Worn Out and Sick

Not sure where to start...My road has been a rough and rocky one. I feel as if I have hit a dead end. I have been married to my husband for almost 12 years now. We married when I was 21 and he was 22. He was diagnosed with ADHD when her was 22 but it was never treated. My marriage consist of verbal, emotional, and a few times physical abuse. Just purchased Melissa's book in the hopes of making sense of all of this. I am so exhausted...depressed and just downright fed up of being the only one putting effort into this relationship. He may put efforts in his perspective but I don't feel sane or healthy with him anymore. I was diagnosed with celiac disease, PCOS and graves disease. My mother died because of Lupus at the age of 25. This stress in my life has not just made my life difficult; it has put my health at risk.  I do it all...pay the bills, take care of our 2 children, clean, cook, remember pretty much everything! Everything is an argument. Today he started an argument because I asked him to please clean up after himself at the dinner table. He became defensive and angry. I get this all the time. I am always wrong, crazy, a nag, angry, negative, mean, uptight, pathetic, the list goes on. I am seeing a psychologist once every 2 weeks because that is all I can afford. She feels I am on the verge of depression and is very concerned about my well being. My graves disease is spiraling out of control and I can not handle this kind of treatment from him. I had a vacation without him for 3 weeks to NY last summer and for the first time my graves was under control. I felt such peace, happiness and normalcy! For a while I thought the medication was not working. Now here I am, back to my graves flaring and feeling like a big pile of doo. I am currently unemployed, horrible credit (due to his recklessness) and away from family (he was a marine and swept me away). I feel isolated, hurt, hopeless, and lost. He refuses to seek professional help or treatment. How can this marriage work? I have lost myself because of this marriage. His narcissistic, selfish, irresponsible, forgetful, and arrogant behavior towards me has turned me into someone I do not like. He may have other mental health issues going on but refuses to see someone. Reading post on here and reading Melissa's book is helping me understand but I just want out. I'm just too drained and worn out. I feel like my life force gets sucked out of me when he's around. I want better for myself and my children. 

Lori

 

Hi Lori, I'm not sure what to

Hi Lori, I'm not sure what to say to your post, but I wanted to respond to you to let you know you're not alone.  I keep telling my friends how funny it is that everyone has the same story on here.  It really does show that ADHD does affect the non-ADHD spouse, and here's actual proof.  It's not just you.

Take care of yourself and your health.

Separation?

Lori, is it possible to at least get a separation so you can get some rest? Maybe stay with some relatives who are supportive for awhile?

Your symptoms can be caused or at least exacerbated by the situation you describe. Living with an abusive person sucks the life out of you and will leave you as a shell. Melissa's book can be a real eye-opener, but it does take two people who love each other to work through ADHD problems. However, 60% or more ADHDers have co-existing problems -- sometimes very serious ones. And trying her techniques with a personality disorder may not help much.

I suggest you also read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It is a very supportive book for the spouse being abused and gives some ways to reclaim control over your own life, whether you decide to stay or to leave. It also clarifies what is going on in an abusive relationship and may help you decide where you want to go from here.

leave him

I wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. Think about your health and happiness. Separation hurts but you feel hurt now anyway at least it will be temporary until you can happily move on with your life.

take care

LoriLinda, 

Just want to encourage you to take care of yourself. You can get so worn down and caught up in reacting and being isolated that it is hard to have any perspective. From the info in your post, I can tell you that no one deserves to be verbally and emotionally abused- it is unacceptable and you don't have to live like that! If you are saying that you are not healthy with him (and it sounds like your body is agreeing with you!) then can you get some physical and emotional space for yourself while you figure everything out? Can you stay with someone or something?

I am so sorry for the difficulties you are going through. Please don't let yourself become numb and trudge through years like this. You can make changes, and need to put yourself first at times. Keep seeing your therapist and please take care of yourself! You can do it.