Submitted by JAGPowderhound on 11/01/2010.
I finally asked my wife (non ADD) to read the book. But, not the whole book (too much to ask), just the first 30 pages and to tell me what she thinks. For me, it's been truly eerie to read this book b/c every single paragraph is a "whoa" moment b/c it really feels as if someone has been living in my house with my wife and I and taken notes and put them all to paper. Well, she made it through the first 17 pages and took this from the book: 1. "You WON'T take any medicine to help the ADD. . .it even says so in the book!" Me: "Really, where did it say that b/c I somehow missed that section." 2. "You KNEW you had ADD before we got married and didn't tell me! You've been told to take medicine before and didn't and you won't do ANYTHING to help it!" Me: "You're right. In the past I have taken medicine and it had a HORRIBLE effect on me and scared me. Part of my not wanting medicine was b/c I wanted to feel like could control myself. I also never met or spoke to or read anything that could really understand what it's like to be me - someone with ADD. After reading just PART of this book, I feel like I found someone/thing I can trust. I want to try again." 3. "Why should I read anymore? You'll never change!" This followed closely with the rest of our conversation circling around how me and the ADD are the reason for all of our problems; thus, she has NOTHING to do to help/fix us. It's all up to me b/c I'M the one with the problem. Anyone have any advice to help?
Just exactly the same advice
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Just exactly the same advice I give someone who is the non-ADD spouse...work on YOU. Although I can 100% relate to her resistance to believe that anything will ever change...and her mistrust in your intentions to really make tangible changes...I hate to see her have such a harsh reaction. You really do, for the sake of the relationship, have to just sometimes throw yourself into it 100% and make yourself vulnerable in a way that you are completely uncomfortable with. I am the non-ADD spouse..I hit rock bottom and started coming up fighting before my husband did...and boy did he latch onto every.single.molecule.of.a.slip-up I would make swearing "I Knew you would never change" (let go of my anger, resentment, frustration, and controlling ways)..but I didn't get discouraged nor did it stop me from reaching out to him until HE finally let go and threw himself into the marriage 100% again as well.
Chances are she wants nothing more in this world than to feel for you what she did years ago..when she fell in love with you. I'm pretty sure you want to feel the same. Damage has been done. It does NOT get fixed over night...or after reading 30 pages of a book. The book gives you the insight, tools, knowledge, and information you need to start making the changes necessary..but it will take time for her to 'trust' your motives and trust your changes. Be patient.
My husband had a horrible time with medications years ago (before really even being officially diagnosed..wasn't until 3-4 months ago) but is doing a little better this go around. It has only been a little over a week. The first few days were horrible for him, but he stuck with them and is feeling better. Maybe you could try something different?
Best of luck!! I commend you for trying...and I commend you for being honest with her.
Submitted by JAGPowderhound on
Thanks for your advice, and I think I agree with the kitchen sink method. Sorry I haven't responded earlier, but for some reason your reply didn't get sent to my email to tell me there was a response.