Forum topic: You gotta roll with the punches or get knocked out

Wed Nov 18th, 2009 - 1:30pm by julesy80

Forum: 
Progress You are Making and Hope

What I am finding to be unfailingly true in my relationship with my ADHD husband is that you have GOT to learn to be adaptable--if nothing else.  I have had a hard time coming to terms with that and I have spent the better part of my marriage so far being uptight and worrying and freaking out about every little thing that didn't go the way I planned.  I have been a constant nervous wreck until recently.  Now I am learning to relax and take things as they come, and with a grain of salt when I can.  I try to have a sense of humor when my husband does or says something crazy instead of blowing up and I try to be understanding and put myself in his shoes (as much as possible) when he has a hard time with "normal" things.  Is it hard?  You bet!  But I have to learn to live day by day and I have found that to be the best way to survive for me.  That conclusion has come after plenty of troubles (his job losses, lies, impulsive spending & a dash of infidelity), tons of tears and heartache and lots of praying.  I had to ask myself if I really wanted to stay with my husband (I thought about leaving plenty of times).  Then it hit me.  I can't control what my husband does, but I can control how I react to things and I know for a fact if things continued the way they were going (on my end), it wouldn't have lasted.  I kind of feel like my theme song right now is that country song "She changed her mind when she couldn't change me".   My husband still has a problem so far with keeping jobs and so many other things, even with medication, but I still feel so much more free after deciding to change my way of thinking.  I don't know if I'll ever have this all figured out or even if my marriage will last forever, but it's lasting today.

Comments

Submitted by speechie on Fri Nov 20th, 2009 - 1:08pm

Julesy80, 

I applaude you for your positive thinking.  You're right about not being able to change him, but good for you for changing your reactions.  My husband is ADHD and has a hard time holding jobs too.  He has a great sense and I need to learn to laugh more and lighten up instead of constantly worrying.  It's easier said than done.  I have also prayed a lot about our relationship.  I often feel overwhelmed and that's when the worry sets in.  Praying helps and I am trying to live by a saying my mom told me, "Do your best and let God do the rest."  Thanks for your uplifting note.  Stay positive and keep laughing.

Submitted by Clarity on Sat Nov 21st, 2009 - 1:52am

I had help with something similar when a counselor told me I should be sure to respond and not react. A deep breath and little attitude adjustment... It sure seemed to help with communication, though it does take a constant mental effort! :)

Submitted by julesy80 on Sun Nov 22nd, 2009 - 11:02am

It is definitely easier said than done, Clarity.  Some days are harder than others and it can be an uphill battle at times.  But I also have to remind myself that although my problems may be magnified being married to an ADHD man, really any marriage can have struggles.  Some complaints I have about my husband, some of my friends who aren't married to ADHDers can relate to as well.  I know his problem keeping jobs relates to ADHD though and that is probably where the majority of our fights stem from.  But I do try to take things in stride as much as possible and try to think of it on a day by day basis.  If I try to look ahead too much, I get frustrated and worry about if he will ever be able to hold a job.  So I just have to survive day to day and try to keep a good sense of humor.  I also try to let go and let God take care of things when I can.  It is hard for me to let go like that, but I think that God can do a lot better things than I can.  Take Care!