To YYZ

I´ve been hanging here for a while, in order to better understand my ex BF (with adhd) and what happened in our relation. Still learning A LOT  from all you posters, and Melissa, very grateful.
But my main impression is what a fantastic person you seem to be YYZ, I guess half of the women on this forum are in love with you, and I am no exception ;-) You are such an example for any man or woman, adhd or not. Funny, considerate, humble, intelligent, loving (your wife) and mature. I have learned so much about ADD from your posts.

My point is, if you somehow could persuade your wife to read your posts here, she ought to see what an amazing husband she has and is risking to lose, if she can´t let go of her anger (don´t misunderstand me, I realize she has been through a lot of suffering).

Hope this post doesn´t offend anyone, I just had to express my admiration for you, YYZ! 

(As a Swedish citizen I am not very good in the English language, my apologize.)

 

 

I want to scream!!!!!!!!!

Having an ADD husband who has a way with words, who is a self-abasing goofball of a lovable guy (unless you need him to show up and be responsible for something like a family - because then he is a ruthless debater and manipulator).  I just want to scream at you right now for YYZ's wife's sake.  It is easy to say atta boy's to the ADDers when it is not you who are footing the bill  and reheating the dinner wondering where their lovable husbands are AGAIN and for their lovable generous ways with everyone else except you.  

Understand that if you were to both leave your spouses and hook up with each other, he would be on the computer talking about his sex urges on a site like this and YOU would be the one rolling your eyes going sheeeeesh! and then you could read one of the women's responses that says we are all falling in love with you.  

Sorry to take the wind out of your sails YYZ but I could not remain mute. I really appreciate your contributions but I think you know where I am coming from. You could be my husband and I DON"T love the way my husband makes me feel. If this is really a forum to help marriages, we should be helping YYZ with his relationship with his wife.  Remember her?  Or have we forgot already?

Wind in my Sails

I'm not sure how much wind has been in my sails over the last three years. I have followed the treatment that my doctor has prescribed. I have gone to therapy, at my wife's request we had a few couple's therapy sessions with her therapist of about ten years. We set a couple of goals during these sessions and I completed the goals well in advance of the dates. I am currently reading my fourth book about ADD and it's effects. I am coaching my daughters through ADD situations when I see behaviors that I recognize. I have been reading and posting on this website for about two years. I try to help people who are new, support the ones that have been here for a while and I try to respond to some of the tougher threads here to hopefully shed some light on my perspective of ADD behaviors. I am not here looking for a love connection taking advantage of people desperate to find answers to their troubled marriages. I have learned so much from people on this website and want to attempt to return the favor.

I have not forgotten my wife, I am here because of my wife. Like many people here, I've been frustrated at times with some of her actions/reactions affecting our lives. I don't think I've been disrespectful to my wife, but I know I have vented frustrations. I have been working on my communication skills, trying to undo bad coping mechanisms, be more attentive and I'm not oblivious to things like I used to be. I don't ask for pats on the back for any changes I try to make in my behaviors. I want my ADD traits to be a shadow of it's former self. I want my marriage to work.

My situation has never involved not footing the bill or being responsible for my family. I call if I'm going to be late and I've taken care of everything when my wife works late and works all weekend. I did 1am baby duty, changed half the diapers, taken the kids to doctors appointments, sit down and make sure the homework gets done. I've been a soccer coach, gone on field trips with my daughters class, volunteered to be a chaperone on band trips. I am one of the neatest people in the house, which I do my share of cleaning and cooking. My ADD has made me exhausted, forgetful, oblivious and neglectful at times, but I am working on all these things now that I know what I'm dealing with. I have a brain chemistry disorder that sucks. My treatment is helping and my wife and family are the reason why I am working hard to make things better.

I have less wind in my sails, I guess, because I did not know my posts were being taken as anything other than a guy trying to make things better at home, for my wife.  

Well said.  Thanks for

Well said.  Thanks for posting and being clear for us and for yourself.  You are not my husband and I was wrong to include your name in my post.  I came to the site this morning to edit my post but it is too late. I will try not to put my husband's OTHER tendencies in the mix of ADD. DH didn't come home until late last night while I had dinner on the table and he had not called and he had promised he would not do that any more. When that happens and he won't talk to me, I assume the worst.  He is either dead or with other women. I say this because I would NEVER just not appear when someone was expecting me without at least calling. I was triggered because the women probably love my husband and he puts effort into having people love him in the moment.  I am in the position of accepting who he is and in doing that I get to grieve a marriage and expectation that I must let go of. One of the steps of grieving is loss of trust (even when someone dies there is a loss of trust).  My mom died in November and when I told him I was having a surprisingly hard time of it, he said "Happiness is an inside job," and is more distant now than ever just when I need a husband most. He has also lost weight. While I used to be skinny and now I am medium for my age. He struts around weirdly like a peacock and looks around to see if someone sees him like an affected teenager and pushes his sleeves up on his arms and is all jokes. He doesn't pay his bills there are stack of long overdue bills on his desk and I worry that I will be in a dire financial situation soon even though i have worked hard and been financially responsible. He owes $2000 to the telephone company and they turned off his business line and still has his original loan for his business of 20 years ago he has not paid on. His business finances are "suspect" to me. I am nervous. He uses cash for everything in his business and personal - even gas.  I thought by now he would have stopped his flirtatious ways.  It is not a pretty sight to see a 60+year old man flirting with young girls...ick.  I am sorry to have tied you into my story.  You seem to be working hard at this. Again, You are not my husband.  I read your posts. 

I understand and there are no hard feelings...

It was late when I read the post, my meds long gone and the post caught be by surprise. It actually helped writing all of my thoughts on what you said. I was mortified that I was perceived as a guy trolling to take advantage of vulnerable women. Frankly, I worry about sounding like I have things all figured out. I understand a lot of what goes on with an ADD brain and how it affects the ones I care about the most, but I am far from having this all figured out. It sounds like you have been through a lot and your husband does not seem to get it yet. I am very close to my step-mom and right after my diagnosis I knew my dad was as ADD as me. She had been telling me her frustrations and I had information that actually made sense to her about my dad's personality.

I hope you get things sorted out for yourself and find a happier place soon. I really appreciate your post and wish I could have responded sooner. I have no hard feelings at all...

Take care

I hope that these forums will

I hope that these forums will continue to be places where everyone who is affected by ADHD can come to learn and to teach and to vent.  I think that everyone here has a lot to learn from each other.

I am sorry if I offended you

I am sorry if I offended you jennalemon, I really didn’t mean to belittle the effects of adhd in marriage, and I know my short experience with this man is nothing compared to being in a long term relationship. Still, two of my friends and a close relative are diagnosed with adhd, so I have some other knowledge of its effects.

I am even more sorry that YYZ became the target for your frustration with your marriage, that was the last thing I wanted. I look upon his posts as sincere and true, not that he is a “smooth talker” who tries to give an impression of someone he is not. He is at least obviously much more self aware of the effects of his condition than my ex BF, and the other (male) friends of mine that are diagnosed with adhd.

Of course I realize that YYZ:s wife would give a different picture of their marriage – which by the way would be interesting to take part of. But, again, from his posts he seems like a man who wants to improve and feels love and respect for his wife.

And living in a sexless marriage would not be an option for me, if not for medical reasons. As I have posted somewhere else on this forum, a divorce and being single isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes it’s the beginning.

Wishing you both all the best.

Thank you...

I appreciate the kind words. I've told my wife about this website and that I post here. I don't know if she has ever been here or not. Unfortunately, she does not really believe much in ADD. I guess as long as I minimize my ADD symptoms, correct old coping mechanisms and communicate better this should improve things.