so I have been reading a lot of these posts and it seems kind of depressing and hopeless. Probably because I am in the Anger and Frustration Forum. But still, it seems like there are a lot of people in a lot of pain because they are with an adhd partner. I have a question. If you were to go back in time, would you break up with ur adhd spouse when they were just your bf. Why? If not, why not? I am a twenty year old woman who has been dating an adhd man for over 2 years. I love him but I would be lying if I said we didn't have more problems than the average couple. We do. But I love him, and many times we are able to overcome obstacles. But our relationship can be very intense. I would also be lying if i said all of our problems are his fault. What would you tell your younger self at this point of the game? What should I look out for before deciding to marry him? Should I just leave now? What are signs I should be wary of? Please let me know. Thanks.
Would you go back in time and Break up with your Adhd man?
Submitted by tgirl on 11/12/2013.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
it so happen that i am on line right now a lot because i am on a sick leave presently so no work right now for me and it gets pretty boring just watching the TV.Well I am going to answer your question and it might not be nice but remember every one experience might not be the same and you are still very young so i would close this part by saying you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you.
(1)..if i were to go back in time NO,i would have never broken up with my boyfriend,in fact that was the time we were very much in love,i have never experienced a love this strong before and being with an ADHD partner can be very romantic at first and if you read an ADHD book you would come across where they talk of ""the hyper focus courtship"".In the beginning there is loads of romance,when that is all over and my hubby got comfortable that was all over.In one of Melissa Orlov books'"The ADHD effect on marriage" has great insights on how to deal with an ADHD partner,you can go on line and find out how to get one if you are out of state,or order one from your local book store,that's how i got mine.
(2)now i would want a separation more than anything it's hard very hard and it gets tougher than ever especially when they resort to pot,alcohol,gambling,porn,for stimulation rather than meds/therapy..
don't want to make you feel awful,but this is the gruesome truth,i am still with him and recently i had an STD done thinking he gave me one.It was negative for me but his reactions to me getting the support that i needed ended up in him hurting me with threats,complains,so called breaking up with me,chasing me out,and also he is presently cheating.I saw a text message on his phone and said nothing because i know how his reaction would be..i just let it be.
Anyways,i read two books,took therapy for my self,did all the work for and by my self and he just gotten worse,i address problems to him learning how to use verbal quos and body language and sometimes i would forget that i have to do it this way that way and ended up fowling up the whole thing and boom!!!!! when we fight he goes by his mistress/mattress whatever.I can't really tell him or start and argument right now,i just did an operation and i am trying to get healed it was a painful operation and i had stitches done.
I know what i have to do for my future and i would do it!,you are very young and you sound very worried so if i was you i would get out now!
If I went back in time and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
If I went back in time and broke up with the guy who has been my husband for 28 years, I wouldn't have my children, who are, truly, the lights of my life. Motherhood is by far the best thing in my life. My husband was a good father for many years and has never been a bad father, but he pulled away from a lot of the family responsibilities when our daughters were in middle school and he has never resumed them.
If I were you (and were braver than I am!), I would talk to your boyfriend, tell him that you've read a lot about ADHD, that you are concerned because when untreated, ADHD gets worse, has huge effects on individuals and their relationships, and can lead to job problems (which thus lead to financial problems), communication problems, and health concerns, particularly for the nonADHD partner. Tell him that he must institute and engage in treatment before you will move forward with him.
Wow, that's a tough one
Submitted by AmyT on
Wow, that's a tough one because of my kids...as the other poster said, without my husband, I wouldn't have them. However, since we're hypothetical here, assuming I still had "my" kids, then no, I would not have married him. I think because of some stuff I was going through at the time that I latched onto him and his hyperfocus on me - he loved me and that was enough for me to love him. He is not all bad, but if I met him today, we would not connect even aside from the ADHD - nothing in common, different views, etc.
Some days I hate my ADHD and
Submitted by Jon on
Some days I hate my ADHD and would drop it like a hot scone in a heartbeat, other days I like that it's me, and it's not like everyone else. A lot of the forum is bleak and hopeless, mostly cause all the happy couples are practicing making babies and not sitting on a forum.
Some folk are serial misery merchants, because that is all they got left. This is sad but it doesn't have to be that way.
I would run
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
I personally would run fast and far. The torment I have been through in my relationship from my adhd husband is ridiculous.. Abuse (physical, psychological, emotional), neglect, legal issues, problems with the law, almost divorce, me cheating and my oldest having adhd and all of the hindrances in my life and living it just to back someone else out of all there problems and issues and things is too much for me. I have ruined my own life by staying. IIhave so much hatred and anger and resentment for him. I have numerous health problems, I am failing my children, I am depressed and have anxiety. I cant handle this life. So hopefully that answers your question. But I would run fast and far and never look back.
But I wouldn't have my kids
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
The only downfall is I wouldn't have my 4 kids whom I love with all my heart. I don't know... its so hard.... My frustrations have built over 12 years. It's 12 too many. I just want to scream and run.
Your question is something people don't want to answer...
Submitted by c ur self on
When a person has worked as hard as I have trying to string together peaceful days....To consider going back and undoing all the lessons I've learned about what real love is, is hard to consider....If my goal was to just have an easier life, without a doubt I wouldn't have married my wife....But, she has helped me to become a much stronger man...I knew, when we were dating that she was different in many ways...But, I knew one thing about her...She had then and still has today good intentions in most cases of life....
When you peace together clinical level add, plus all the baggage she accumulated the first 40 years of her life...(She was 46 and had two boys, 21 & 16, but never had been married, when we met)....There is no wonder she has struggled mightily to adapt to married life.....
Most of her self absorbed ways, are basically two things happening...One of course is the way her mind works, she has never gotten any therapy for her sufferings....She just accepts things about herself without question (denial of the effects on everyone else)...Which just doesn't leave any room for a spouse, communication, or really much peace when in her presents (Her life is so chaotic, as her spouse I have to step away, not engage like I would like, in order have some peace and rest;)....If she has a thought she just runs with it, no matter what I think...I've said this on this site so many times, many people live in a mind that just doesn't work well trying to be one w/ someone else....They really are just setting themselves (and anyone they marry) up for failure and misery, by getting married....They do OK alone, they don't have to consider a life mate, and no is subjected to the chaos & loneliness of trying to abide as one flesh with them....This reality isn't about add/adhd, It's basically about self absorbed people who justify their selfish life style...Marriage is about doing the work (responsibility & accountability) and meeting each other in the middle....That isn't possible for some people....
So, I really can't answer your question....I can say this, I wish I had been much more accepting of her thinking, feelings and behaviors before we married....Just being wise enough to not look past her reality, thinking I would love hard, work hard, and she would change was a fools errand...So I guess there's your answer....Denial has been the problem from the beginning...When someone say's you should have none who you married!...What they are really saying is, deal with it!...I will never make an attempt to change...I love my selfish life....So if you are looking down that gun barrel, you better believe it....Living with that reality alone is what causes so much emotional pain for so many who post here....The spouses who are subjected to this type attitude is screaming inside...."IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY".....Some on the outside too;)
That was my problem
Submitted by GoingCrazyADHDx2 on
That was my problem too. Not knowing. I always knew he had ADHD but I didn't think it would be this bad. I knew about it but didn't really KNOW about it. I have tried for 12 years to try and stick it out hoping he would change... I kept changing things hoping he'd do the same... Ive completely lost myself in the process. It's disheartening knowing it will always be this way... I dont know how to cope with it! My son also has ADHD and trying to manage 4 children (one with ADHD) and a husband with ADHD is insanity. I feel like Im going mental.