I cannot say this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru, but its definitely equal to the worst. There's no easy way around it, you just have to go through it and it's very painful. Even if you've done it before, it still never gets easier.
This time however, I'm paying attention and doing things differently than in the past. It doesn't make the pain going away, but it does help tell me where I am in the process. For me, it's a little less scary this way.
Grieving is probably the hardest part ( most painful ) because you feel the loss directly in your body. Your nervous system, I'm now discovering, is the key to everything here!
And it's the key to your attachments, how they work ( or don't ) and directly related to how you feel physically. It's in your body, not in your head ! And when your body doesn't work, neit er do you. It sounds obvious but it's not. Not until you get there and find that nothing works. This can be both scary and panic inducing, when you lose control of your body functions.
Part of the reason for making this post is to share something that ( yes ), has happened before, but I've never been as attuned to my feelings, my body and emotions at the same time. When this happens you feel everything and the pain can be excruciating: in my chest, my lungs, my legs, my stomach ( gut ), my extremities, my cognitive process, memory....everything.
I finally checked in with a doctor who diagnosed me with Dorsal Vegas Collapse or shut down. I've never heard of it before, but I'm telling you...it's not any fun !! But I'm slowly working through it. I threw up a couple times ( for no reason ) which prompted the call.
Here's the interesting part in all of this that I thought would be worth sharing...my new found revelation about this, and how it relates to attachments.
The Vegas nerve is the primitive ( core ) reptilian part of the brain. It has to do with survival so when it gets activated, it can do a number of things to you including the fight / flight nervous system response. When things get bad enough, and those defense ( meant to protect you ) stop working : fight, flight, freeze ( fawn ) ...the next step is to play dead ( like animals do under attack ) and shut down to conserve energy. It's like your body and everything else including your normal brain functions, emotions, feelings.....all go offline.
At that point, your body goes on pause ( sleeper mode ) and shuts down for repair. For me, my feelings went flat or numb. I couldn't feel anything but anger and defensiveness. Then even that went away.
The good news ( I guess? ) is the crying. I normally don't cry and it's difficult to do. I was brought up in that generation so I have little practice with crying. This time, I cry everyday. More than once a day. I have waves and moments of uncontrolled sobbing and despair. It now just comes out and free flows.
I've cried more in the last two weeks, than I have in my entire life. When you get to the point where you see everything, all at once, it's an overwhelming feeling....just too much to handle in such a short period of time. I'm calling this good for me. More crying, is not an indicator that anything is wrong. It's just my body, releasing what's there, from all the times it should have and didn't in the past. At least, that's my interpretation of it based on how it feels.
What I'm noticed this time ( because I'm paying attention ) is where the pain originates from, and what triggers these waves of uncontrolled sobbing and despair?These moments are telling me something. They're telling me to look even when it hurts, instead of numbing the pain artificially with drugs and alcohol. I've done both for a short time, to get past the most excruciating parts but its not a long term solution. Standing in it....and feeling it, will eventually make it go away for the time being. Over and over until it's done.
The one fascinating discovery in all of this, going back to the Vegas nerve collapse is this: After a time, your body can only stand so much punishment ( psychic pain ) in so much prolonged time and intensity, your body just shuts down to conserve energy and mitigate the pain ( go numb ). It's does this to protect you, it an automatic function even though, it's was kind of scary and I felt out of control for a while. But after the physical numbing and nothing thing happened.....I stopped caring. And when you don't care, you don't care. Caring, anxiety, worry and hurt....are all tied together. They all live in your nervous system and without them, you don't have care. When that happens....your body calms down and begins to function again.
Another way to word this in colloquial terms is " no more fucks to give ". And without even one "fuck" left....there's nothing left to worry about...for the time being at least.
This is why, the human body is an amazing thing. It does things to protect us but unfortunately, sometimes that protective function gets stuck in over drive...past the point of diminishing returns.
In my SO's case, that's exactly what's happened and there's no chance of fixing that, until she decides to fix it. I don't believe that's ever going to happen, so that makes my choice a little easier. Given the alternatives which are unacceptable for me.
J
