Wow, wow, wow and wow - ok trying again

decided to delete my post because i felt stupid and yucky after I posted it.  but I'm trying again because I can't make the support group meetings.

I am the spouse w/ADHD.  I have known i'm ADD since I first heard of it, but didn't realize it was and actual problem with the brain.  I always assumed if i just could suck it up and try harder I could fix it.  I thought the drugs were only for hyperactive kids.  The more I learn about it the more I realize that EVERYTHING I have ever done, said or thought is a symptom of this disorder.  I have no personality.  I have no character.  I have no life.  All I have are symptoms.  I have been good at some things but never have the discipline for 'follow through.'  There is a lot of fear of failure and even fear of success.  I've had many great opportunities, but have shot myself in the foot each time, not seeing what was important and not doing what needed to be done at the moment I had each opportunity.  I'm 40 now and have no idea what to do when i 'grow up.' 

My husband and i relocated to New York City for his new job.  He has a great job, but it doesn't pay great, and no one can live on one salary in this city anyway.  we have a 1.5 year old and 4 year old, and i'm sure the older one at least is ADHD too.

Because of my failure to find work, we are losing money (several thousand per month).  My husband has been very tolerant of my ADHD, but we recently had a long talk about it and in spite of some improvement with medication he still feels disrespected every time I have a slip up and forget to close a drawer or put something away or leave my phone at home and he can't get hold of me etc.  I asked him why he stays with me.  He said, "I dunno.  Just.... cuz."  I feel like he just didn't have the time it would take to divorce me and didn't want the headache of it all, so we're just living as roommates with kids.  We don't fight.  we don't yell. we hardly talk, because he is tired of me misunderstanding everything he says.  (in fact I misunderstand pretty much anything ANYONE says to me).  I'm lonely and feeling very unloved and worthless.

I feel like it is all I can do to keep the apartment clean, food prepared and the kids' needs met, but I somehow have to make money.  My husband cannot work any harder than he already does and he's burning out.  I'm taking Adderall, and it helps but wears off too fast and i'm exhausted at the end of the day when my 4 year old is home from school, my 1.5 year old is hanging on my legs crying as i try to cook and my husband is telling me the things i need to do or that i've done wrong or forgotten.  I really need a second dose of something in the evening that won't keep me up all night (although i struggle to get everything done by midnight anyway).

i've been applying for anything and everything because the economy is so bad, but then my husband will say, "Oh no - don't apply for that!  you'll hate that!"  I went to school to be a performer, but i'm realizing that 1) I can't make enough money at it 2) I actually think I kind of hate doing it. I do teach some (privately and as a sub) but as we all know, teachers are being fired these days, not hired.  I had an interview for a great job that i really was hopeful about but i didn't get it and was devastated, as it would have pretty much solved all our financial problems.

My question for everyone is how do you get past the self-hatred? How do you figure out how to go forward? do you just grab onto something, ANYTHING and try to make it work?  I plan to start running this week.  I used to run a lot and at the very least i remember it helped with depression.  I'll try fish oil, too.

How to...

If I were that good at this, maybe I could write a book about it. How long have you been taking the Adderall? I don't take the XR type, as I like to plan my doses according to the day ahead of me. Maybe you have not found the correct dose for yourself.

I was undiagnosed for over 40 years, married for well over 10 years and for most of it I was really pretty much in balance. Juggling the right number of oranges as I like to say... The year of my diagnosis was quite different and things began getting out of control and I eventually went to the doctor for anxiety attacks and was diagnosed. Low self-esteem and hatred of so many bad decisions and failures to make up for. The couples therapist we saw said I had an Empty Trust Bucket to fill, so my new actions and reactions would slowly begin to make deposits in this bucket. You can't make it better for anybody until you start to feel better yourself. Almost 2 years later I still am not sure if the damage is too great, but I keep trying to make deposits. Remember... You are not totally responsible your the place your marriage has reached. Keep reading about this disorder and know you are not alone.

This website has helped me tremendously and it can help you too. The past is what it is, so you can try to make positive moves forward, but a little at a time. Once you begin feeling better you might try bitting off more than you can chew, like I did at first, then you can end up with too many oranges to juggle.

YYZ

Hello, YYZ.  Boy, it's been a

Hello, YYZ.  Boy, it's been a long time since I've heard that song, or any other Rush song... but... I digress.

I've been on Adderall for 4 months now.  I started out with the immediate release, but found that it only lasted 3 hours and then I'd get really tired.  I'd be just waiting in a fog til i could take the next dose.  The XR is better for me because it wears off more gradually, but... if I take it say at 9am, it's done by 2 or 3 pm.  So I try to hold off as long as I can and take it at 11 or 12pm.

I don't want to be 'lazy' or a unmotivated, but i'm also wary of jumping into something on a whim, and then not being able to follow through, you know?  So going out of my comfort zone job-wise is scaring me to death.  All the stuff i'm applying for requires organization, strong verbal and written communication, self starter, blah blah blah... I feel like such a fraud.  So, in the meantime i'm also trying to start my own business teaching classes at home, but can't even get my business cards right: I left off the freaking website! I can't afford to get new ones so i have to hand-write it in on all of them.  I spent 3 times the money on advertising than i've earned teaching the classes so far. grrr.

An empty trust bucket?  was that your trust or your husband's trust you needed to deposit?  Whatever bucket i've got, i'm pretty sure it's empty, and I have nothing to put in it right now, nor any deposit slips. mmmrrrphph.

Too bad you can't take anti-depressants and Adderall at the same time!

fuzzylogic72's picture

new ventures

Hi ellamenno (cool name);

What kind of classes are you teaching? That business card thing sounds so familiar; most of life is kind of of like that (hand-writing things in after the fact). I couldn't aford to get cards printed for massage therapy (my side job, which is largely unutilized); so I did my own on the computer. It was annoying to figure out the alignment for printing, but they turned out looking great; have you thought of just ditching the old cards, and making your own? It's pretty cheap and they look fine. Do you do small group classes, or single? And what has been the most effective way to advertise so far?

Nice... You are the first to recognize my handle :-)

Listen to Rush and listen often :-) The louder the better

I'm the husband holding the empty bucket :-) You can take anti-depressants with Adderall. My Doc keeps asking why I don't stay on the Prestique. I want to be clear and If i'm mad or sad I want to figure it out, plus the last thing I need is a "Side Effect". No Way! Maybe you need a higher dose if you are dragging... I usually take 20mg at 5am, 20 at 10:30 and 10 at 3pm, for a normal day. Everyone is different...

YYZ, Step out in the Lime Light :-)

 


 

Sorry about that!

I assumed at first you were an ADHD wife because of the Women w/ADD category... oops!  For a while I thought I found the only other female Rush nerd on the planet!  BTW perfect song choice for the subject of ADHD:  beginning with an onslaught of percussion and tri-tones, what could be more distracting and unsettled???

Right now I'm on 20 mg. extended release.  It lasts maybe 3.5 hours max. have to decide whether to have foggy mornings or foggy evenings at this point.  I'm going to call my Doc. and make an appointment.  And I'll keep running even though i'm exhausted now.  Maybe i just need to get my body used to it again?  kudos for losing 100 lbs.  wow! (that was in some other post, right?) amazing...  I;ve lost 15 lbs since starting adderall, but I don't want to lose any more because my doc. is concerned about the loss of apetite.  I have to remember to eat!

No worries about mis-gendering me

It's not like YYZ is specifically male :-)

Is your Adderall really XR? Regular Adderall, like I take tails of after 4 hours, so I go with 3 doses per day. I thought XR Adderall was supposed to be all day? I was a LONG way from losing weight that should be worried about... I have been in the same +- 5 pounds since last July, so I think I am stable. My regular Doc has not seen me in a long time, but my annual physical is next month, and I missed last year so I'll see what he says. My wife says I'm too skinny, but I was over-weight for so long she is just not used to me looking normal. The Adderall does not keep me from eating, at all, it just keeps me from making food the center of my day. My Psych is not concerned about my weight and I see him every 3 -4 months.  Sorry about over-posting the weight thing... I have made so many posts that I cannot remember who I've mentioned it too. Hmmmmm ADD, maybe :-)

Rush fans are not Nerds ;-) I first saw them live in 1983 (Signals Tour)

YYZ

hmmm...

well, I suppose the XR is still doing something after 3.5 hours, but that's when I start to feel the decrease in concentration and fatigue.  I would not, say drink coffee before 6-8 hours after I took it, just to be safe, but...  it is not very effective after the first 3-4 hours.  But... I am sure the 'old me' would be worse.

and.... I'm sorry YYZ:  we ARE nerds!  I wasn't allowed to go to any Rush concerts (or ANY concerts) in 1983!

Nerds... I guess so :)

I listen to Rush and I am a programmer too... So I.T. Nerd and Rush fan. It could be worse... YYZ

ditto

We could be sisters ellamenno.  I'm 44 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago.  I have never had a career, have over 160 credit hours but no degree (changed at least 7 times), felt like a loser and didn't understand why.  Can't keep my mouth shut - and usually don't see a reason to.  However, I'm one of the most creative people you'll ever meet -- just ask me, I'll tell you.  :)  I can also shift gears quicker than anyone I know.  I guess I've known about my ADHD but also listened to the folks that told me to "just sit still", "stop squirming", "if she would just focus".  Bullshit!  I now know that I'm not capable of JUST doing that. However, I have found LOTS of coping skills and I focus on what I'm REALLY good at -- because we really are extraordinary people.  

It's all the BS baggage from people in our past that makes us angry, frustrated and depressed.  I've decided to focus on my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.  I do plan to finish my degree in Environmental Science (unfortunately, I'm over 6 hours from the nearest university) as I get passionate when I talk about recycling and composting.  Find out what turns you on, lights a fire under your ass and gets you moving.  Then you will be able to use your ability to hyperfocus to make it work.  Use technology (wish there had been laptops my first time around -- nothing keeps me more focused on a topic than typing notes), a watch with an alarm/cell phone with calendar appointments.  

Women are the most undiagnosed because we do FIGURE IT OUT...but not really, we're just better at covering it up.  Stop covering your ADHD up, embrace it and find your tool.  You are a special person and will succeed at whatever you do.  

Ok...I just about forgot what my main purpose of this post was...stereotypes are there for a reason, huh?  Running --- yes, AWESOME way to get a natural focus.  I find running in the morning is ALMOST like taking meds (still trying to find the right one for me).  Exercise has really helped me out.  Best of luck and hugs to you!

Wow... you could be my sister...

You "I'm 44 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago." - Me: Diagnosed about two years ago at age 43

You "have over 160 credit hours but no degree (changed at least 7 times), felt like a loser and didn't understand why." - Me: 177 hours, and my last stab at college was due to extreme hyper-focus, after losing a Really Stupid Job, I made straight A's for four years, 2 classes a semester, after work, and got my Associates Degree :-)

You "Running --- yes, AWESOME way to get a natural focus. I find running in the morning is ALMOST like taking meds " - Me: I speed walk 2 miles at 5am and 2 miles after work, as much as possible. 10 - 25 miles a week, when factoring all the variables. When I walk in the morning, I feel 2X as good as the Adderall only mornings.

Women do hide things better, for sure, and that is pretty much fact and not a stereotype :-)

I live by what you say here "Use technology (wish there had been laptops my first time around -- nothing keeps me more focused on a topic than typing notes), a watch with an alarm/cell phone with calendar appointments" and have since I discovered Outlook in 1999 and linking it to my phone. No More Forgetting, unless there is not an alarm or reminder setup.

My fast gears are even better after slowing all the spinning ideas in my head with the Adderall. I write code way more efficiently these days!

Great Post!

Wow, wow, wow and wow - ok trying again... Don't give up! There are many posts out there about us ADDer's who ignore the signs/don't want to change, but believe me you can improve things dramatically with the right meds, counseling and re-tooled coping skills :-)

DF's picture

to my long lost family

so your trying to address your diagnosis.  Your husband works hard for the family, but what else is he doing?  From what you're saying at the top he sounds like me and I'm the one with ADD.  I treated my wife like that for a looooong time.  Didn't know it until it was possibly to late......

As far as the job thing goes?  Well take it from someone who's extremely insecure, those are just things they advertise to chase away the dead weight.  Bottom line is, everyone just wants someone they like to be around at work and has the ability to learn.  Take me for instance.  I'm in IT.  I stink at computers, but my bosses and co-workers seem to like that I'm extremely helpful, I'm amusing and quick witted.  I can do the job enough to get by, but I work with some serious talent too and that adds to my feeling inadiquate. 

Your husband says "you won't like that job".  I know my wife pretty good, but I've also learned ( too late?) not to step in her way.  Let her do it.  You ladies have a great knack for finding accomplishment even in failed attempts. 

I just started Aderall RX today.  HOLY FREE HOLY BATMAN!  I can hear people talking!  I know it's early in the life cycle and only my first time ever doing something like this, but I can see immedietly what it does for me and I can't wait to test it out on every aspect of my life.  One symptom they don't tell you about - some of my co-workers are telling me I'm kind of boring today.... hmmm.

You may not need it, but I give to you my best interview response to that stupid question about "What do you see as your biggest weakness?"

Simple and true -> "Time management".   But I turn it into a positive by adding -> "I tend to take on more and more tasks or projects in an effort to try and get as much done as possible."

Good luck to you.  Remember -> in career and in life, you never know what you like if you don't try it at least once.  When you're unemployed, the career part is much easier to try something different at.

Yet another...

"HOLY FREE HOLY BATMAN!" = 30 minutes after my first 20mg Adderall. I know what you speak of...

"I can hear people talking!" I thought I had hearing issues, especially in loud restaurants. After Adderall, I could process the separate sources of sound and "Presto" I could hear.

Being in IT, because of wit, charm and being helpful, I too also thought people would eventually figure out I was not THAT smart and lose my job. Guess what... We ARE that smart, and more efficient now that we know what we are dealing with :-)

Your lost brother,

YYZ

yes, indeed.

the difference is astounding with meds.  I finally feel like I can keep up with a conversation and say the right thing in response to 'normal' people who are talking to me.  It's funny though, did you all have the thing where you could hear your ADD saying, "Oh man... I have to do X,Y, and Z now... I hate X,Y, and Z! and the Adderall comes back with C'MON! LET'S DO IT!!! LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW!!! THEN WE'LL DO A, B, AND C AND STILL HAVE TIME TO FIT IN Q,R,S!!"

As for my husband being ADD - no way.  His time management is impeccable.  He can concentrate/focus anytime he needs to.  He keeps all his appointments in his head and never misses one and never is late.  He has written a book while also working 80 hours per week.  He can function day after day, going to bed at 2am, and getting up at 7am simply because he is driven to be the best he can be.  He has never lost his keys. or wallet. or anything else.  When I was a kid, I loved Star Trek - Spock was my favorite character.  So when I grew up and married him. 

The reason he warned me about the job I applied for is because it was a low-paying secretarial position for a company I worked for 15 years ago, and indeed.... I hated that job.  So... yes, he's pushing me to get motivated to get work, but at the same time he doesn't want me to be miserable.

sleep & confidence?

Hi Hippichic!  well - you've got something I don't which is CONFIDENCE.  Even in situations where I have a lot of knowledge, i second guess myself and think any second someone will prove me wrong, or i'll realize i've made a mistake etc...  I'm constantly apologizing for my faults - even when it turns out afterwards that what i've done is actually quite good.  I just never know when i'm going to 'hit it' or fail miserably.

YYZ - how do you handle getting up at 5am?  were you always a morning person? Do you get to bed early? I've tried for decades to force myself to be a morning person, but after a few days, i'm so exhausted I can't do it anymore and give up.  It would be ideal to get up and run in the morning before the kids wake up (which would be about 5am for me too).  I have been drinking coffee to get me through the morning and when that wears off I take the adderall.  do you take the adderall before you run?  or is it dangerous to raise your heart rate when you take something that raises your blood pressure? 

Morning person... Maybe...

Since my diagnosis I have found that I am not exhausted all the time. I used to be tired after 9 hours of sleep, now as long as I get 6 hours it is fairly easy for me to get up. I'm Not saying it is easy, but I know the benefit of the morning exercise. I don't like how I feel when I get up, too close to the way I used to feel, so I take my Adderall first thing in the morning, and hit the sidewalks... I still drink coffee too, probably 60% of my Pre-ADD coffee intake :-) I have not had any sort of pain exercising with Adderall in my system. I don't run, but I walk 13 - 14 minute miles, so my heart-rate is definitely up.

I try to kill all caffeine intake by 6pm, or I may have issues getting to sleep.

YYZ

You walk the same speed as I

You walk the same speed as I run!  I used to be in a running club, and would ALWAYS be the second to last runner across the finish line.  The last one?  85-year-old man.  And he was always right on my tail.  One time I won a first place medal because I was the only entrant in my age category! woohoo!

I am SO out of it in the morning.  I can't function until i have coffee.   My husband can just GET UP when it's time for him to get up.  No coffee.  Nothing.  just.... gets up.  I am always in awe.  Maybe I could try taking the adderall before a morning run, but then I think i'd get a caffeine headache and not be able to have coffee b/c I'd already taken the Adderall. I guess you're one of those people who can do both at the same time. I have had different problems when I take the adderall/drink coffee too close to one another. Either I get irritable, or I get really sleepy.

speaking of sleepy....... goodnight everyone!

fuzzylogic72's picture

family!

I just read the rest of your posts on this thread (of course, I started in the middle, worked my way to the end, then read the initial posts... standard logic of progression for me).

I could certainly be your brother (along with the rest of the peeps on this particular thread). I related completely with things that you all have been talking about. I'm a teacher, but in the middle of a legal case with my board (discrimination/constructive dismissal), i'm a registered massage therapist (two year program here), aced my Pharmaceutical Sales Rep course, and am now taking psych. courses to maintain my teaching certification/prepare for transition to the psych masters program. I've lost the passion/drive for teaching b/c of the conflict with a very NON-sympathetic principal (plus the torture of paperwork), not using my massage anymore mainly b/c of the "been there, done it" thing, as that's what I did before teaching (and it's very hard on the joints of you do enough of it to make any real money). the Pharma education has been great for understanding my med options, and being able to actually lead my Dr. in terms of what regimens to try, and what I should/shouldn't be combining, but the career itself has changed radically since completing the course, making it not nearly as attractive as a career choice. I want to do psych., but am nearly bankrupt, so the idea of going back to school AGAIN at my age is daunting with no income. Anyways, back to the discussion topics..

About exercise, adderall and heart rate; that largely depends on genetic predisposition to heart conditions, your level of health etc. But I have found that when I use the treadmill and monitor my HR, it is pretty interesting: although I am starting with an elevated HR d/t adderall, my HR at peak output is no higher than when I workout with no adderall and start at a lower HR. In fact, it feels more strenuous on my heart without the aderall, since the contrast from a sluggish HR to pushing my output is so extreme. It feels like less impact; kind of like the adderall has your heart 'prepped' for the demand. i also have a better workout, as I immediately have more blood/oxygen/nutrients circulating o feed the lungs and muscles. Working out with weights is enhanced too, although I do notice more of a change in the intensity of exercise-thumping of the heart with adderall while doing weights than I do from cardio. If you're worried about the increase in HR, the caffeine is bigger issue with adderall than the exercise (not to say that it's a serious contraindication or anything).

I forget if it was you ar yyz who asked about anything people have tried to get a few more hours later in the day of stimulation. I've tried a TON of things. What I have found effective for me personally is energy drinks. Of course, they're not a health food by any stretch, but they are not nearly as bad as some health freaks say. I'd try a few diferent ones to find one with a good taste (some can be horrible, others delicious), and look at the labels. I make sure I get ones with 2000mg of taurine (amino acid, which helps with focus); Glucuronolactone (glucuronic acid lactone) is a natural metabolite found in the body and gives energy and a sense of well-being (although hard scientific studies are lacking, I find the drinks that have it work better than those that dont); ginseng; caffeine; inositol; and a mix of b-vitamins, particularly b12). To be honest, these drinks are probably nearly as helpful for me as my adderall, and I rely on them when I run out. I wouldn't drink coffee in addition however, would be too much caffeine; but coffee screws my stomach up anyways. As exrtra support, magnesium, B-Complex, vitamin D, and omega 3-6-9 fatty acids are very helpful to me.  I never used to believe in the ginseng thing, as I tried lots of them and didn't notice much, but I just tried one from walmart that is great. If you have Jamieson's brand vitamins where you are, they make one called Imperial 'Red Dragon' ginseng. Since ginseng is an adaptogen, it's nourishing for your nervous system rather than just getting you buzzed.

Anyways, that's what I have found to be helpful. The action of gingko (increasing peripheral/cerebral circulation) would imply that it should be good for adhd b/c of the decreased frontal lobe/ right hemisphere activity, but hard clinical data is lacking on that. Still going to try it out though...

Ok, enough of my babbling! 

Let me know what you guys end up trying and how it works for you!

advertising, energy drinks and self-esteem, oh my!

Hi Fuzzylogic,

I teach music classes for kids.  Of course there are a billion other people in this city who are doing the same thing and honestly, the thing that works the best is simply going to parks, museums, anywhere where there might be kids and 'trolling for moms' as my husband puts it.  Sometimes I hit the jackpot and meet a whole play group of kids with their moms (instant class - all the same age!)  Oh - and I do make my own cards, but have to print them at a print shop because my 'card' is a card-stock postcard sized thing and if i put card-stock in my printer, it'll die.  I WAS doing color, both sides, but it was way too expensive, so i just did a batch of B&W and they look fine.

Thanks for the list of vitamins, energy drinks etc....  I have tried energy drinks but can't get past the gross taste.  Perhaps i'll try again....  How long does an energy drink last?  Can you have one in the evening without being up all night?  I know everyone's different and a grown man would have a different effect than me (i'm 115 lbs right now) but, just thought i'd ask.  I seem to metabolize stimulants more quickly than most people I know, but i'm wary of messing with the Adderall.  I've cut down on coffee (only in the morning - ok, so I have 40 oz. of French press, but... JUST IN THE MORNING!  I tried to quit when I started the adderall, but just couldn't do it.  My hair hurt i was so miserable.

And yes, y'all are right:  i am officially depressed.  It's always been hard for me to have 'positive self-talk' because it all seems to me to be so... I dunno...  new agey or something and i'm the least spiritual person on the planet. I am envious of super religious/spiritual people because they are so SURE of their beliefs and so safe in them and content.  I've TRIED but just can't believe.  I don't pray and can't meditate because my mind wanders so much.    but i'll try to at least make a list of what's going RIGHT :-)

fuzzylogic72's picture

I'm NOT supposed to be here!

Painful hair, trolling for moms... Bahaha! Either I'm way over-tired, or that was truly hilarious; I laughed pretty hard either way. Anyways, great topics for conversation; right up my alley, and I think we could talk for days about all of it. First, thanks for the trolling for mom's at parks etc.; I used to just do that for dates, but I'll try it for clients for sure! haha. As for the energy drinks, I too metabolize stims quickly (if you mean that they don't have as strong an effect as some poeple). No, I wouldn't worry about the adderall and energy drinks, especially if yer only having one or two a day. I actually wash down my adderall, ginseng, and all the other supplements I mentioned with a can of TapOut (my newest favourite; mango-peach. If you have any teenage boy students or family who watch UFC (mixed martial arts), and they see you drinking it, you'll have an instant fan club (its the "official drink of the UFC"). It has the highest amount of all those ingredients. I just went to walmart tonight and got 5 boxes of a drink that they carry (here in canada anyways, but should be universal); it's called "Bone Chillin;" haha...I know, you'll want to put that one into a travel mug if going in public. But it is incredibly cheap compared to al the other drinks, tastes pretty good, and has good amounts of the important stuff, other than glucuronolactone (but I don't even know if that one is truly important, or more placebo). The thing you have to be ok with is the sweetness of all of these drinks; caffeine in it's chemical form, and b-vitamins, and taurine etc., would taste pretty nasty if they didn't cover it up; I don't like sugar much, but you do adapt (and although the theory is that sugar is bad for adhd, I haven't found that myself, and even if it is, the other stuff far outweighs the sugar effect). Another benefit of the TapOut one is that it is sugar free, and natural-flavored; even has vegetable juice in it, which you'd never know. In terms of the grossest brands, I'd steer clear of Rockstar, Redbull, RedRain, Monster. If you like TART lemonade, then AMP has a good lemonade one (but the diet lemonade has less than half of the beneficial ingredients in it). My god, I sound like an energy drink specialist, this is crazy. How long do they last? Well, I generally avoid adderall (and that Imperial ginseng stuff, b/c it works well) after about 3-4pm if I want to be in bed by midnight; whereas I often have an energy drink first thing in the morning, and if I have a second one, I would take it anytime  up to say 6-7 (but caffeine has very little effect on me in general, and I tend to have a natural bedtime of 11-12 (but am working on that).

Ok, next topic. Depression, low confidence, self-esteem. Check, check, and check for me too. Lately however, that seems to be changing, despite a sad break-up, job-issues, legal battle, financial ruin and the like. Why? I guess it comes back to the pivotal moment thing I wrote about inder the 'other' forum; you might want to check that out, b/c it applies to all of us with the confidence,esteem, depression,optimism issues; adhd or not. You have a great sense of humour, and from the way you write, come across as really sharp/witty; to be frank, as a friend told me, a certain amount of self-deprecation is disarming to others, and many people find it both humorous and endearing (but people like us have to be careful that it doesn't cross into the realm of wallowing in self-pity, which can be easy to do). Oscar Wilde had a good quote reflecting the type of humor that reminds me of "our type"; he said, "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." I think he might have been adhd...

Under-valuing ourselves, and under-estimating our capabilities and fortitude are hallmarks of adhd, but those adhders who are able to short-circuit that end up being the notorious adhders like Richard Branson. You might like this article from Psychology Today:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/entrepreneurs-adhd/200909/7-habits-h...

As for religion/spirituality, the importance of that in terms of success/happiness is as individual, and relevant to successful coping with adhd as liking sushi. Makes absolutely no difference (at least to me). I consider myself somewhat (but not annoyingly) spiritual, but certainly not religious by any stretch. In fact, having grown up going to catholic school had a very damaging effect on my self-esteem, and just instilled unnecessary guilt, fear and shame (which we already have an abundance of with adhd).  For some it's important, even necessary, but I know very successful, content, and well-adjusted adhders from many different faiths, and just as many who couldn't care less about it. Sushi.

Alright, I'm going to sign off with a quote that I just noticed is printed on the side of my can of TapOut (neat coincidence):

"Just take a step towards your belief daily - fearlessly, wholeheartedly, digging and dreaming within yourself, believing that as you push on through sacrifice, you will one day stand alone on top of a hill that you created that now encourages and inspires others to chase their dream. Knowing that through tenacity and patience anything can be achieved.
-If you'll simply believe..."

Neat eh? Almost gives me more reason to drink the stuff! (they should be paying me for the positive promotion..)

Ok, 1:30am, and still have to eat lunch... Good night!

ps- I thought my self-block request would have prevented me from logging on, but I'm glad I got to read your post! Feel free to add me to facebook (any of you guys) It's charles nelson skinner

 

Great quote!

"Oscar Wilde had a good quote reflecting the type of humor that reminds me of "our type"; he said, "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."" I'm not sure if I put all the quotes in, but it's early.

As long as "The Others" don't figure this out, we will be safe for another day :-)

Do you ever sleep, Fuzzy? I thought my 5 - 6 hour average was bad, but I am old and cranky anyway... And on my walk this morning I had to go uphill, all the way, around both blocks. HaHa...

YYZ

Hi Charlie (Fuzzy), You are

Hi Charlie (Fuzzy), You are obviously a bright, witty person with a lot of stuff going on.... School, work, social? I am sorry to hear that you also suffer from low self esteem and depression. They are two very stinky things to have to cope with especially. Can I say though that I am a little worried about you? You seem to be totally self medicating yourself in addition to your meds- and the NO SLEEP thing is a bit of a clue. I dont know if it just feels great and exhilerating to be buzzing along on these stimulants but they do have a negative effect even though you might not see/feel it just now. Please try to scale these drinks back... Jot down how many you've consumed per day on your calendar. Go for keeping it to one energy drink every other day and see how your sleep is affected. Adhd or not, all these stimulants have to be having some kind of (systemic?) effect on your body... So please consider chilling it down a bit!! Meditation is the way to go or exercise, please take care of yourself Fuzz!

hmmm...

It does seem like lots of stimulants, Fuzzy...  Although I know what it's like when something works well at first and then your body burns it up faster and faster.  Even on adderall I struggle to stay awake in the afternoon when my younger daughter naps.  It's the only time i get to myself to 'catch up' and I have a long list of stuff to do.  She'll sleep for an hour to 90 minutes max, and the list always contains about 6 hours worth of chores/calls/job search stuff/etc.

I tried a Monster drink  once- only had 2 sips.  the first one to see what it tasted like and the second sip to confirm that it really was that nasty.

I don't know what the answer is to the self medicating question.  I was wary of starting Adderall because I was afraid i'd get addicted to it.  But I actually like days when I can skip it entirely... very rare days - like if i'm going to be home with the kids on a weekend with nothing stressing to do.  The house gets messy, but i know i can 'catch up' the next day.

those looking for Fuzzy

With great reluctance, I have acted on Fuzzy's request to temporarily block him from posting to this site.  While he may be able to read the site, he will not be able to post, and hopefully he can complete the task before him.  I am looking forward to his asking me to unblock him again.  George

gigs26's picture

Get the meds right!

To echo sullygrl and others, yes, talk to your doctor about your medication! Just because medication isn’t a silver bullet doesn’t mean your current prescription is as good as it gets. Take the time (and keep after your doctor to take the time) to find the best timing, dosage(s), and medication(s) for you. Remember that it’s not at all unusual for long-acting stimulants to last (much) less time than advertised – ask your doctor about a second dose, either of XR or a shorter-acting drug.

I too was putting off taking a long-acting drug for as long as possible in the morning, in hope of getting the effects later in the day, but all that really got me was lost mornings, and still not enough coverage to get through the demands of an ordinary day. I talked to my doctor about it, and once it was clear the med didn’t affect my blood pressure or sleep, I started taking one long-acting dose in the morning, as soon as I wake up (literally – before I get out of bed), a second long-acting dose at noon, and a third long-acting dose at 5 p.m. The second and third doses are smaller than the first, morning dose, and wear off a little more quickly.

I get longer, more consistent coverage, with a gradual fade at the end of the day, instead of the ups and downs of stimulants kicking in and wearing off. I do get the most benefit in the morning and in the 1-2 hours after the second dose – but knowing this, I try to plan my day accordingly, for instance by setting reminders for myself in the morning to keep myself on task in the afternoon. I also plan my exercise and meals and snacks to fit in with the medication schedule – i.e., ADHD is challenging enough, don’t add low blood sugar to the mix. I find high-protein snacks particularly helpful for keeping my brain focused – peanut butter or cheese, both good with crackers or an apple; nuts are good too (and if meds are wearing off quickly because of a fast metabolism, we need to re-fuel anyway).

I’ve never liked coffee, soda, energy drinks or the like, so I don’t have experience with those – but I would be wary of anything with high sugar content, because of the big crash when it wears off; I would think that healthier, evenly spaced snacks will keep your blood sugar and energy at a more consistent level.

gigs26's picture

State of mind

For ellamenno, hippichic3, and other women with ADHD, I recommend Sari Solden’s book, Women with Attention Deficit Disorder. I cried through a lot of it, but am so glad I read it – great compassion, humor, insight, and advice, all in one book. Men may appreciate it as well, of course, but Solden puts particular focus on social/cultural pressures on women, and the common experiences of women with ADHD facing those pressures.

And along the lines of meditation, but better suited for many with ADHD - try guided imagery or mindfulness practice.  Skip the books and look for podcasts and other audio recordings (many of them free!) that will guide you through a quiet, focused period - whether for 5 minutes or 45; some are even designed specifically for people with ADHD, and the focus is generally on awareness of yourself and your surroundings, rather than beliefs or spirituality.  It's nice to have a calming voice in your head making sure you are slowing down for a short while every day.

Sari Solden book

Yes, I bought Sari Solden's book....  4 years ago.... still haven't been able to focus long enough to actually read it. That would be funny if it werent' so frustrating!   I confess I have no idea where it is or whether I lent it to someone or it's in a box somwhere...  *sigh*  I'll see if i can find those podcasts... any links?

cant focus long enough to read book

I think that happens to lots of us. if you can find an electronic version of a book, you can get your computer to read it to you while your doing something else. Disability services put all text books on cds so I can listen to them while driving.

ya

What she said. Focus on strengths. We are not loosers, just polygonal pegs in square holes.

sullygrl's picture

Concentrate on the good you ARE doing first

Very often with ADD/ADHD low self-esteem and feeling like a "failure" leads to anxiety, stress, depression. Everyday tell yourself what you ARE doing. You ARE raising two small children. You ARE keeping house. You ARE managing to cook dinner with small children attached to your leg :)  All of that in and of itself is stressful, so cut yourself some slack.

If the medication isn't working then see about adjusting or switching. Make sure your doctor knows it's wearing off partway through the day and your day doesn't stop like that. Are you working with anyone for help in getting things done beyond getting medication? Making lists of what needs to be done? What needs to be in your purse when you leave the house?

Exercise is a great idea. That low self-esteem and self-hatred is depression. When you constantly feel bad about yourself and guilty for not being worthy and unable to do things right that is depression. So try to be kind to yourself. Remember you are doing the best you can. And with or without ADD/ADHD raising two small children is nothing to sneeze at...

great advice

The "concentrate on what you are doing" is great advice - taking care of two young kids is not only tedious much of the time, but it is exhausting, with what we all consider "very high stakes" (who wants to feel responsible for "ruining" their kid?!)  Plus, it has a very specific monetary value - somewhere between the least expensive daycare you could possibly find and the cost of a full time nanny.  For you to go out and get a job, don't forget that you will be paying someone else AFTER tax dollars to do the work you were previously doing in taking care of your kids.  Do the math before you jump into something else.

Here are some specific ideas for you:

  • Definitely talk with your doc about your meds - if they are wearing off early then you may wish to add an afternoon dose or change to a different med.  At the same time, talk with your doctor about depression
  • Find an organization system that will help you be more efficient with your time.  It generally takes people with ADHD longer to do things because they have to organize their thoughts before tackling a project, and because they are easily distracted, but generally speaking there are "tricks" you can do to be more efficient (ideas about that would make a good thread...hint, hint!)
  • Get enough sleep and exercise.  Exercise releases chemicals that fight depression.  Sleep helps with that, too.  Aim for 8 hours a day - any less than that and your body isn't at its optimal level for getting through your day.
  • Set up a way to make sure you address the top family priorities that includes both you and your husband.  I suggest a system for this in my book (it's an index card system and you meet once a week to agree to priorities together).  You only have so many hours in the day - if you are going to spend 5 on specific projects, why not do those that both you and your husband agree are most important?  (the index card system I refer to is also a good way to remember WHICH of the projects you are currently working on...)

The Math

yes, when you do the math, the 'cost of motherhood' really is astounding.  I would need to be making a considerable amount of money to even break even.  More money than my skill set draws unfortunately, hence my failure to find a job.  I'm trying to cobble together part time stuff and juggle my work schedule with my husband's so we can avoid spending tons of money on babysitters, but it's just not enough.  My husband feels that if I got a 'real' job and only broke even after childcare expenses it would still be worth it because that at least i would be paying into retirement and getting benefits (instead of paying for health insurance through his employer for me).  Also, if I was working full time I would feel like i wasn't draining the family financially.  but I have only managed to get 2 interviews in 7 months of applying to stuff i'm qualified for and much more stuff i'm underqualified for.

I can't wait to get the book - we've decided to read through it together after my husband is done with a looming deadline.  haven't been able to buy it because well, I can't buy ANYTHING and it was not at the library, but after discussing it with my husband (and we have to discuss any purchase over $1) he agreed that we really need this book!

Thanks for the ideas.  And i'd better get to work on the sleep thing right now!