decided to delete my post because i felt stupid and yucky after I posted it. but I'm trying again because I can't make the support group meetings.
I am the spouse w/ADHD. I have known i'm ADD since I first heard of it, but didn't realize it was and actual problem with the brain. I always assumed if i just could suck it up and try harder I could fix it. I thought the drugs were only for hyperactive kids. The more I learn about it the more I realize that EVERYTHING I have ever done, said or thought is a symptom of this disorder. I have no personality. I have no character. I have no life. All I have are symptoms. I have been good at some things but never have the discipline for 'follow through.' There is a lot of fear of failure and even fear of success. I've had many great opportunities, but have shot myself in the foot each time, not seeing what was important and not doing what needed to be done at the moment I had each opportunity. I'm 40 now and have no idea what to do when i 'grow up.'
My husband and i relocated to New York City for his new job. He has a great job, but it doesn't pay great, and no one can live on one salary in this city anyway. we have a 1.5 year old and 4 year old, and i'm sure the older one at least is ADHD too.
Because of my failure to find work, we are losing money (several thousand per month). My husband has been very tolerant of my ADHD, but we recently had a long talk about it and in spite of some improvement with medication he still feels disrespected every time I have a slip up and forget to close a drawer or put something away or leave my phone at home and he can't get hold of me etc. I asked him why he stays with me. He said, "I dunno. Just.... cuz." I feel like he just didn't have the time it would take to divorce me and didn't want the headache of it all, so we're just living as roommates with kids. We don't fight. we don't yell. we hardly talk, because he is tired of me misunderstanding everything he says. (in fact I misunderstand pretty much anything ANYONE says to me). I'm lonely and feeling very unloved and worthless.
I feel like it is all I can do to keep the apartment clean, food prepared and the kids' needs met, but I somehow have to make money. My husband cannot work any harder than he already does and he's burning out. I'm taking Adderall, and it helps but wears off too fast and i'm exhausted at the end of the day when my 4 year old is home from school, my 1.5 year old is hanging on my legs crying as i try to cook and my husband is telling me the things i need to do or that i've done wrong or forgotten. I really need a second dose of something in the evening that won't keep me up all night (although i struggle to get everything done by midnight anyway).
i've been applying for anything and everything because the economy is so bad, but then my husband will say, "Oh no - don't apply for that! you'll hate that!" I went to school to be a performer, but i'm realizing that 1) I can't make enough money at it 2) I actually think I kind of hate doing it. I do teach some (privately and as a sub) but as we all know, teachers are being fired these days, not hired. I had an interview for a great job that i really was hopeful about but i didn't get it and was devastated, as it would have pretty much solved all our financial problems.
My question for everyone is how do you get past the self-hatred? How do you figure out how to go forward? do you just grab onto something, ANYTHING and try to make it work? I plan to start running this week. I used to run a lot and at the very least i remember it helped with depression. I'll try fish oil, too.