a while ago I posted something here about when to divorce my husband who has ADHD. I got some feedback which was helpful. I have decided to go into counseling myself and even the therapist saw the amount of anger and resentment as a key point. However for me what was driving behing alot of the anger and resentment was a lot of anxiety. I never know what to expect day to day living with someone like this. I am now on an anti-anxiety medication. I walk...I do yoga... I now go to al-anon meetings..and she advised me to get away from him if he does stuff that is pushing my buttons (like go read or something). So far this is working.
My guard is dropping a little to the point I don't even yell at him when he tells me he loves me and telll him to stop telling me that.
my focus is on me and my future now and it doesn't so much matter if he is in it or not. I"m not pushing him away or activily yelling at him anymore like I was. I am more happy this way. Not to mention I'm getting physically healthier.
He responds to this by stating good for you. I do feel we lack intamacy. I don't see him much through out the week. And instead I'm finding other things to do that are positive so I'm not watching him space out and feeling rejected. OR I"m not begging him for his attention and hearing him say that he is just so tired from work. He only has so many hours home from work before he goes to bed and the guality of the hours he gives me is rather poor. So instead I moved on and gave up. My old best friend doesn't want to play "ball anymore." So I guess I"m in morning now. But at least I'm not neglecting myself sitting in the sandbox alone anymore. I've moved on.
thanks for reading.
Good for you Susie78
Submitted by vcalkins on
There have been times when I really needed a friend that would give me the time and attention that my husband couldn't. You can't just go to the "friend store". I made it my goal to be a good friend to someone else....find out what they needed that I could give to them. And when that friend acknowledges what you do and who you are.....wow. Not a friend of the opposite sex!
Susi78, "my focus is on me
Submitted by brendab on
"my focus is on me and my future now and it doesn't so much matter if he is in it or not"
I read somewhere, maybe on this forum, that we must put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help anyone with theirs. You are doing the right thing by focusing on you and your future first.
"My old best friend doesn't want to play "ball anymore." So I guess I"m in morning now"
This is one of the saddest things I have seen written here. You are being so honest about how his behavior cuts deeply into your soul. It is a good thing to face your pain directly and honestly. When you are stronger you might try to figure out WHY he doesn't want to play ball anymore. It may have nothing to do with you.
Relationships are so complicated. You sound like a very strong person who has figured out some fundamental truth about what you must do. Keep taking care of yourself.
where are you now?
Submitted by dina123 on
Hi, Brenda, your comment sounded very calm, and experienced, sort of I had pass data and I'm much better now. Right now I see my self as almost closing the circle, I have pass the anger, frustration, depression, hoplessness, calm, denial, anger, anger and more pain. Just in the recent months I saterted to undarstand that he is really sick or broken and most likely won't be fixed, and much less by me, I don't feel so much that horrible anxiety of trying to control where he is and what is he doing to try to stop any messes and chaos he brings to our family. I'm starting to detach my self, don't worry or be surprised at the things he does, I'm still not sure I'm staying in the relationship since is very complicated to leave having a young family and very small income. I still struggle to keep our finances protected since he is a gambler an shopoholic, He keeps stealing my credit card that is just on my name, he dosen't have my password but he can get a hold of the no. and uses for internet purchases or buys things when the store just requires signature, any way if any one has any comments on how to protect myself in that area, will be appreciated. On the other hand I have been in mourning for the last few months for the loss of my husband since even there is a male body in this house I have no Husband or father to my children, at best he is a good older brother to have fun with, and that hurts because I can't go to the cementery and mourn his loss and have clousure, but I do feel a little more free of pain and anger, I hope won't be too long until I can enjoy myself fully and do not feel like somebody took half of me....
Maybe I could read some comments on when some people new it was the time to walk away.... I want him to walk away, but he is not willing to go anywhere, I'v been postponing separation since I don't want to unroot and stress the lives of our 4 small children having to be us the ones leaving the house and have to live in an even more restricted budget ... is quiete restricted as it is.
protect credit card
Submitted by brendab on
I would make a call to your credit card company and ask them what is the best way to protect yourself. I'm sure they get lots of calls like this.
He's just not that into you.
Submitted by jennalemon on
We are learning that there are those who have ADD and are putting thought and energy and systems into place to accommodate and live functional caring lives. I know I would LOVE my ADD guy if he would be trying. I am stopping reading books about his "condition" and starting to read books about self respect and dignity and grace and happiness for myself. If I don't respect myself, how can I expect anyone else to?
I had been taught, no CONDITIONED, from early childhood by Girl Scouts, church, advertisements, culture, and work places that loveliness and romantic love and family nurturing looks like sacrifice! I believe that if you are partnered with a mature, loving person with that same upbringing and mindset, you can love, love, love and all is well. You will be loved, loved, loved in return and trust.
But most of us do not live in that echelon of evolved, sensitive people. We live in the ranks of people who are driven by their hormones and impulses and selfish needs. So, my wanting to be the perfect host, mom, wife, sister, daughter - my wanting to follow the rules and give 120% to make sure my family "worked" simply does not work. I wanted to please, thinking that was the way to OUR happiness and I wanted to be taken care of and loved in return. I remember before marriage, i was bold, funny, and lovable. Why am I not that way anymore? Because of my own beliefs that the world is a better place than it is. Being GOOD does not always assure receiving good. Being good in oppressive or uninvested situations can make you a doormat and a simple tool.
So what gives? How does a person get to have self respect and have people love them and care about them? How do you inspire others to care about you? Stay tuned for my journey into "I will like myself again". I have read ALL of Melissa's books and some of Patricia Evans books. Right now I am reading "Why Men Love Bitches", "The Dance of Anger", "Things Will Get as Good as you can Stand". My anger is telling me I must make changes. Because I was not taught some of THESE lessons, I must read to get the knowledge.
You Go ! You and I are
Submitted by funnyfarm on
You Go ! You and I are starting a similar journey, I made the same revelation a few weeks ago myself. I am done being angry, or at least trying to be done with it, without being done with my relationship as hard as it is. I read the dance of anger maybe 5 months ago...it seems so simple, just let go of anger...but its not when the things that make you angry slap you in the face almost daily. I wish us both success on this journey to become once again who we were.
Submitted by Pbartender on
I just pulled onto that same road, but coming at you guys from the on-coming lane.
How can I possibly manage my ADHD, if I don't have no confidence and I don't respect myself? How can I ever be happy, when all my self worth is invested in futile attempts at trying to make someone else happy? I can't control what my wife does and thinks and feels, but I can control myself. As the old saying goes, "Physician, heal thyself."
I'm looking forward to more on this, Jenna. Good Luck.