How he presents

Today I almost broke down when I met my ex-husband shortly. Even though I reminded myself what he's done, and kept my boundary. He came at me smiling, kind and glowing.

So this is who I've divorced. The man whom I've loved for so long. Excuse me, Cantgoback who said the other day that I'm codependent and wrong to call it love. 

I'm a mess now, crying because by getting rid of the bad, I also lost the good. I almost destroyed myself to sustain the marriage, and it was not because I was stupid or in denial. Not even because I wanted to preserve it for the children, even though that was important. It was because I was attracted to him and preferred him to everyone else. When symptoms allowed me to glimpse him.

I wish he wouldn't present himself like this, but keep the attitude he's had during divorce. 

The other day, I met the husband of a friend in town. He knows about my recent divorce. He also has ADHD. The way he showed his sympathy during this brief encounter, made me acutely aware how I connect with him emotionally too. It's weirdly the same. And it's terribly powerful. I think I have it in me, in my original family. ADHD is probably my preference, and it hurts me. How sad is that. I have absolutely no masochistic tendencies. But the wiring seems very unfortunate.