This seems unsolvable, but probably isn't. I've been married for about 15 years. We have a 12 year old son. He and I were diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago. Just before this diagnosis, my wife was in therapy (and we had some marriage therapy) to deal with emotional and physical abuse from my wifes childhood. Things got better for a few months.
It's been a constant struggle with our boy, who is extremely emotional and strong willed. My wife and I have similar qualities, or used to. She has an exceptionally strong personality, and once her mind is made up, does not back down for anything. In 20 years, I have never seen her waver on this. The boy and I take Adderall. His is a pretty low XR dose, mine is a high fast acting dose several times per day.
Lately, things have come to a head. I'm to the point where I don't even want to share my feelings or opinions about anything. They'll either be ignored, or shot down. Without fail, if I respond to a "What do you think?" or if I offer my opinion about something important, the next thing out of her mouth is "But..." or "No..." If I'm parenting in a way she thinks isn't right, or is a bad example, she'll take over, and I'm effectively one of the Children. She agrees that she does this, but defends her actions because I'm teaching our son bad habits, which he then recycles at us.
I'm to the point that I just want her to tell me what she wants so I can do it. I don't want to suggest that I have ideas, or try to exert any authority because I'll be wrong. She is in a few "Wives with ADD Husbands" support groups and makes good sense when she tells me that I don't see what the ADD is doing to me, or to our family. She believes that she made enormous progress with her personal mud-puddles when her counselor, but that I'm still stuck and need to seek help.
We do not communicate. We don't fight much either, we just ignore. When we do fight, we never make up. We are no longer intimate (as of several years ago), and I (prefer to) sleep on the couch as of very recently. She says she loves me, but I have absolutely no idea what that means.
We have strong religious beliefs that tie us together, as does our son. But, as she put it: "I've always loved you, despite what the ADD does to you...but it's getting hard."
We do have a therapist that we use occasionally to help the boy with behavior goals he's working on. He's the doctor that diagnosed us, and in my opinion, is quite perceptive and good at what he does. I suppose that I should go to him alone, and start to work through my ADD problems... I just don't know if 1) they exist in any form that can be dealt with, 2) they are all that is wrong with our marriage and 3) I could ever convince her (or myself) that I actually do want to be a husband/parent figure in our marriage.
I should probably feel more, but to be honest...I'm just so tired. No responses needed really...just venting. I'll read other posts...I'm sure I'll get some good information there.