You all helped me leave

I just wanted to thank all of you who have posted about your life and your struggles on this forum. Your stories have helped me to make the decision to divorce my husband.

I accidentally left my marriage 4 months ago and I have been going back and forth about whether I should return to it. How does one "accidentally" leave their marriage? I went to visit my parents for a few days and for the first time in a year (since moving in with my husband) I felt joy. I felt taken care of. I felt like part of a team with the common goal of living well. When it was time to go back home to my husband, I couldn't do it. I stayed in my parents house and did not return to my husband. 

I met my husband 10 years ago and was immediately infatuated. The first 5 years of our relationship was long distance, as I was in medical school in a different state. Being long distance, it was easy to overlook the issues that his ADHD (diagnosed as a child, but never medicated) caused in our relationship. When I moved back to his state after school for my medical training (residency), I was so busy working 80 hour weeks and he was living with his parents. Between my busy hours and help from his parents to manage his life, it was again easy for me to overlook the issues with our relationship. I finished my training 1.5 years ago and at the same time, we got married and bought a house. That is when the issues became to prominent to ignore. Without his parents helping to take care of the house and our pup, I was forced to do everything or tolerate the mess. Couple this with his new video game addiction (30-60 hours a week playing video games) and its easy to see why I was miserable.


I was willing to stick it out because my wedding vows meant something to me. 6 months in to our marriage, however three things that he said/did made me re-examine my commitment to this relationship.

1) He had previously been nervous about having children because we both have busy careers, but 6 months in to out marriage he told me that he no longer wanted children because "life is to stressful." He knew going in to this marriage that I desperately wanted children and he had agreed to have them. When I told him that this was a deal breaker, he became very angry and felt deeply insulted that I would choose future children over him. A few days later, after cooling off, he "took it back" and agreed to have children again. I told him that it was one thing for me to be negatively affected by this marriage because I chose to marry him, but it would be unfair of me to drag children in to it knowing that he may hate them or resent their existence. He responded "I would never let my children know that I hated them." How can I have children with someone who believes that they could potentially hate them?

2) I begged for us to start marriage counseling together and he refused. When I asked him why he refused, his answer was "because I do not want to go."

3) I knew, when I married him, that I would be responsible for most of the household chores. I was ok with this because, as a physician, I knew that I would have enough money to outsource a lot of the household tasks. Shortly after moving in to our new home together, however, he refused to allow me to hire help. I asked if he would then step up and help me care for our home and he said no. When I asked him why we could not hire help, he said "because I do not want us to hire anyone." Essentially, he wanted me to either do the work myself (in addition to my full time job) or put up with the mess.


Reading through all of your stories, about your families and how ADHD has impacted your lives, I realize that this will only get worse once we have children. I cannot have children and a happy family with this man. In the past he has been fired from a job because he sabotaged a coworkers project and to this day, he will not take responsibility for what he did. He shifts the blame on to his boss and the stress his boss put him under. I want to believe that he will stay employed, as he has promised to do, but looking at your stories, I see a familiar pattern in my husband and I fear that he will one day loose his job again and refuse to get another. If I continue this marriage, and have children, I think that the chances are high that we will be miserable and eventually divorce. As I make much more than he does, my salary would be destroyed by alimony and child support. I worked so incredibly hard to become a physician and make this salary. I have sacrificed so much. The thought of my earnings being taken like that is heartbreaking.


So here I am. 33 years old, without children, and only married for 1.5 years and I am committing to going through with a divorce. The thought of dating again terrifies me (so much about dating has changed in the decade that i've been in this relationship) and I know that I may not find someone in time to have the family, and children, I always dreamed of. I am open to using a donor and creating a family on my own if I fail to find a partner in these next few years (at best, i only have ~ 6 years of reliable fertility left).  I love my husband dearly, and I understand that his ADHD causes a lot of the issues, but his unwillingness to change and do better will destroy my future. After reading all of your stories, and hearing your struggles, I cannot drag my future children and grandchildren in to this mess. That would be selfish of me. Sometimes, love isn't enough.