Its been some time since i have posted but i have been keeping updated within this community. Its lovely to see new usernames and shared experiences woth familiar postings. With that.... i have a bit of an update and not sure if im looking for advice or just need to share to see what others experiences are.
I believe fully that the body keeps the score. In fact ive almost finished the book! Ive found it enlightening. In my personal life i have now numbed myself in reaction to my husband's lifestyle choices and how he chooses to live his life. I realised a couple of years ago and feel like ive resigned myself that id be surprised if he makes it to 50. He turned 49 in April and this past week he was admitted to the hospital. He has since been diagnosed with an acute illness that developed into sepsis. Pretty scary stuff and its brought up some not-great medical memories that he and i share with our son from a really tough time.
My thoughts are this: my husband has to 'rest' every day. And from my recollection, hes never had a single 'good day' or can i remmeber in the last 6 years of when hes been "happy". Hes a miserable person. A yum yucker. Its pretty consistent on the daily that he is upset about something or whatever. The other point is that he doesnt sleep well, eat right, dribk water, move his body or face his demons. His daily darkness just piles on top of each other every day and keeps going.
I believe the body keeps the score and if you dont listen, it makes you listen. Whether you like it or not.
Well that is what happened in my opinion last weekend. My husband, who has only now figured out that he has RSD, was triggered by most likely his brother (but technically its my husbands inability to say NO to anyone or anything), he then picked an awful fight with me over something incredibly stupid (and i refuse to take those verbal snapping laying down anymore) and then we had an awful figjt right in front of our son, pretended to play nice for the rest of the day and event, he went back to bed (as he does every day) and then he fell ill and it took me having to ring the doctor and then yelling at him to get in the car to grt him to the hospital.
And now hes been diagnosed with celutitus that developed sepsis. Hes doing loads better now and things are under control, but no one can tell me different that this isnt his body calling in time.
And i just dont know which way is up. Well...I do and i dont.
I trust myself and my gut implecitly. My life outside of my marriage is awesome. When my husband isnt around i breathe easier. Im glad hes in the hospital bc i cant be his nurse. Our house is disgusting bc none of us clean it regularly (i gotta drop some plates some of the time) and now my husband has realised tjat changes have to happen.
I know in my gut what i have to do - or at least what elephant in the room that needs to be talked about, but seeing as hes still in the hospital, not recovered and with a mirage of health problems....i kinda am hoping he stays put for a while or another week at least for more clarity. And i feel awful and guilty for feeling that. And i also dont feel awful either. Hes a good person and means well, but hes a terrible husband and ive reached my limit.
This really feels like a rock bottom for him or at least a moment of reckoning...but i see patterns and know his behaviour, he probably wont make any substantial changes. And then who knows what will happen. It also feels weird and guilty that i write this so freely, before id be tore up from it all, but now, im takign some massive sighs of relief and trying to take small, bitesize bites out of a massive issue that maybe isnt as big as i thought.
Whats the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
