for the medication to make him better, but he is still a controlling, nasty domineering jack.  After the ENTIRE household was in an uproar everything then he was sitting back relaxing.  I felt like...oooh...just ..OOOHH.  But I got everyone comforted and slunk upstairs to puke some more.  It is down to getting our taxes now..Truthfully I AM scared if I can make it alone.  I don't make so much money and the kids needs are pretty high.  I am going to try to get a decent amount of support from him (Court ordered and collected) that we can make it on our own.  But still I shiver at the thought but I can 't do nights like last night anymore.  Simply cannot. 

Im done

Lady, I am done FOR YOU!!

Lady, I am done FOR YOU!! After reading that I don't see how you could possibly continue this way. You have to get some space between you and him especially because of the damage it is doing to the kids to live with his chaos.

I would advise, if at all possible (even if you have to call legal aide) to seek the advice of an attorney before letting him just file taxes and claim all of the kids. In my state, you either rotate years filing them or you split them (you claim 1, he claims 1). Do you think he is doing this just to 'stick it to you' kind of thing?

Peace in the household comes to mean so much when you live without it for so long....so I am praying for you and your kids that once he's gone you'll be able to start healing and will be able to feel better emotionally and physically.

Please keep us posted and rant all you want. I don't feel like I have a lot of advice to offer, but I did read and my heart does go out to you. I think at this point you're doing the right thing by insisting he leave to restore peace in the family. If he wants to put in some hard work on himself later, great...if not, then at least you aren't living in this chaos anymore.

Sherri

Argh

Thanks SherriW13

I am so so appreciative of the ear out there.   Part of the problem is the isolation.  I feel so very ashamed of the state of the house plus just trying to clean, keep up, deal with the kids, school project, my work, my PT job everything.  I don't have friends come over anymore.  In fact I think I only have 2 friends left here. I used to have so many..so many friends, interests.. a whole life.  I KNOW that I am a part of the problem, that I should have done something sooner, thought of ADHD, or threatened to leave something sooner other than enabling and nagging.  I know that being bitter and nasty and down isn't the way to be either but I am kinda stuck.  I am pinning my hopes on getting him out of the house, instituting routines, places for things to belong and getting the kids to follow through.   I am trying not to hate him for breaking my heart with his carelessness.  But I feel so hurt, so worthless as a female...I just want to crawl into a hole and die, BUT I cannot.  I have the kids to be strong for. I am going to CREATE a Decent Life no matter what it takes.   I just want to get to a point where I can wake up and go about the day without having to scrub a cup before I can have coffee, take up food wrappers, dirty dishes before I can sit on the couch, dress in clean clothes that have been hung up and shower in a bathroom that is not littered with books/paperwork pens etc...I feel so shallow in a sense, but I cannot do any more than I have.  I have nothing left to give.  Thank you so much for your words.  At least one other human in the world hears me. 

I hope to G-d that once he is out of the house, and I've got things calmer I will be able just to sit in peace without the stress/worry etc and that making him leave and putting the kids through a separation WILL BE WORTH IT.  I Long for peace..just a normal quiet day where if something goes wrong it is a minor thing that can be handled calmly and without stress.   A bump in the day, NOT THE DEAD STOP.  

Again thanks much Sherri, I will try to get better about being mad. HAHAHA..seems a long way off at times, but I want the kids to be happy and calm.  To know a loving environment even if He can't be on board with the calm part of it.

Imdone

Taxes

You two were married and living together at the end of 2010, right? Then he can't claim separate. I'm guessing he won't follow through and this will be OK. A preparer wouldn't let him claim all the kids if you guys were together at the end of 2010 and most ADHDers can't face the tax forms on their own.

Best of luck to you. You need to get some peace in your life. Vent again if you want to.

Wow! Taxes

I just read your post. I think you are so finished, done, kaput with your DH that you will find the strength and resources to make your new family work.  You are right, the kids need structure in their life, they need peach in their home, they need a parent who is acting in their best interests (remember the underwear? yes, a parent would make sure their kids have what is needed, no matter what).

I think the taxes issues is a ploy by your DH. It sounds like he is talking and spewing words in hopes that you will be scared by them and just give him what he wants.  Consult that IRS webpage and look to see what he is talking about or see an accountant - at this time of the year there are a lot of places that are willing to do consults for families in destress - check with your county courthouse for resources.

Financially, you have the right idea.  He will be made to pay child support - money will be tight; but it sounds like money is tight now. The kids will adjust to the difference in living - the calm and peaceful home and healthy mom will make the money a non issue for them.

I love how you have so much strength and determination - you have put in the time and effort to make this marriage work - sometimes you have to know when to call it a day.

Best wishes to you and please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us up to date on things.