Hi all,
I have ADHD and am in a very dysfunctional marriage. There's the stereotype of a lazy, absent, distracted, incompetent, ADHD spouse, but I try so hard as a parent at least. As a spouse I am spent.
I only ever really spend my time on family or work. I wake up with our early riser at 5-6am every morning, while my partner sleeps in until whenever they feel like it 8, 9 10am or later at times. This usually happens regardless of who wakes up for the kids. After getting up they have an extended shower, extended blissful breakfast, sit on the toilet for 20 mins. All of this time it feels like being trapped in a dopamine prison.
Then I only got to work or spend time with the kids. I cook most dinners. We have an agreement that whoever does cook dinner does the dishes and cleans up. I bath the kids after dinner and then put our youngest to sleep. Often I'll also put the others to sleep as well. If I am cooking, I do the dishes after the kids are asleep, usually finishing around 10pm. Then I do about half of the settling kids when they wake up. If my partner cooks, they clean up while I bath the youngest so they can finish early.
They have set strict bed times for the kids. If I err from those times, I get scolded and shamed. I'm actually pretty good at keeping the times. Yet my partner gets them to sleep, their bed times objectively slip by at least an hour. In fact my partner often struggles to get the kids to sleep and hands them over to me.
At points it has been worse - I'm pretty much doing everything and I have been hospitalised for mental illness because I'm so burnt out.
Some admittedly extreme examples: once I had woken up with our then only child at 5, took them for a 7 hour walk, got home at 12, my partner was just getting up. I sat on the couch and they asked me pointedly: "when are you going to participate in this family."
Another time I had been installing installation in our underfloor crawlspace. There's between maybe 1-2ft of room under there, its dirty hard, claustrophobic work. I came out and again my partner demanded to know when I would start participating in the family.
Talking to my partner is very difficult. Most conversation veers quickly into criticism, correction, disapproval, escalation. So, I just don't talk. I support them in their hobbies, exercise, socialising etc, but get none of the same in return.
We have seen various counsellors, but they tend to focus on my ADHD as being the problem. I've read the ADHD Effect on Marriage and understand that I am half the problem. My partner handles paperwork, finances, clothes washing etc. because I'm not reliable enough, but surely I'm not the whole problem. Everything seems so futile. I'm pretty much isolated, have no friends and nobody to really talk to. My partner just gives me neutral, or contempt.
Am I a bad person? I have no reference for this. I feel like I'm at least trying, well intellectually I feel like I a, or am I some crazy narcissistic looser?
Comments
Perception
To be honest, as non-ADHD, I often failed to perceive how hard my ADD ex worked. I was so caught up in my frustration about his symptoms. I felt so excruciatingly everything he didn’t do, how he let me down, how he isolated us, that his honest attempts to contribute passed me by unnoticed.
I think this is a perception problem. Both you and your partner seem to struggle hard without rewards. I’ve lived this too. It’s demoralizing. Neither can validate the other or feel it’s fair.
I’m sure my ex feels he did it all in our life together, but I hardly noticed it when he moved out - the workload didn’t change noticeably. Both perspectives are true I suppose. I’m sure you’re not the bad person, but I tend to believe your partner may also feel abandoned and overwhelmed.
The equivalent to the scenario you describe came late in our two decade marriage, and not long after it broke down. We were both spent.
Please take care. You may risk your health living like this, you say you’ve even been hospitalized with burnout? I think in some cases, these marriages are very unhealthy and need to come to a swift end.
The fact you typed this reality, is good....
Chaos is what I hear when reading your post...My now ex wife (just divorced after 17 years) was high level ADD...I would like to point out a few things, hopefully without offending you...(definitely not my intention)...Nothing I'm going to say here exonerates your husband from his role and responsibilities...
One) nothing in the home will ever work correctly (and you two have a load of responsibilities) if the marriage isn't the first priority (each other)...It's never me and him...That is divisive and destructive...It's 100% Us...
Two) the effects of a busy mind must be throttled (disciplined) in a mundane family setting it's your responsibility to not allow dopamine producing activities to cause poor and irresponsible decisions by you... (7 hour walks or any venture that is an unknown to your husband is disrespectful of him)...As long as you two agree on activities and they can fit into the day w/o destroying the schedule, and peace, than no one is put out...We have to consider one another!!! (ADHD or NOT)....
Three) It's obvious your heart is to be there for your children, but, that is not a life, and you two will live miserably....But, it will take ownership and humility by him and you!...With out kind communication and love you want get there! Some of the things you say about your husband say's he is lazy in some aspects of life...But, to people like him, they would say it's normal...No matter, to judge each other or attempt to think for each other is disrespectful and conflictual...
What makes us a narcissist's is self centeredness...It's when everyone and everything is a tool for our enjoyment (dopamine producing toy)...The signs of narcissism is: blame and denial, no ownership of their own behaviors (self blindness)....No concern or care for how their living of life negatively effects others...(especially a spouse)...Always the victim...Only you can deal w/ you, and your own heart...
The reason communication breaks down is because of defiant spirts, and judging each other by our own thinking...Without acceptance of our difference's frustration's an anger easily surfaces and destroy's any ability for calm and caring dialog...You don't have to agree with each other, but, you got to listen to each other....Once you both hear, you got some where to work from...
Four) You husband needs to stop the the direct comments "When are you going to take part in this family"....It's obvious that is blind siding you with all you are already doing...He needs to speak to you by asking questions...(you both should)...When we ask a question, and wait for an answer it allow our spouse to consider it...It's much easier to consider a question about our actions, then reply, without feeling judged (no negative emotion) for our not thought through behavior...ADD minds cannot allow themselves to feel threatened and turn to destructive traits, when their spouse gets frustrated with poor or disrespectful behaviors...And NON ADD spouse can't get disrespectful of their ADD spouse when they do things, they would never consider doing...
We must communicate and own our differences, and never allow them to make us quit on our marital love and responsibilities....No matter our mind types...Acceptance, and respect are paramount...
We each or responsible to be the vessels we vowed to be in each others lives...We hold our spouses mental, emotional and physical peace and satisfaction in our hands...That is way I'm divorced after 17 years of being abandoned and alone w/ her living in the guest room, demanding to be single and go her own way in life...She showed me daily I did not my matter to her....I didn't divorce her because of ADD, but, because she quit on us years ago...
We are what we live out daily without excuse...
Best wishes in your marriage...
c
Idk
But I wonder about the stage you’re at and how you got there, and to what degree this is to do with perception. I’m the non, I just ended my marriage. I felt treated with utter contempt by my husband for many years in part (but only in part) because he didn’t listen to me. I would ask for things to change (ie please don’t leave wet laundry draped all over the dining chairs; please don’t run the dishwasher at night; please don’t drink so heavily) only for him to keep doing whatever it was. Meanwhile he heard my (at first) kind and calm request, because of his RSD (rejection sensitivity disphoria) as brutal, hurtful, cruel criticism. So he would then flare up at me. So he’d be angry, not listening, and rude, and I’d feel attacked for just airing a need. Over time I stopped speaking so gently to him, reminding him of how often I’d asked and how it made me feel to be ignored, which only led to worse flareups from him; then I stopped making requests for change that never happened, stopped talking really at all. Because what’s the point. I just cleared up the mess, tolerated the fire hazard, and the expense and snoring after his drinking.
What I’m saying is, you’ll have to work on communication if things are to improve. Idk if you have RSD but you could be hearing things through that filter, and your partner may also have arrived at the stage where they’re not able to be generous anymore because of the dynamics of your communication over the years. Idk if this is true but you disappearing unplanned for 7 hrs with a small child would scare the bejesus out of me. Were they warm /cool enough? Did you have nappies, bottle (if relevant), snacks and drinks? Did they come back sunburned, overtired and blistered? Did anyone know you would be gone that long? I’m only extrapolating from my own experience here. The one time I left my kids in their dad’s charge on holiday I came back after the day and hugged my son and he whimpered, he was so badly sunburned. Dad had just not bothered with this basic thing. Insulating the crawl space is great but did it leave your partner fielding loads of other stuff unexpectedly, her day torpedoed by you disappearing under the floorboards (or is that the attic? idk I’m English).
Underlying it all, it sounds as though you have arrived at a total absence of generosity towards them, if you are actually timing their time in the loo and resenting it. That will need dismantling- it’s so important that partners are generous to each other - emotionally and practically. I tried to re-establish this years ago with my partner. Needless to say he couldn’t follow through, not emotionally (he still assumed the worst of me) nor practically - I found myself hanging out with a crowd of his friends’ friends on our wedding anniversary, without so much as a card or bunch of flowers. I was doing the generous thing and had bought him a shirt and jumper from his favourite designer. I then had to apply the same generosity to the fact he’d entirely overlooked the possibility of being generous to me.
Ok this is too much about me and the grief I am still processing for the relationship I didn’t have. But my point is - communication and generosity. You both need both and some of it needs to come from you. And when you have that, mutually, there will then be time for yourself, your hobbies, exercise.
It's all the little things
The death of a marriage with an ADHD partner is like death from a million paper cuts. Things like you forgot to feed the dogs and leave water, didn't pick up the rake on the lawn and grandma tripped on it, forgot to buy kids lunch supplies and discovered too late to run out last minute to pick things up, etc, etc, etc are not terrible occasionally but when you don't follow through, someone else has to. Your extreme examples may be the last straw for your spouse who is likely already on the edge from all the little things, which taken individually, aren't too bad but when compounded throughout the day stress builds and builds. Your partner is frustrated because they likely have tried to discuss issues and have been met with stonewalling and blame shifting. Therapists concentrate on the ADHD because it is the elephant in the room. They aren't singling you out. Your partner needs to change also but if YOU can take their advice and work on improving yourself, you will be surprised how much improvement to your relationship there will be if you are more reliable and dependable.
Many questions to ask yourself
Do you put away your electronics (i.e. cellphone)? Is it purposefully done or not?
Do you have "family discussion" time (all members present)? Interactive & being "present" mentally helps.
Is your "spend time with family" just doing chores or talking (contribute negatively or positively to discussion)?
Is your partner suffering from post-partum or depression? (Taking time is considered self-care.)
Is set strict bedtime for school, daycare, or work? Depending on where you're located (westerners), the focus is being on time so the "student/employee being late" is frowned upon.
Is 7h walk your personal choice? (If you regret the choice, maybe to not repeat it. If you don't regret the choice, it's considered self-care.)
Is your partner a perfectionist?
Does your partner's childhood full of criticism?
Is your cultural background the same or different (east versus west)?
Is "not having friends" your personal choice? Is it introverted personality trait? (If yes, will you just go online to "speak" or go outside face-to-face? If no, where do you usually go to make friends as you grew up?)