*EDIT*// - I want to start off here and state that I KNOW that there are successful marriages with ADHD partners, I know that they are happy and fullfilled because they have done the work, and DO the work. We just dont see them there, so I wanted to make it clear that I DO - I absolutely DO believe that it is possible. But only if both partners do the work (you know, like "normal" people have to do anyway!) //*Edit*
I read so many of our posts, and they could almost all be the same story... There are times when I read something and feel like I could have written the very same words, over and over and over again. For those of you who have left your spouse, jumped of this insane roller coaster, is there something that your spouse could have done to make you stay? Like, if they had done A, B and C - would you have tried to work with them?
I wrote this in response to a post back in 2014 when I filed for divorce (the first time I actually paid a lawyer and filled out paperwork - but ended up not going through). The original post was an AHDH husband asking for help on how he could make things right and do better with his wife and save his marriage. There were lots of really solid replies - and almost every single one said the same thing in different words.
"My suggestion to you is to keep working at it - and make sure she can SEE it. You can think all day long, but that's invisible - that is something my husband would say all the time - he was working on things by thinking. You must SHOW her what you are working on. Make sure she can tell this is important. Talk about it. Ask every day what you can do to make an improvement. Keep this on the for-front of your lives and keep attacking it. Had my husband showed even the smallest of efforts I would be in heaven. I applaud your efforts, and know that they are hard. I wish you well and success on your journey and hope that one day you can fully control your ADHD and be happy."
While I am in a situation now where I am back to square one, my H has essentially back slid to almost all the old problems, I wonder how long it would actually take of his ACTIVE work to convince me? It made me wonder what you guys would have done if your spouse started putting in the work, and really being open and obvious (this is key) that they were actively trying to manage their issues. My H has more than just ADHD going on, but he doesn't do anything to help himself there either. In fact, its become his go to excuse for his bad behavior. I doubt he sees it this way, because he is pretty blind to anything outside of his own perspective. And that makes it very very hard, with his oppositional defiance issues, his disassociation where he doesn't even realize or understand what he is doing, and his absolutely rediculous belief that *HE* is the one with the answers, that he cannot be helped by anyone else. What he has said to me after me begging to tell me whats going on in the past few years is how he is "thinking" about things... and of course that gets us no where.
Few weeks ago I had to explain to him that when he shuts me out, its like living with a stranger. And I think thats when it really hit me.... I AM living with a stranger, someone who I cannot trust to do right by me, someone who has made it clear to me that they are settling for what I am and our life we have built (which is crushing by the way) instead of loving me as a husband should. I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. And I am old enough to know that love isnt that "I am so in love with you feeling" - love is a choice to honor and care for your spouse, knowing that the "feeling" of being in love comes and goes with the tide. This has moved beyond (at least in my mind that I can read from the situation) his hiding from his issues to me suspecting he thinks he can do much better than me (and wants better than me), and I am at the point now where I dont want to bear the hurt of that anymore.
So more power to him. THAT is what he has showed me, instead of showing me that he cares and is working on making things better for us (like I was doing). Maybe i am projecting my own insecurities here, but I have nothing else to go on.... If I did - maybe there would be some fight left in me.
Anyway - Would love some feedback from All of you really - not just ones who had to walk away from it all....
SpaceyStacey, what he could have done.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
This is a very important question you asked, and its easy for me to answer. I would have stayed if......
A. He would have been as honest with me, as I was with him. I laid my life bare and made myself vulnerable to love and also receive love, which he did not reciprocate.
B. I would have stayed if he would have FACED his ADHD, and mean it, and not just say it a couple times and take his meds sporatically. I needed him to OWN his condition, and not ke denying that it waa doing damage to him and us.
C. FINALLY, I WOULD have stayed if he would have only TALKED to me, and tell me what was on his mind instead of claming up and assuming he knew me, but didnt. I worked so hard for this relationship, and ended up with nothing. That is wrong. It didnt matter what I did or DIDNT do, he refused to talk about ANYTHING that pertained to us. Nothing can be changed or resolved if you cant talk about anything with your spouse, without him getting upset,regardless of HOW carefully I worded things.
I rinally had to come to the realization that he DIDN'T WANT to change or help us get to a better place. He seemed to have checked out of the marriage shortly after it began. The "one foot out the door syndrome", where anything and everything on thenoutside of the house was better than the inside. Regardless of HOW well I treated him. It just wasnt enough in his eyes.
Thanks for that reply Dede,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Thanks for that reply Dede,
I have to say, that I would probably stick it out too for those A, B, Cs. Those seem to be the filtered down, absolute needs for any relationship to be viable with someone with ADHD. Well - for everyone really. I just think that its easier, more natural for those with out the disorder to do.
Ownership, Responsibility, Reciprocation.....
I too have come to that same conclusion in my relationship, and though its extremely painful, I know that the storms will pass and things will be better again (for me). I know I am not enough for him either, and I am ok with that at this point. I was everything I could be, I put in my all, and I can walk away and have no regrets that I didnt do everything I could to be a good wife to him. I can sleep with a clean conscience, and go on in life knowing that there was nothing left that I could have done.
You are not alone Dede... though I am sure it feels it. I know that there are moments it feels that way for me. I just hang on to the promise and potential my life will have when I am not focused on someone who had no focus on me. Keep rising up my friend.