Having a lot of trouble accepting that my bipolar II/ADHD fiance teeters on no change/worsening.
We've dated for 7 years, engaged in 2022 but called off our 2023 wedding due to worsening of his mental health. We do not live together(his home is a hoarding/messy nightmare). We broke up early this year but rekindled our friendship but I just simply no longer feel secure with him.
My question is.. he is such a wonderful human being and I just cannot understand why he cannot overcome his living situation. I have to wonder if its not a "i can't leave " but more of "i won't leave my home" despite the amount of stress and chaos it must cause to him living in those conditions. Is it some sort of Stockholm syndrome or fear or thinking that "if I leave i actually have to take responsibility in my new life with my wife?"
Im not a psychiatrist but I guess im just deeply saddened because I had actually sat down with myself to "count the cost" of being in a relationship/marriage with this man but obviously he cannot or will not do the same. Should I blame the disorder? I just feel used and worn out and confused and still so angry at all this. I strongly feel he should have never gone on a dating site in the first place if he never really had any intentions of getting HIS life in order before bringing the "chaos" into mine.
Comments
Dead end road
Sad
To him it’s normal
My severe ADD ex is also deeply lovable. Terrible to give up on.
For an ADD mind, a neurotypical partner’s expectations might seem unreasonable and also pointless. I had severe ADD explained to me as a fundamental lack of executive skills. Which means not being able to make things happen. The ADHD person adjusts their ‘normal’ to their capacity. Mess might be an ADHD person’s normal, procrastination, avoidance, elastic logic, elastic conscience too. Neurotypical expectations of a husband might not appear reasonable to your ex fiancé.
I’m guessing he doesn’t overcome his living situation because he lacks the executive skills, perhaps also motivation.
It’s possible for an ADD person to live for decades without addressing problems caused by inability, no matter what their wife needs, and no matter the damage to her health. Even though they love her deeply. Even though the ADD person is intellectually gifted. Love, good intentions and hard effort from the ADHD person doesn’t help, if executive functions aren’t there.
Not even with medication.
It’s upsetting and almost impossible to accept. I’ve lived this, I totally get your frustration. But there it is.
Acceptance
Hi Swedish coast;
Have you accepted that you had to let go and if so, how long did it take? The anger is always there because I cannot accept that I have to let go of my fiance. Im angry that he won't get therapy and even then would that help him? I understand the disorder fully but just cannot accept that I have to make all the sacrifices. Which, in turn, brings on the guilt because aren't we supposed to live in sickness and in health? But then I think about how much his disorder affects my mental health.
Its a double edged sword im afraid that leaves one feeling helpless, guilty and angry!!
Letting go of hope for the relationship
It’s taken many years for me to accept and let go of hope for the relationship. Emotionally, I seem to be getting there about now, a couple of years after divorce.
But it’s actually been one of life’s most important lessons. One cannot change another or compensate for their incapacities. One can only try to be the person one wants to be. One needs relations that enable being relaxed, playful and interested.
ADHD diagnosis and treatment might make a lot of difference for some with ADHD. For us, it created hope, but then didn’t improve the relationship at all.
In fact, hope can be a fickle friend. Someone who can love deeply, is capable, committed and determined to have a happy relationship and family, evidently can remain hopeful no matter how much disappointment their partner brings. Nourishing hope when the partner’s behavior gives little reason to expect improvement or a brighter future, is in my experience a mistake. Apparently it’s also something women often do.
Letting go of that hope has crushed me, in a way, but I’m re-emerging more like I want to be.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your insight and your struggle. I guess one tough thing about trying to move on is giving yourself permission to not feel guilty about. All the best to you as well! Hugs!!
Guilt
I’d say there’s no shame in stepping out of a dysfunctional relationship.
Starting a family, you need a foundation of trust. If your ex fiancé doesn’t earn your trust, marrying him would be irresponsible.
I can’t see any moral fault in leaving. Even if you are emotionally and spiritually connected to a person, they also need to meet your expectations to be right for you. Because it’s your life, not any life. I’d ditch guilt.
All the best!
Embracing hope
Scoobydo, you need to embrace the hope of living the happy life that you deserve. You cannot help or cure either of these serious disorders your fiancé has. Dating him for 7 years has made you lose your perspective of what a healthy relationship looks like. If you marry him, you will become his caretaker, living in a hoarded home with a person who will only get worse with age. I agree with you that he should have never gotten on a dating site with all of his unresolved issues. Please get out now. There are literally millions of mentally healthy men who will love you and become an equal partner who will support your needs. I lived with an adhd man for over 10 years who had paranoid personality disorder as well, and I can tell you from experience that it is a horrible life to give your love to someone like that. Our home was horribly hoarded by him, and he would fly into a rage if I cleaned up anything. I fell on some of his junk, and permanently injured my ankles and back. It’s like being a caretaker for someone who resents your care. It’s a lose-lose situation.