I so very glad that I came across this blog. It speaks much to what I have endured for what in 2 weeks will be 12 years of a dysfunctional marriage. Married to “The Nice Guy.”
My husband hads all the symptoms, in the beginning we just called it blabber mouth, forgetful, little to no intimacy and daydreaming. Until over the course of our marriage as I grew, he stayed behind…increasingly more forgetful, reclusive and out of touch. This past June (wow, a year soon) I was at my wits end. A few years back I had an affair years prior to escape, send a wake up call… one that he never heard. I could not put my family through that mess again. With two children I begged him to seek help… and he did. But, I had to be 2 steps out the door, when he broke down and sought help. One session put a nail on what I couldn’t identify in 11 years. About a month later the husband started taking Statera and weeks after his world… OUR world started to turn around. The diagnosis was a ray of light and the medication was a miracle. I was the happiest I had ever been in our marriage. I could see a bright future for our two kids. But, having already put 2 steps out; I was too afraid to step back into the dysfunction. I found myself monitoring his medication, afraid he wouldn’t take it. Afraid he wouldn’t read the books, engage in counseling. It was like I was living with a recovering drug addict, waiting … wondering WHAT IT he relapsed. I enabled his behaviors, I victimized myself by doing so. The wounds over eleven years had worn on my emotional and physical health. My daughter who is 10 began picking up the slack of trying to control and understand Daddy. Our 5 year old ADHD son began the negative self talk. If my kids were sounding like me… coaching Daddy, they were acting like Daddy. I yearned deeply for every facet of what I believed a marriage would be, should be, could be… I just couldn’t wait for my husband to be that man and father. Anxiety, depression…read, counseling… been there done that; but not my husband.
While on his medication my children and I moved out 7 months ago. It was an amicable separation, we were beautiful friends. I loved him deeply in those initial months and I regained my own health and sense of security. He and I were friends, he went back to school, picked up a new job and we communicated regularly and respectfully. We agreed that he would “focus” on himself and I would seek my own needs. I thought he understood… he said he did. ANOTHER ADD attribute.. the “shake he head and agree” syndrome, when they don’t really understand or comprehend what is going on.
THEN I told him I wanted to date someone else, his medication ran out (no health insurance) and all hell broke lose.
3 months later, he is cured of his ADD, he has filed for divorce, wants full custody, sole use of our marital home and is a devout Christian. Now I am 5k down in legal fees, our business is nearly ruined, I am fighting for custody and my husband won’t communicate with me at all. He is now classically the worse side of ADD and he is hurting us all, under the pretense of “being in control.” I have no family resources to talk ration into him. Because he to them is still a “nice guy, good Christian and father… and just being like he always has been.” He has sold me out as being “Godless and immoral.” What was our home is a mess, our joint finances are a mess and the kids are a mess. Everyday I am putting out legal fires and allegations. Just like before, I was the one who held it all together… now I am not there, it is all burning down.
There is no logic or ration to anything that he does. He has COMPLETELY shut down. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE! What I want is my husband to focus on himself, get himself together, take the medication and look at our relationship from a distance…another perspective. If it worked out…it would, I just could not take the risk that it would be the SAME SAME for another 11 years. I had migraines, high blood pressure and became depressed. I was lonely, tired and constantly feeling defeated. TRYING, CRYING and pleading with my husband to do his share, get some help and comfort me… SOMETIMES.
We have a court order for our kids, but he violates it. I see clearly what he does…he forgets, pushes aside and sticks his head in the sand and WE ALL suffer the consequences. I don’t want to present him legally as a bad Father, but the reality of it. . . he is. He is more of a buddy to them.
I wish desperately on late night like this, I had some emotion to fall back on. All I fall back on is how much time we have spent together and all the warning signs from the day I met him. I didn’t know. Now, look where I am. I feel like a fool. I’ve grown, become educated and matured and he is still where I found him. This will be his 2nd divorce and still “doing cartwheels in his head.” But never taking the steps in reality to move forward.
I “get it” in regards to not controlling him; clearly I can’t. I know in my heart, I was best advocate and ally, now he is a babbling radical, squanders our money to pay a lawyer to tell him protect him…while he destroys himself and our family.
Even now 700 miles apart, he still is dragging my heart and life down. I don't regret leaving. He drug me down day after day when I was there. How do I get him to stop! I’ve tried mediation…he walked out. I’ve tried his family…they believe he is a “great guy, done wrong.” We’ve gone to court…we mediated for foolishness, that a normal couple could have talked out. I’ve tried giving him books, facts and mapping out the consequences. Still he INSISTS “I am not listening to you lisa!” Meanwhile, he can’t hear everything is crumbling around him and us all, daily. All I need him to do is THINK RATIONALLY! LONG TERM AND REMAIN FOCUSED! ALL I NEED FOR HIM TO DO IS NOT HAVE ADD! REALLY!
I love my husband dearly, but not as a wife should. I enjoyed him as my friend and I miss that dearly. I miss the fun parent that he was. But, nothing more. I want a life a functional and balanced life...with or without him.
How can I get him to stop, without tearing him or me down completely. I am now in the process of filing an emergency petition to get full and primary custody of our children; because of his MULTIPLE voiloations of the order. I didn’t want to go this far, I never would have… he just doesn’t understand he is leaving me with no choice and himself fully exposed for me to do so. I can not help him hurt me or the children! I am so bitter, so depleated and so hurt. So, very hurt and I know it is not his fault, and it isn't those who protect his lies...they don't understand... my life is on a blog! My husband, my marriage and my children are no different than the hundreds of posts on this blog... all here OUT in the open.
What can I do?
its' all up 2 me.