Zapp replied to another thread, and it really got me thinking. Its easy to focus on the damage being done to me, to feel the hurt and neglect from his anger transference, from his near constant rejection etc. I know what all of that stems from so I have stood my ground with him, never giving up. And now - for the "who knows how many times" time - he has stated again that he doesnt want to be married. Of course, I am not surprised - a World of Warcraft movie came out, new expansion to the game and all. Perfect escape for someone who is afraid to face who they really are, and what their past really is.
But this time - I am done with the games, the ride, the constant control and expectations of myself from someone who doesnt even SEE ME. And thats really the most tragic part of this. My H was lucky he married someone like me. Someone who sees past the flaws, the problems and the issues to who he really is. (which is uncomfortable to him since HE doesnt love himself). He is lucky that he married someone who loved him enough to give him all those chances when he broke his word, when he "tested" me with porn, when he had inappropriate attentions on other women. Because i CHOSE to see him for who he is. I chose to take a chance on him, lift him up, not tear him down. Even though the work of that lifting was hard, I was there every step of the way. I educated myself about the challenges he faced, and adjusted my perception and expectations accordingly.
And when the CSA came out - I didnt flinch when he told me his deepest secrets and deepest shames. I didnt run away in "disgust" like SO MANY other wives have - believe me, I know - I am in a support forum like this for male survivors of CSA. I have read countless posts from men wishing their wives reacted like me. I get private messages from men on that forum thanking me and calling me an angel - telling me that even though they were abandoned by their wife, it gave them hope that they could find someone like me since *I* existed. When I read those stories and those messages, it breaks me up so much. Because my H - he doesnt see any of it. In fact, in almost stereo typical fashion - he has transferred the anger from what happened to him to me and our marriage and has become oppositional and files me under "enemy".
I dont even think he is totally aware of how much he does it because he is so disconnected to his own emotions and so out of control that he just reacts - with out even thinking WHY. And instead of turning my back on him, I tell him I love him, that we need to talk and communicate so we can work through this. I work even harder to show him that he is loved and supported and will be able to recover when he is ready to take the steps. And still... he doesnt see me. He thinks that I have him pinned down and controlled - when literally - I have NOTHING to do with it.
The only things I will not tolerate are 1. cheating, 2. porn, 3. lying. We have total transparency because - I didnt run away when those things (other than cheating) became a problem. Most other women would - and all other women have in his life. No. I stayed. I looked at who he really was deep inside - and I know THAT guy... that guy under the mask is a baddass, he is an amazing man with a loving heart, a good person to the core. The mask - not so much. But that is who is in control. And that is who I have dealt with for most of our marriage.
And STILL... I stuck it out, because beating down that mask was going to be a long, hard battle - one that my H said he was ready to commence. So I did my part, I got the environment in shape, I armed myself with knowledge and gave him the same weapons. He was supposed to be educating himself. Gearing himself up to finally be truly free and in REAL control (not being dictated by his every whim like how a child views control). But he lied. He didnt do any of those things. The mask took over and said "do that later - thats hard, have fun right now, be lazy right now, play on your phone right now" etc... and later never came. He had every weapon he needed - but never bothered to pick any of them up.
So - he is very lucky. He is lucky he married someone who was willing to invest not just her heart and emotions, but her intellect and finances into him. Provide him with the ability to reach all his dreams... and he threw it all away because he is too lazy to step up. Because he is too fearful to even LOOK at the weapons that will save his life. Because escape into a fantasy world is so much more appealing because its NOT REAL... and reality for him is a very scary place. He is leaving, and I will be OK. I am aware of what I am loosing when this marriage dies and will be able to appropriately mourn and grieve.
The tragedy of this is that he doesnt have any idea, and it is going to compound all his issues with a layer of sadness that he cant place. And everyone else he brings into his life will suffer for it and be blamed, and the cycle will continue until he finally picks up the weapons and beats down the mask. He was lucky to have married me - who gave him everything - instead of someone who would have taken what little he had away from him.