I’m seeking advice from others who’ve experienced similar challenges in their marriage. My husband struggles with job-related depression, and I have inattentive ADHD, hormone imbalance, and a validation complex (as my therapist calls it). I feel like a failure when I don't meet certain expectations, and it's affecting our marriage. We have two young children (5 and 7), and we've been together for 15.5 years.
He’s an only child, and I’m the oldest of four, which has led to some differences in our upbringing. Over the years, he’s had issues with entitlement, which has decreased in some ways but increased in others. I’m in therapy and on medication (Cymbalta, Wellbutrin), and my thyroid results were normal. I’m working on my personal issues and taking responsibility for my shortcomings.
However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do better, he stays in the same job because of the money. I’ve tried helping him find something better, but after 10 years of doing this, I’m frustrated.
I’m content in my own job, but I don’t keep up with housework, and I have no support system. I’m expected to be a happy wife while juggling work, kids, and home life. His job stress is overwhelming, and I can’t bring up any issues without him shutting down. He gets defensive, and I feel like I bury my emotions to avoid disrupting his routine. He’s admitted he wasn’t as involved during the early years of parenting, but whenever I bring up the past, he gets defensive.
He refuses therapy, and I’m realizing that his stress isn’t mine to fix. I can only control my own reactions. We’ve discussed this, but it hasn’t led to any lasting change. His refusal to seek help is impacting our parenting, and I’m afraid I’m falling out of love. He’s too stressed to initiate intimacy, and when I do, he rejects me, saying he’s too tired. I’ve tried medication to help with my own anxiety and it increased my libido, but now I’m struggling with his rejection. I’ve expressed how this makes me feel, but his response is always the same: “I know I’m a failure, but it’s my job.”
Any advice or stories from others in similar situations would be appreciated.
(Divorce is absolute last resort and I’m trying to avoid this- when things are good for us- they are sooo good, and it’s life that I want to keep for all the time.)
Comments
Stress
Sorry, I’m the non partner, perhaps my perspective is not what you want. But I can relate a lot to your husband’s stress, from my former marriage.
1) Not feeling it’s possible to change jobs or take any other (financial or other) risks because the family largely depends on me
2) Freaking out on chaos in the home when coming home from an excruciating work shift and my partner has been home for hours
3) Being so anxious and stressed by the combined work and home situation any intimacy is impossible, as is any relaxation
But of course I was also the woman in the relationship, navigating most of the family’s social life, initiating all meals, recreation…
I don’t know your family of course, but I imagine your husband might be like I was. I too thought it was work that killed me. Turns out, once I live alone, this same work is instead stimulating and enjoyable.
I think it’s important to ask if non-ADHD partner stress is because of the marriage.
My partner complained I couldn’t relax and enjoy intimacy with him. Nobody can when they’re flooded with cortisol and adrenaline at all times. They are never relaxed, because their partner doesn’t function like they do.
There’s no blame intended, I’m just sad these things are so hard on everyone.
Having Been in a Number of Situations
like yours, there's a lot I can say to possibly add some insight having ADHD, but also from a male point of view. First, I want to point out a few things I see starting with: " I know I'm a failure, but it's my job."
You said he hates it which is the contributing factor to his depression? You also mentioned:
" However, my husband’s depression has led him to sacrifice his own joy, and he’s stuck in a job he hates. He’s been in a six-figure role (barely) for years, and although he can do better, he stays in the same job because of the money. I’ve tried helping him find something better, but after 10 years of doing this, I’m frustrated."
I know having depression makes you lose interest in things you use to love to do and experiencing joy. I wouldn't call that "Sacrifice", I'd call that a symptom. It's not really a choice when you have depression right? In context, your comment about barely making 6 figures sound like, "better" in this case, means more money, as in "he can do better", if I understand that correctly? My thoughts go more towards finding a job he doesn't hate even if it's for less money and maybe less stress? Killing yourself for money is not making a living, it's making a dying as they say? Maybe if he found a more rewarding job, he'd be less stressed and he also be less depressed, but it sounds like, as I hear you, more money is the criteria you're using as far as "helping him?" if I understand that right?
All I know about depression is, it can make you lose interest in a lot of things and you're definitely not at your best. It's not something you can snap you're fingers and make go away and if he sense you moving away from him ( falling out of love ) then that only adds more fuel to the fire. It definitely doesn't make things better.
My best advise is to work on yourself and your validation complex. If you're projecting that externally, maybe that's why he's feeling like a failure? For him, if he hates his job that much to cause him to be so depressed I'd definitely work on the depression part...and getting help from a doctor or professional would definitely be a good idea. Just keep in mind, depression is not a choice, I would never choose to go through depression so consider that when you talk to him. From the ADHD side of things I'm saying since I'm sure, you can relate with what that feels like ?