Would it be so bad if I took away his debit card and just gave him an allowance each month?

I am a SAHM so I do the most of the "spending" in our household.  What I mean by that is that I buy the groceries, school supplies, kids clothes, etc.  Anything we need, I make it happen, which means I do the spending. 

DH (he is the ADHD spouse) agreed to take over our banking/budgeting a while back, but has done NOTHING with it to keep it up to date.  Additionally, one of his problems is that we agree on a budget amount for "fun money" and then he spends above and beyond his allotment.  Dave Ramsey has coined the term "financial infidelity" and that's exactly what this feels like to me.

I would like to take back the budget and his debit card and instead just give him a cash allowance for two things every month: his "fun money" and gas.  Those are the only two things he needs every month.  I take care of all the other household shopping.  I would also like to get back to the cash envelope system so we can knock out our debt (again), so if he was going to get a haircut or needed some clothes, he could just grab the appropriate envelope and be on his way.  He doesn't agree with using the cash envelopes because I misplaced an envelope containing ~$100 a few months back (it was later found), but the debit card use is causing huge overspending.  We are Dave Ramsey followers and we really need to get back on a budget.  I find that the cash only method is the most effective way for me. 

He says he feels poor, but he's doing nothing to change the situation, even though he has the knowledge (we've taken FPU) and the tools.  His lack of attention to our household budget is case in point.

Would this be too controlling?  I could just fill a Visa gift card for him each month or give him cash or both.  But we need to reign this spending in if we are going to make any financial progress.  Otherwise he's just going to keep feeling poor.

After years and years of him

After years and years of him using the debit card like it had NO END, I took my husband's. (he'll say he gave it to me willingly..which is partially true...but he only did it because it was a problem for ME). He would literally use it 1-3 times a day..every.single.day and NEVER EVER EVER give me a receipt or ask if we had the money, nothing. It got to the point of survival for us. I had tried everything else. I took it over a year ago. I give him cash at the beginning of the week...and about 50% of the time he blows it all by Wednesday...but it is still better than before.

I didn't want to do it, felt like it would be 'controlling/mothering' him, but it got to where I had no choice. Literally.

don't wait

I waited far too long to seperate our accounts. We're in fairly serious debt because I kept trying to reason with him. I admit I waited a long time because I hated the idea of giving him an allowance. I knew he was smart enough to "get it." And he is an adult, right? What adult cant stick to a simple plan? Little did I know the root of the problem... Anyway, after things started going better financially, eventually he started handing over his paychecks minus an amount he chose for himself for gas and snacks. He's happier not to have to listen to me trying to hold him accountable to a budget (no pun intended). I would rather he participated in a plan together with me, but at least I'm not stressed about making the bills each month. Survival describes it beautifully.

Thanks, I'm going to do it.

Thanks for your replies.  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to stop in at the bank and ask about the gift card option.  The kids are already in bed and DH seems to be in a good mood tonight, so I'm going to tell him tonight. 

We were outside earlier today and he was complaining about not having the money to replace our shed (which is rotting and is totally gross).  I told him that if we would actually live by a budget then we would have the money to make things happen.  Hopefully that made it through to his brain.  He didn't have a clever retort like he usually does, so I'm thinking it might have.


I had the same problem with m y husband. We HAD joint checking and each had our own cards. Well after many arguments over $1500 in bounced check fees I closed out account. Opened a new account where I am the primary person. We have 1 debit card, and each pay day I put money on a prepaid visa. That money is his responsibility and when it runs out, it runs out he can't get fees added when it's gone it's gone. This worked for a while every now and then he would ask for my mac card, and I'm like the receipt nut, he barely gets in the door and I'm asking. I get tired of parenting him and my two daughters. The sad part is his parents enable him they'll send him money if he calls them and tells them he doesn't have any money......so what works for some obviously doesn't work for all, I have great ideas but when I have his family enabling him which they have all his life and he's 37 it's really hard to deal with. GOOD LUCK MOMMACHEF because if I had to do it all over again, or if I have the money I'd be out. I can't live like this and I don't want my daughters to grow up in an environment where they think not taking care of yourself or learning how to deal with your problems is ok, it's toxic,resentful, and amazing how things change after the "hyper focus" wares off.


Debit cards ARRGGHH!

My husband has 2, one for our checking account and a Paypal card, which is fed by my eBay sales. I got him a card for that during a period when we only had one car and he had to go to the post office to mail the packages and I tell him what he can use on it. He has no idea about that account, it's my thing, my earnings.

Right now he's driving my car and I'm car-less (his is broken down and we can't afford to fix it) so I asked him to mail a package using the Paypal  card. He used our (already overdrawn) joint checking account. These cards are totally different colors, banks, types of cards (Visa vs. Mastercard) etc. So my 99 cent sale ends up costing us $29. When I take him to task for it, he says "It can't be helped now." (not in the present). I told him that meant I worked 2 1/2 hours to pay for his mistake. This is the second time he's done it.

I've told him we can't afford any more mistakes and I'm taking the checking account one and I'll give it back when there's money in that account. Good grief, he's not 10, he should be able to tell the difference between green and gray (he's not colorblind.) ARGGHH!